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-   -   Opening a Monogomous Relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23596)

Kateri74 05-10-2012 11:52 AM

Opening a Monogomous Relationship

I have been in a monogomous relationship for nearly 8 years now and my bisexual boyfriend told me 2 weeks ago that 70% of the time our sex life is great, 20% of the time it is good but the other 10% he is not satisfied because I can't offer him what a male can. He wants to introduce another male into the mix which is upsetting, confusing and a little exciting at the same time as I have only ever been in mono relationships and don't really know what to expect from the type of relationship that my partner is after.

My emotions are all over the place at the moment, ranging from jealousy because I don't like to share and then excitement thinking about being there and watching and eventually possibly joining in. So this has been a learning curve for me as well with all the new feelings and thoughts going through my head.

We have spoken at length about what each of us wants and he has told me at this point in time he wants to be with me becuase he loves me and this is the happiest he has ever been in a relationship, but he can't predict what the future holds and because of this negative thoughts pop into my head like he will fall head over heals in love with this guy and won't want to be with me anymore. This is just an insecurity that I need to learn to deal with and if it did happen then I feel I need to walk away.

Unfortunately I am a very jealous person, but I want my partner to be happy and if that means trying new things then I am willing to give it a try. Sometimes I am scared of my own emotions, I don't want to get his hopes up that I will be able to deal with this. I know the first time will be the real test for me.

Thanks for listening

DarayTala 05-10-2012 02:01 PM

It sounds like you are taking this very rationally despite your jealousy, and handling it wonderfully so far. I would say the main thing to remember is communication, talk about everything as much as you can, and don't hide any feelings or thoughts no matter how silly or unimportant you think they may be. Communication is the key to making any relationship work, especially a poly one.

As far as your fear of him falling in love with another guy and leaving you, try thinking of it this way. He was a wonderful girlfriend who he loves very much and who makes him very happy. His girlfriend is trying to accept him being with another man, because she loves him so much that shes willing to work through her jealousy for him, even knowing it might be rough. If he falls in love with another man, why would he throw all that away? He has a chance at having both, so why choose just one? I know its hard to really understand from a monogomous perspective, just remember that no matter if he falls in love with someone else, his feelings for you will remain just as strong, if not stronger because of how happy will be that you were open to this. Trust me, there have been times i have been forced to choose between two partners because one was causing drama and risking our sexual safety with cheating and lying. Even then, it rips your heart out to have to leave one person you love for the other, its like a parent having to choose only one of two children. Just continue to remind yourself that his love for you is still there and he has no reason to leave someone he loves.

It is a good thing to discuss NRE or new relationship energy. Its very easy to get swept up in the new shininess of a relationship and neglect other partners. If he is aware these feelings will happen, he can take steps to make sure that especially at the beginning of their relationship he can shower you with love and affection and make sure you are getting the attention you need.

Also, at the start, you should make sure to discuss your boundaries with him. He is his own person and has the freedom to do whatever he wants, but you should outline what you are comfortable with and what the results will be if those boundaries are crossed. Personally, I would suggest something involving STD testing for the new partner so that you aren't put at risk. Also, managing time and making sure he spends at least an equal amount of time with you, especially at the start when the new relationship will be so exciting, is a good thing to discuss.

I hope this all helps, and I'm sure as things progress you'll get a better idea of what you are just fine with and what you need to work on some. Don't worry, if you set your mind to it you can conquer your jealousy and become more confident in your relationship, which even if this venture into poly doesnt work, is still a good result.

CielDuMatin 05-10-2012 03:45 PM

So is this just about the sex, or is your boyfriend thinking about having a romantic relationship with another guy as well? I think that the issues that come up with each are quite different.

Kateri74 05-10-2012 11:22 PM

At daraytala, thank you for your advice, we both communicate and talk about everything that we are thinking and feeling at the time, so there is no problem there, I know he loves me otherwise he would have just walked away. He does feel guilty because he feels that he is forcing me to make a decision, but as I told him that is my choice to make. I appreciate everything that you've said. Thanks

Kateri74 05-10-2012 11:26 PM

Hi cieldumatin, it's not all about sex, he finds other men attractive and would like to have a relationship with another man, we have spoken about boundaries and how this will affect our lives, but I am willing to try for his benefit as well as my own. I feel that our relationship can only get stronger from here, it's just a bit scary. Thanks

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