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-   -   Greetings & Guidance Appreciated (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23450)

moonglow82 05-03-2012 06:40 PM

Greetings & Guidance Appreciated
 


Greetings all!

I'm going by Moonglow Gal. I'm 29 and live on the coast of beautiful central California. I'm a teacher, artist and doula. My husband is 28 and is a musician. We are family planning in hopes of getting pregnant in the next year or so.

I am new to this forum and new to the idea of open relationships in general. I've decided to share about myself and my relationship in hopes that I may receive some support, guidance, and perhaps a new way at looking at myself, my beliefs, my marriage, etc. Your compassion and kind words are greatly appreciated in advance!

We have been together in a monogamous relationship for 11 years and have been married for almost 3 years. We both agree that we are happy. We both enjoy our monogamous marriage, but it seems like we have an annual discussion around what it would be like to have an open marriage (always brought up by my husband).

Our latest discussion came up last weekend and now I'm wondering if this is something I need to seriously look at. I find myself being a little curious about what it would be like to have a second lover, perhaps committed partner for myself. But when I think of my husband having a second lover, perhaps committed partner, so much stuff comes up for me (fear of abandonment, envy, jealousy, fear, insecurity). My husband is sweet and considerate about it, saying that if I'm uncomfortable at all or not ready to think about it, he's happy to stay monogamous, no pressure. But then there's a part of me that wants him to be happy and wants to give him what he wants... whatever that is. He's not sure if he just wants more closeness in his friendships with women, a lover, or a committed partner. He has stated that it would be fun to find someone who was into both of us for a threesome...

I'm not sure what I'm asking of you, fellow forum reader. I've been looking around this site, trying to find something to help me figure out how I feel about all this. The only thing I know for sure is that it feels like a lot for me to consider with an open mind and open heart.

I appreciate your feedback, thoughts, advice, personal stories, etc. Thank you for reading and welcoming me to this forum!

Rowan 05-04-2012 01:24 AM

Welcome to the forum. I'm new here to.

Ii struggled for years with sharing my hubby, and finally agreed because I could say I trusted him all I wanted, but if there was never a reason to exercise that trust, it was just talk. That was my decision, and I know you will make yours based on your own situation. I haven't regretted the decision in the 3 months since we made it. :)

I hoope you find what youwant.

kdt26417 05-04-2012 04:47 AM

Hello Moonglow Gal,
Welcome to our forum.

I'm sure you'll have a lot of reading, conversing, and pondering to do before you decide whether an open relationship is right for you. A bit about terminology, "open" usually means that the "core relationship" is open to dating (and sex) outside that relationship, whereas in a closed relationship, there's no sex except inside the core relationship (although a newcomer may become part of that core relationship in due time). Non-monogamy refers to any situation where one has romantic encounters/involvements beyond the traditional monogamous "couple," whether those encounters/involvements are physical (sexual), emotional, or both. If it's both, then it's called "polyamory." Those are all real basic versions of the definitions ... Semantics can develop into quite a discussion among polyamorists. :)

Anyway, the best (or at least fastest, LOL) way to learn about polyamory (and open relationships) is to jump right in and start conversing with polyamorists. So you're in the right place! Check out the threads that interest you, start your own new threads if you desire, and make your thoughts/concerns/questions known. Polyamory.com is quite a busy site, so don't get discouraged if you get lost in the shuffle at first. Actually, chances are you'll quickly get responses to your posts, and find yourself making new friends.

I personally "fell into" polyamory ... via falling in love with someone who was already married. But I'd already gone through huge changes in how I viewed life and the world ...

You may find yourself going through huge changes too. But don't be alarmed if it turns out to be a gradual process. Actually, in the beginning, slow is usually the best way to go.

I hope you'll enjoy your stay with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

SNeacail 05-04-2012 07:17 AM

Just a bit of advice, do NOT start anything new once you are pregnant and for a good while after baby. Pregnacy and the first three years are extremely stressful and can get unbearable if both parents aren't focusing most of their attention on supporting each other in raising this kid. Consider postponing your pregnancy plans as you look into opening your marriage.

Mixing pregnancy/postpartum and drama is like mixing your alcohol, REALY BAD IDEA!

nycindie 05-04-2012 07:30 AM

Hi and welcome! We have another member here who goes by Moonglow.

You may wish to check out the Books and Websites and the Glossary thread, both stickies at the top of our Poly Relationships forum.

It sounds like you are both starting to explore this from a good place of consideration, caring, and compassion for each other. There is no need to rush into a poly situation. Make sure you both are comfortable and have addresses any fears and insecurities that could come up.

I will say I highly recommend the book Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. It's a great one for couples, and on her website she has a few free checklists of good questions to ask yourself and your partner now that you are contemplating poly. They are PDFs and you can find them here: http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

I especially like the bottom two documents on that page, "Reflecting on Change" and "Self Evaluation." Some good questions in those to promote the thought process and consider angles you may not have before.

Also check out the Life Stories and Blogs forum to read others' perspectives, and the Golden Nuggets for good info. Any questions, feel free to start a thread or PM other members!

nycindie 05-04-2012 07:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 134836)
Mixing pregnancy/postpartum and drama is like mixing your alcohol, REALY BAD IDEA!

This is true but polyamory doesn't automatically mean high drama. It doesn't have to turn into a roller-coaster ride. With forethought, honesty, consideration, and a willingness to go slowly, moving from mono to poly can actually be a smooth transition.

SNeacail 05-04-2012 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 134838)
This is true but polyamory doesn't automatically mean high drama. It doesn't have to turn into a roller-coaster ride. With forethought, honesty, consideration, and a willingness to go slowly, moving from mono to poly can actually be a smooth transition.

Not saying it can't under normal circumstances. However, when your pregnant, moving, changing your hair style, or Target not having your favorite toilet paper equates to HIGH drama. Just saying don't start this for the first time while pregant/postpartum. Small stuff that would normally be handled with a simple conversation will become catostrophic. Get comfortable with the situation before getting pregnant or wait for a good while afterwards.

nycindie 05-04-2012 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 134840)
However, when your pregnant, moving, changing your hair style, or Target not having your favorite toilet paper equates to HIGH drama.

:D:):p:Dhttp://polymatchmaker.com/graphics/smiles/lolsmile.gif


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