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-   -   New Territory! Oh, wait, this trail has been tread before by many. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23448)

blytheandbonny 05-03-2012 05:44 PM

New Territory! Oh, wait, this trail has been tread before by many.
Hello! Newbie here. Not even sure that I belong here, but I figured that I'd start here and see where things go. I've been reading through this forum quite avidly and and am so appreciative of all of the wealth of information and strong community I've seen here.

I'll save the crux of my questions for the appropriate subforum(s), but I did want to drop in and introduce myself. Seems the polite thing to do. I'm an IT professional divorced serial monogamist woman in her early 40s. No kids.

Wandered my way over here for education and advice. I've found this amazing man whom I love very much, and I believe the feelings are reciprocated. Never have I experienced the same sort of fulfilling passion, intellectual compatibility/challenge...well, I could go on and on.

The twist for us is that though he's in the middle of a divorce from his whole-adult-life relationship, he still loves her deeply, intractably (as she does him), and that even though they're closing the door on their legal partnership - their bond is likely to be evergreen.

She's asexual and he is not. Though she does not desire sex, she does desire those lovely warm caresses, kisses, and possibly, occasionally, the connection that only sex can provide. He will lovingly provide all of that for her when she wishes, probably for the entirety of their lives.

This is is a new realization for all parties involved. Prior to the last couple of weeks, I think everyone was working under the impression that their close relationship would be entirely platonic going forward.

My relationship with this man, whom I very much suspect is my soul mate, is conditional upon my not only acceptance of the bond between them, but my loving supportive blessing of it.

I'm sorting through my feelings about this. Wrapping my mind around it. It's all such very new territory.

So, that's the quick version of the story and why I've ambled into your midst. Glad to meet you all. Something tells me I'm going to get to know you much better in the days to come.


dingedheart 05-03-2012 06:30 PM

Hi and welcome.

Who is placing the additional condition ( loving supportive blessing ) on this.

Maybe that should be a goal not a requirement.

What things have you required as a condition in this negotiation?

blytheandbonny 05-03-2012 08:01 PM

Thanks for the welcome!

The condition is a paraphrasing on my part from a couple of different conversations I've had with my guy. Here's a paste from a chat that we had yesterday:

"Is this the bottom line? You are attracted to both she and I as objects of your sexual desire, and your love, honor, respect, and cherish for her demands that you not indulge that desire with her unless she initiates that contact. Further, a condition of my love, honor, respect and cherish for you must by definition include an understanding and support of that bond."

"I think that's a fair and accurate reflection of the situation. Yes."

This is all so new to me that I am still exploring what is appropriate to ask for in the negotiation and what my motives would be for any conditions. I don't want to infringe on something that they both need. I do want to be supportive and loving. Wary of anything that sets up a her v. me situation.

Mostly I've asked lots of questions, but I haven't asked for anything yet. Other than to be loved entirely, not as a subset of just meeting the one need that's absent their bond.

dingedheart 05-03-2012 10:06 PM

Yeah ....you're right ...that pretty clear.

Why are they getting a divorce if they want this relationship?

Did this start as some swinging experiment or threesome?

It seems incongruent to place such a condition on a new partner while he's getting a divorce from that person.

I could understand respect, acceptance, being cordial and nice ....but loving support seems a lttile far....to me.

Has he demanded the same from her ...towards you ?

blytheandbonny 05-03-2012 10:44 PM

They're getting divorced b/c he very much wants sex and she very rarely does, as she considers herself asexual. It's taken hours of explaining it to me for me to really get it. She really, really, really doesn't desire sex and feels horrible that she cannot offer him what she doesn't feel when it's something that's an absolute must for him. And he feels horrible for putting her in this position. They value their relationship very highly and felt that if they stayed on this path, the relationship would inevitably and irrevocably erode.

They were sort of separated when he and I started seeing each other. They have separate dwellings. The impending divorce had been openly announced for months before I showed up on the scene. Definitely not any kind of threesome/swinger scenario here.

I don't know what he's demanded of her regarding me.

They apparently had a conversation today about what the lines are between them physically now. Seems pretty tame to me at this point.

I very much like this idea that there can be goals - that it doesn't all have to be instant right now. My gut tells me I can handle this with grace but that it will be a process over time.

Unlearning assumptions is certainly an interesting thing.

kdt26417 05-04-2012 03:53 AM


"My gut tells me I can handle this with grace but that it will be a process over time."
I think you have the right idea there.

Blythe/Bonny, welcome to our forum.

It seems like your position is well-informed, even as a newbie (to this whole polyamory thing). I think that your attitude is exemplary, though I'm sure you have your doubts and fears. Polyamory.com has a wealth of info and participation, so you should be able to get answers to your questions here.

I'm glad to have you onboard.
Kevin T.

blytheandbonny 05-04-2012 05:49 AM

Thanks for the welcome, Kevin!

It's an odd thing, being here and not sure that I belong. Your compliments are much appreciated.

My guy and his wife (UGH, as a 3rd wave feminist, it rankles me to reduce anyone to their marriage status. I should develop empowering nicknames for them both that uncondescendingly indicate who they are to me for clarity's sake) both read this post and the other post I made in the relationship forum.

I quite gather that I skimmed over quite a bit of important nuance for her.

I don't doubt it. She and I have met once for about 90 seconds. All other communication happens between him and her and then separately, him and me. Perhaps one day she and I will have an independent relationship and can share information directly without it being weird. I'm sort of amused at the idea of the amount of pasting convos back and forth he must have done tonight.

Which is an opportunity for an *awesome* game of 2nd grade Telephone (uh-oh, am I dating myself here?)

He's marvelously complex. Any woman he would adore as he does her would have to be the same.

Meeting them tomorrow night with their son for a movie. Will be the first time I'm meeting the son.

SUPER curious and optimistic about it. I don't think it will be awkward. Blending the family is a huge step for everyone, and I don't think any of us take that lightly. I'm humbled and honored that I'll be included in this family ritual.

Fingers crossed that it goes swimmingly tomorrow night! I could use an unqualified success. I'm also super willing in the metaphysical sense to pass on surplus good karma, so, community, feel free to send me as much as you can spare. I'll pass on the extra.

kdt26417 05-04-2012 08:05 PM

Sounds like things are going well, and here's some good ju-ju for your family blending night tonight.

I'll check out your relationship forum post a little later.

Kevin T.

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