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-   -   swallowing pride, for better or for worse (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23495)

polypenguin 05-05-2012 03:26 PM

swallowing pride, for better or for worse
so here I go, my very first blog. Feel free to respond/tell me i'm an idiot, or agree with me on certain issues.

So, here's the back story. My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over four and a haalf years now. And though we haven't been perfect, we love eachother very much. About 5 months ago, we decided to try poly. I had wanted it for sometime, but prior to us nearly breaking up she had only hated me for that.

Deciding we love eachother, and still want to be together, she agreed to poly/open relationships. The next couple moths were great, though we didn't really do anything (or anyone), just the idea of having that kind of freedom meant the world to me. We were in a better place than we'd been in several months.

then, we decided to have a four some with some poly friends whom at the time, seemed to understand where we were mentally and relationship wise. Well, it was a little much for her right off the bat, and I understand that. (please let it be known we BOTH agreed to the four some. I did not force her into it.)

a couple weeks later, while staying over (though not sleeping with) that same couple, my girlfriend overheard a conversation between the two of them, where he said to his wife, (talking about me) "you need to go in there an fuck the shit out of him so she'll leave." given, neither of us hang around with them anymore.

needless to to say, she was upset, and because of which, she closed our relationship again. She told me she wasn't ready, and couldn't give me that now. I felt like i'd lost my freedom. I still wanted her to love/sleep with whom she chose fit, aand told her so. Even if I couldn't. I felt it would help her grow as a person in several ways.

so here we are three or four months after that, and she now has a girl whom she's not dating, but fools around with, and a boy whom isn't her boyfriend yet, but they are very much in love (and have been for five years). Both of her lovers/lusters are free to be with whomever they choose.

so here comes my problem. I love her, and respect that she wants to be with the other two people. I feel very compersionate about that. I love them both, they are great people. But, I can't help feeling upset/disappointed/whatever about the fact that she is allowed to be open, and both of them are allowed to be open, but i'm not.

so this is where the title comes into place, for better or for worse, I have to swallow my pride right now, and I hate the inequallity that this has created for me. On one hand, I think I asked for it, but on the other, I still feel hurt. I don't feel like she ever will be ok with me dating/sleeping with other people, as there has been no progression in that direction for months.

I want her to do what she wants, but I hate that out of the three lovers/lusters in her life, i'm the only one who can't be open.

what i'm trying to accomplish by posting here, is to see if writing about it will help me come to an understanding for all of these new situations. Today i'm feeling particularly down about it, and just need time to think and cry and whatever else. I'll try to post every day about how i'm feeling, and feel free to post comments/suggestions.

Jade 05-05-2012 06:12 PM

I understand. Moving at the pace of the slowest party sucks when you're not the slow one. I'm not even being facetious. It really does, because you wind up feeling like, "Dayum... how is it I'm always the one holding the short straw?" And your patience and kindness get tested and pushed and prodded, and somewhere in the back of your mind, there's a little cricket singing, "If you really love someone, you'll continue to sacrifice, because that's love."

Go ahead and cry. You've gotta get the stress out somehow.

km34 05-05-2012 07:28 PM


Originally Posted by polypenguin (Post 135007)
so this is where the title comes into place, for better or for worse, I have to swallow my pride right now, and I hate the inequallity that this has created for me. On one hand, I think I asked for it, but on the other, I still feel hurt. I don't feel like she ever will be ok with me dating/sleeping with other people, as there has been no progression in that direction for months.

This is what really struck out to me. My thoughts:

1 - You should NOT have told her you are okay with her being with others when you weren't 100% okay with that. It seems you only did it as an "if I let her do x, she'll let me do y" mentality and that very rarely works. Or if it does, it usually breeds discontent and a sense of being manipulated.

2 - When you agreed (or suggested) to keep your relationship open for her but closed for you, did you do it with the understanding that she would be working towards being comfortable with you being available to others as well? If so, this would kind of negate point #1, and would then give basis for you re-broaching the topic to make sure she is not just having her cake and eating it too but is also working on herself.

3 - As an expansion to point 2, you shouldn't hide these feelings from her. Have you been or have you two been talking about it? Has she shown any effort on working on her stuff or does it seem like she got what she wanted and is done working towards what you want? Progress can be hard to see when it is taken in tiny little steps. Is it possible that she IS working on things still and somewhat making progress and that it is just taking longer than you expected/wanted?

4 - I still think you need to talk to her about this imbalance you're feeling. Resenting her freedom is doing your relationship no favors. At all. Sure, you initiated this situation, but for a relationship to work long-term boundaries and emotions and goals and thoughts and everything have to be re-examined and re-discussed from time to time. Maybe it's time to do that so that you both get on the same page (either you okay with the way things are, her more actively working on her unresolved issues of you being with others, or completely closed or some other variation in between). Do remember, though, that she felt like her trust in you was betrayed during some stressful, crazy situations. She may still be processing, but, especially if you haven't done so lately, checking in about it is never a bad idea.

Anyway, I think it's fair to be upset. I think it's great that you're being patient and respecting her boundaries. BUT compromising your own happiness for hers isn't a solution. Get it out somehow whether it be attacking the problem head on or finding some way (like this blog :) ) to vent it out. Do what you need to do, in a respectful manner, to make sure the relationship is working for BOTH of you!

polypenguin 05-05-2012 10:00 PM

thankyou both.

I appreciate your input, and I agree with you. I guess I could add a little more info.

so I agreed to let her do what she wants (within reason), because I feel it will help her understand that when i'm with someone else, it doesn't take away/devalue our relationship. I want her to do as she pleases, because I feel it is important for both of us. As much as it hurts, I know I have to swallow my pride.

that is why i'm typing this blog, it is sort of a journal and a way to vent my feelings/frustrations. I suppose some people would call it complaining haha, but I appreciate you reading it.

oh, and a last note, she understands the sacrifice i'm making for her (though not 100% I think), and is very appreciative of it. And she is working on her issues, and I am very appreciative of her steps. And you're right, baby steps are difficult to see. I guess I never thought of that, thankyou.

polypenguin 05-05-2012 10:01 PM

last for today, i'm feeling better, thank you all.

km34 05-06-2012 01:50 AM

Everyone needs to complain sometimes. :)

dingedheart 05-06-2012 12:23 PM

Was there a theoretical end date to this plan?

What's stopping you from saying..."this has turned out great ...you've got these other guys ....you're happy ...you are free to feel all this extra love excitement and can see it hasn't changed our relationship .....what a great test run ...I'm some glad we got through this together. Do you think you are ready for me to start dating? Because this imbalance is starting to wear thin ...I'm beginning to resent the double standard.

How exactly does pride play a part in this ?

polypenguin 05-06-2012 07:40 PM

well, in swallowing my pride, I meant sometimes in life we have to accept the things we can't change for now. And that is what i'm doing.

it is difficult, but I know I need to have jealousy and ego and whatever else removed from the situation, and creating inequallity I believe will help me do that.

polypenguin 05-06-2012 07:40 PM

oh, and the end date is this year at burningman.

Anneintherain 05-07-2012 05:58 AM

I just want to throw in...if you mean at burning man you are free to be with people again and can start having sex with whomever you want - I would say that sounds like a bad idea. To me my partner wandering off our campsite at burning man to have casual sex would be just as over my head and scary way to watch them dip their toes into seeing others again as a foursome as a first poly experience would be.
So if that is the plan, do you think it might be smarter and more emotionally safe for her if you mean you'll start seeing/sleeping with people locally after that date? I do think being at a safe place like home for those emotional experiences is going to be a much smoother way to go from what I've read from you two so far.

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