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-   -   approaching friends for MORE... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2357)

LovingRadiance 03-21-2010 11:10 PM

approaching friends for MORE...
I saw GS post on this in another thread and thought-been there done that!

K and I were friends. Her gf dumped her for a man. She was devastated. I held her in my arms, her tears streaming down my neck and chest.
A few months went by-and she wrote me a letter. Terrified of my reaction she handed it to me in her truck, parked in the dark by the ocean front in the fog.
I opened the letter and when I started reading-she panicked. She got out of the truck, shut the door oh so gently and wandered away. I stopped reading briefly wondering what the heck that was all about-but figured I should finish the letter then follow her.
So I read it. Tears came to my eyes. Her letter was telling me her feelings, her true, real feelings. It wasn't just an "I love you. Will you date me?" letter. She wrote that she thought she was falling for me, part of her wanted to tell me, but another part was terrified of what I might think-she knew I was bi, not straight or gay and that I tended to date men, and just take on women as a side thing. She was afraid of losing my friendship, afraid of being turned down, thought ill of, or humiliated.
I went looking for her, found her curled up defensively on a bench near the water. I leaned down and took her hand, brought her back to the truck and kissed her passionately.
Girl still owns a piece of my heart. She's long gone, moved on. But she's the perfect woman in my heart, my mind, my soul.

GG and I were friends for a couple years. In a moment of heartbreak, confusion and frustration I snuck into his house (he wasn't home). I crawled through a window-then unlocked the front door, went back out to get my then 3 1/2 year old daughter.
We went to GG's room, I laid out blankets in a corner for her, tucked her in and sang her to sleep.
I curled up in his bed and dozed on and off waiting for him to come home.
He came home with friends in tow and found his bedroom door locked. He was baffled, I could hear him exclaiming that he KNEW he'd never locked that door before he left. I unlocked it just as he was trying to pick it. He told the friends he had to deal with "this" (whatever that was, he nor they knew) and came in the room, shut the door.

I can't recall the exact conversation. In fact I daresay he recalls more of the details then I. But we made love that night-his first time. We curled up together in one anothers arms and slept, peacefully for me.

The next day I went home.

Years of deep platonic friendship followed and then when my world crumbled after I put that same daughter on a plane, he struggled through months of watching me suffer alone.
I broke finally and went to him again. I told him I was in love with him, that I loved Maca, but Maca was so caught up in his own drama he hadn't the time of day for me and I just needed someone to love me, for me, right now.
We became lovers and our bond tightened quickly-though I don't know how that was possible, we were already so close.

saudade 03-22-2010 12:20 AM

All of my stories fit this prompt...
Every relationship I have right now, we got to through friendship, and every time there has been some crazy moment where friendship stopped being the label. Some moments are touching and teary, and some are a bit more flippant...

I thought A1 was gay. I had just come out of the poly closet to him, and my other close friends. We were cuddling on his bed, and suddenly he was confessing that he was in love with me. I cried and snuggled closer. Lying in his arms that night was one of the most sexual, powerful, beautiful moments of my life. (We were primaries for two years, and I think we're heading that way again.)

K and I were friends while I was closed relationship with other people. He visited me at my college one weekend, and we cuddled and talked one whole night on a couch in the common room, from bedtime until dawn. We both called it love after that... but didn't start dating for another year. (Primaries, getting legally married this fall.)

Found out I wanted R&J both when R discovered I liked being strangled. It shifted our dynamic pretty quickly. (Long-distance tertiaries.)

I was losing it-- senior year of college, high stress, dating K long-distance. Being sexually starved, I could handle on my own, but BDSM wasn't something I could do without anymore. I freaked out to A2, and suddenly her face was too close to mine. She offered to top me, and I felt so much safer. (Secondary these days, not my dom anymore-- she's my "girlfriend from the waist up".)

It was Valentine's Day, and Z was staying over at our apartment so his housemate could spend time with her fiance. He seemed lonely, so I offered to cuddle, then offered to make-out. We had so much fun we decided to do it again, and started dating for real a month later. (Totally primary now, and loving it!)

After literally four years of joke-flirting, I found myself sitting topless on M's lap, and realized through my tipsy-ness that he wasn't jokingly pushing me away. We had a wild make-out session that night, and it was spectacular. (Tertiary... still in shock!)

GroundedSpirit 03-22-2010 03:44 PM

I guess, in theory, there should be no "fear" of opening to a friend for more. If you truly are indeed that close you would expect that they would honor that part of you and that you were sharing more of yourself in a genuine manner.
But there seems to be this niggling fear that it will somehow change the dynamic. Now there is potential for sexual tension between you where before there was none. This if the attraction was not mutual.

Still - true friends SHOULD (in theory) be able to navigate such a bump together.

This is something that's bothered me for some time, as I do have a close friend that I've felt has had some attraction for my SO - but I can't verify that. She and I have talked about "possibilities" and I think there is some interest on her part. But because we are all very good friends - we've been reluctant to rock that boat.

I've had some minimal discussions over the years regarding my (our) outlook on relationships, monogamy etc - enough to let him know that our relationship does NOT follow convention. And left it at that. Anticipated questions - never came.
Have dropped various other little hints such as links to poly sites like lovingmore etc. No real reaction.

Humans are sooooooo weird lol


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