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-   -   Help. I dont think im cut out for this. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23458)

sm0k3st4ck 05-04-2012 12:32 AM

Help. I dont think im cut out for this.
my name is Smoke stack. I'm in a poly relationship. It includes one Male, and 3 females, including myself. I love this man more than i can comprehend. Sometimes i think hes the only one who understands me. But sometimes i think no one understands me at all. The two other girls, one of them i want nothing more than to be friends. I don't find her attractive, but she is great friend. the other girl i am attracted to. Shes my same age, but there is nothing we have in common. All i can base my attraction off of is her physical appearance. I don't know why but it seems like we are two completely different people. This makes me angry because i want to get close to her but it seems impossible. She acts like she wants nothing to do with me, but wants everything to do with the Male in the relationship. I just don't understand how we can love the same man, but have no interest in each other.

Am i being too picky? Is this normal? My interests might be too lame and geeky for her to get into. Maybe I'm not cut out to be in this relationship? If i trusted and got to know her more, maybe i wouldn't feel so jealous. Sometimes i feel like shes here to take my place, she is the same age as me after all. Then i get these thoughts, shes skinny-er than me, has perfect teeth, I don't. She acts like she is more sexually active than me and i sit and think about how that's probably more attractive to the male, being sexually charged. I mean, I like sex as much as the next 19 year old but, I'm kind of inexperienced. All these things make me jealous and I'm pulling my hair out at the thought of losing the male, I just want to like her...

any advice?

nycindie 05-04-2012 03:44 AM

Why do you think you should be involved with his other girlfriends? You don't have to be. I wouldn't try to force the issue with someone who isn't interested. Just enjoy your relationship with the guy, and be happy with polite, respectful friendships with your metamours. If you want an additional partner, you have a whole world out there...

redpepper 05-05-2012 04:03 AM

There is nothing that says in the rule book of poly that you have to all be dating one another. :p If you just like the guy, then date him and enjoy your metamours for what they are... metamours. They aren't quite friends, sometimes lovers, often people just quietly respect their partners partners and thats it. It seems like these other women are just a different interest to him. I would shrug it off and carry on being a good partner to him and getting on with other things in life.

As to the liking the one woman. It sounds like she isn't interested or would of shown interest. Maybe if you tell her that you want to spend more time with her she will take notice. Otherwise, ya, move on.

kdt26417 05-05-2012 04:21 AM

Hi Smoke Stack,

You may be over-thinking things; your wheels seem to be spinning really fast and you feel you're not getting to where you want to go.

I think if you have worries about being replaced by one of the other females, the first thing you should do is go to the male directly and ask him upfront if that is going to happen. You need to have a heart-to-heart with him. So you're worried about being the same age as one of the other gals, of being less skinny, of having less-than-perfect teeth (LOL, I can relate with you there, my teeth are something else), of being not as sexually active than perhaps you think you need to be? You should tell him that these are fears and insecurities that you have. It would give him a chance to give you some reassurance.

As for the gal you're attracted to, love unrequited is a hard thing, but we can't help who we're attracted to, and sometimes it's kind of random. Heck, maybe the female who you're not attracted to is attracted to you. Maybe she feels "rejected" or "unrequited," who knows? Attraction has so much to do with biological chemistry; the one thing you can really do something about is fostering a friendship. Just about anyone can be friends, even if they don't have that much in common -- as long as both people are willing to countenance the friendship. I would still try to do little things to reach out to the gal you're attracted to, but don't push yourself too far in that direction. Enjoy your already-existing friendship with the other gal. That's something to be cherished.

Love is always a risk, as it involves vulnerability. You have to be brave to make yourself vulnerable. Be brave, and give time a chance. Sometimes things get worked out, a little at a time.

And don't be too quick to dismiss yourself as being "not cut out for this." You may be stronger, braver, and more beautiful than you realize. Just concentrate on being yourself, and have faith that you're worthy of love, just as you are.

Kevin T.

HotPepper 05-05-2012 06:09 AM


Originally Posted by sm0k3st4ck (Post 134807)
Am i being too picky? Is this normal? My interests might be too lame and geeky for her to get into. Maybe I'm not cut out to be in this relationship?

No, you're not being too picky. And your interests are yours and you should be proud of your uniqueness. But you shouldn't assume you'll naturally get along with this woman just because you're both attracted to the guy. It doesn't work like that.

But there's a much bigger problem here, and that's the trust issue. It's going to be difficult to continue a relationship if you don't trust her. How can you like someone you don't trust? She may not trust you either, and she may not be mature enough for you to approach her and calmly talk this through and resolve the trust issues. That's the elephant in the room for you. Until that's resolved this relationship will continue to stress you out. Eventually, something will snap with someone. And not having a go at your age, but I imagine that the others in the relationship are around you age? That's a volatile age for making any relationship work, poly or mono.

sm0k3st4ck 05-05-2012 11:09 PM

Thank you Kevin, and thank you Everyone for the helpful advice. I have come to the conclusion that I'm sort of an "alien". I cant describe that any worse or any better x) I'm hard to like and be comfortable with. My interests are Foreign and weird. I like what i like and that's that. I should just concentrate on the Male in my life, stay respectful to the other female partners, and move on. The idea of spending wasted time on someone who doesn't "get me" and probably doesn't want to seems pretty drawn out and boring. I cant identify with her, and i should just leave it at that. I'm lucky to have the male in my life that does love me and understand me. I guess i was digging myself a hole looking for buried acceptance. Its not there, so i need to climb out of this hole and seek acceptance in what I already have.

kdt26417 05-06-2012 12:56 AM

Sounds like a smart frame of mind to be in. :)

DarayTala 05-06-2012 06:31 AM

Honestly, I don't think you should categorize yourself as totally alien or odd because of any particular interests. I don't think that in any way would make you hard to like or be comfortable with. For example, I'm about as odd as they come. I'm into all manner of odd geeky pursuits (very much a table top rpg player, go to conventions and spend massive amounts of time working on costumes for them, etc), I'm a member of the strange and much misunderstood furry fandom, I'm quite far into the kink world (in a very much 24/7 way), and so on. I also went through a period in my life where I was so socially awkward I went almost six month not speaking to anyone but my parents, because I would freeze up when anyone so much as looked my way. Despite all that, I find now that I've come to a point where I can hold a conversation with almost anyone. I have (after a long and hard time) gotten courageous enough that I can usually walk up to anyone on the street and start talking (except for some rare shy moments where I get a bit lost in who I used to be). I can also get along with pretty much anyone, or at least be friendly. If I can't get along with someone its usually only if they are intentionally unpleasant. I honestly think, that if you want to get along with someone, having some different interests is not going to make the difference. You can hit it off amazingly with someone who has nothing in common with you and talk for hours, or you could find someone with almost identical interests and just have the conversation be dull and awkward. In the end its really just about learning to be animated, friendly, and bold, when getting to know people. So if thats what you want with her, or in general when it comes to getting to know people, just go for it! Don't think you can't do it, believe you can and work towards it until you get there.

kdt26417 05-07-2012 04:05 AM

Good points, Daray.

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