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-   -   Real Poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23514)

brie 05-07-2012 07:59 AM

Real Poly
 
hello,
Me and my bf decided this year that we were open to the possibility of seeing other people. I am more interested in a real polyamorous relationship,I want to date women, and I have read about and lived with people who were, but never myself. We agreed that when and if we decided to date other people we would tell each other. Recently I had a funny feeling looked around a bit and found him on a dating website with his status as single. I'm confused. I don't really mind if he wants to flirt with girls online, whatever, but I feel that claiming single is dishonest, and shows a lack of respect for the relationship and me. I thought polyamory was about honesty. Am I overreacting. ??????

peace

Tonberry 05-07-2012 08:44 AM

I don't think you are overreacting if he's looking for relationships and pretending to be single.

This being said, how old was his profile on the dating site? Could it just be an old one he forgot about from when he was indeed single? Or maybe he started it, and there was no option for polyamory so he wrote "single" but expected to tell people the truth as soon as he could (did he describe his relationship at all in the text parts of his profile?)

I'm more worried about the fact that if he started the profile recently, he didn't tell you anything about it. If he's already going behind your back, it seems more likely that he would be lying to prospective partners as well.

But maybe it was just a liberating gesture for him, and meant nothing. Maybe he never talked to anyone there. I think you should tell him you found his profile and ask about it. See what the explanation is, and make sure to stress you want honesty between the two of you and with other people.

Good luck!

DarayTala 05-07-2012 02:44 PM

I'd say be upfront about it and just ask. Don't accuse or act as though he's done anything wrong, because you don't know if he has, just be curious. Tonberry makes a good point, it could very well be there isn't an option for poly, or he didn't realize if there was. If thats the case, I would recommend to him that he put that he is poly in the text of his profile, that was there is no confusion. Of course, there are a couple dating sites that don't allow that at all either. If thats the case, I would recommend you point him towards a sight like OKC which has a 'taken but looking' option and seems to have a good number of poly folks.

In all honestly, if you are both new to this he probably just doesn't know how to go about things. He may be worried if he says he is dating someone, that it will scare people off, but that if they get to know him first and he then tells them, it will be more likely to work. This really isn't fair though, because you are allowing people to become attached under false pretenses. This is something I would suggest talking to him about as well. I've seen threads here discussing when to tell a potential partner you are poly, and would recommend reading over those with him. I personally believe you need to be upfront from the start, but not everyone thinks that. Find out what he thinks and discuss your (potentially differing) opinions. Decide if you need to both stick to one way of doing things or not. You may need to compromise on this, and ask that he just let the person know when they begin to show interest and before any dates or anything else, as opposed to broadcasting it initially. Its not the way I would do things, and seems to not be your preference either, but if he is making sure to tell people before things progress with them to anything romantic, that just may be his way of doing things and I think he would still be doing right by your relationship.

Also, you may want to ask him if it would be alright to talk to potential partners briefly before he begins a relationship. I think this is perfectly reasonable, because if you and them are communicating as well there is a lot less room for later problems. Even if he is completely honest and trustworthy, he can't express your feelings as well as you can, so opening the lines of communication between you and the new partner makes sure that they know about how you feel in all this, and also that you know how they feel firsthand and can try and respect and accommodate that. Its just a suggestion, but I think if you both try to put this down as an initial rule, it will make you confident that hes told his partner about polyamory, and also possibly prevent future problems from arising because everyone knows what the others expect.

I hope this helps!

km34 05-07-2012 11:45 PM

I'm going to agree that you should just talk to him. Sooner rather than later.

Personally, I would find looking around online trying to find something he did wrong as a breach of trust in the relationship. Why didn't you just ask him in the first place instead of going online to check up on him?

Also, like others have mentioned - there are various reasons why he may not be listed as in a relationship. Whether it's because he didn't think he'd get any attention if he admitted it or they don't have the option or he didn't know how. The only way to know is to ask. :)

nycindie 05-08-2012 05:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brie (Post 135207)
I am more interested in a real polyamorous relationship...

That's an odd expression. What does "real poly" mean to you? Just curious.

brie 05-09-2012 09:22 AM

Thanks for your replies,
I should have been more clear in my post with a few more details. Earlier this month when we were monogamous the same thing happened, I found out he was making plans to meet with women from a site, without my knowledge. I was really hurt, but eventually I got over it since nothing happened. I am open to poly relationships so In time I told him " If you want to date women, its ok as long as I know beforehand". He says that he doesn't and He seems uncomfortable talking about it. I try to get him to open up about his intentions. esentually it sounds like an escape fantasy he is seeking. But then the same behavior, making plans to meet with girls behind my back, a small thing but Its the principle. How can I trust him if he does this thing he knew hurt me?
I talked to him about it,he said when we fight it makes him feel free.
I am just confused. I want to give him freedom but I need more honesty.

Tonberry 05-09-2012 01:22 PM

My guess is that he feels he doesn't have enough control or something, and by doing something he knows you don't like (and not actually going through with it, because he's not actually interested) he feels independent or in control or something.
I think if that's the case it's BS. Only a bully needs to hurt others to feel validated. If he has issues where he feels out of control or trapped or whatever, he needs to address them with you, not punish you.

Ultimately you might have to see a counselor or something, but in the meantime maybe talking about it will help?

ViableAlternative 05-09-2012 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 135438)
Only a bully needs to hurt others to feel validated. If he has issues where he feels out of control or trapped or whatever, he needs to address them with you, not punish you.



This deserves some serious emphasis.



He sounds very immature, and possibly not capable of handling a serious relationship at this time in his life.

You don't deserve to be lied to, or to have fights picked with you, just to make him feel better about himself. That's not love, that's bullying.

nycindie 05-09-2012 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brie (Post 135431)
...making plans to meet with girls behind my back, a small thing but Its the principle.

I wouldn't call it a small thing when he knows that is exactly the boundary you asked for. He crossed it. Knowingly and purposely.

Quote:

Originally Posted by brie (Post 135431)
I talked to him about it,he said when we fight it makes him feel free.
I am just confused. I want to give him freedom but I need more honesty.

Well, in actuality, he is free. His freedom is not yours to give - you don't own him. So he needs to step up and take responsibility for his actions, you need to stop snooping on him, and the two of you need to communicate without fighting. Talk about what you are comfortable with, what you're not comfortable with - no need to fight about it! - and negotiate where in the middle you meet. State what the consequences will be when lines are crossed and then follow through on them. If he could lose you because of his behavior, let him know. Don't put up with bullshit. It takes some maturity as well as honesty, on both your parts. If you can't make compromises that work for both of you, think about alternatives. Maybe poly can't work for you, maybe it can - it's up to you.


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