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-   -   Nervous (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2344)

Derbylicious 03-19-2010 04:39 PM

Nervous
 
So a little bit of back story here. My husband is away for work and has been since October. He's recently met someone who he gets along with well where he is. They've asked for my permission to get to know each other better. The whole being asked for permission thing throws me for a loop a bit. It reminds me of many years ago when my husband would tell his friends that I wouldn't let him do something with them when more often than not is was just an excuse because he didn't want to do it himself.

From what I know of the new lady in his life (through email) I do like her. She has a good head on her shoulders and seems to have herself figured out. But I am nervous about change. I don't know if it's because I haven't seen him in such a long time. How is this going to change things with us when he gets back? She was planning to move out this way before she met him. I think mostly I just don't know what to expect and I'm feeling a little bit lost.

I don't want to be asked for permission. What I want is to be kept in the loop and allowed to express how I'm feeling about things and to be heard by my husband. I don't know why I'm so fixated on the permission thing. Maybe it's because I want to be a partner and not a parent. Anyway I just needed to let this out.

-Derby

MonoVCPHG 03-19-2010 04:50 PM

Support is always close :)

NeonKaos 03-19-2010 07:48 PM

If they are really asking for your permission because they want to know YOU are ok with it, not because he wants you to be ok with it FOR him, then it's just a common-courtesy to do that. But, you should be honest about it if you are NOT "ok" with it.

I realize you were not asking for this kind of advice but I went out on a limb and gave it anyway.

Derbylicious 03-19-2010 08:11 PM

I am 'ok' with the situation, just not with being asked permission (if that makes any sense).

SchrodingersCat 03-19-2010 10:51 PM

I completely understand. Sometimes my husband asks me for permission for the silliest things, and I'm always so confused and worried about how I must come across sometimes that he feels he needs to ask permission for those things.

It could be that he feels he needs your permission as a form of endorsement and support, more than "asking mom if it's ok to come out and play." I would just mention that you "felt funny" about being asked for permission like you were his mom, and that you don't want to see yourself in that role.

*giggles* I love the range of people on here, from "I fully support him and I don't want him to feel like he needs permission" to "how could he just do this without asking me first if it's ok?" ... you can certainly see where they get the idea that they should ask first, and personally I think it's better that he's playing it safe than sorry... I'm sure you're a lot less offended being asked for permission than you would have been if you HAD wanted to be asked, and you WEREN'T... if THAT makes any sense...

GroundedSpirit 03-20-2010 12:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 24463)
I am 'ok' with the situation, just not with being asked permission (if that makes any sense).

Not LOOKING for something to find fault with are we ???? <just kidding> :)

I suspect they were both just trying to be considerate as others have mentioned. Unless you are into the D/s thing I doubt it's more than that.
Be thankful. Like SchrodingersCat says - isn't it better to be on this end than the other ?

Deep breath. Smile.

GS

Derbylicious 03-22-2010 10:28 PM

So just to update, I'm slowly finding my footing in this new dynamic. I'm having to learn to voice very clearly what my expectations are. It's hard being aross the continent from someone and trying to negotiate boundaries without being overly restrictive. I want my husband to be happy but I am also very protective of the on-line time I get with him. (Which isn't all that much with a full time job and a 4 hour time difference). But what I have on-line is all that I have at the moment.

-Derby

Derbylicious 03-23-2010 05:54 PM

I'm on a weird emotional rollercoaster. I'm content this morning. Smiling and happy and not at all worried. I had a nice chat yesterday evening with a lovely lady and I think that may have helped bring the calm back. I'm not feeling all panicky and nervous at the moment.

Now if I can only stop comparing myself. I see myself through my own (probably rather distorted) lens where I'm quite dull. So new SO's in my husband's life always seem more fun and exciting than I am. Strangely enough I don't feel that way about him at all. It doen't make any sense that he would feel that way about me. Boo for low self esteem. Any tips on changing your own lens?

-Derby

Ariakas 03-23-2010 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 24692)
Boo for low self esteem. Any tips on changing your own lens?

-Derby

Ever try using re-affirmation techniques. Figure out what you like about yourself (also find things people compliment you on that make you feel good), write them down and use them to reaffirm your self-esteem. Might help :)

NeonKaos 03-24-2010 02:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 24706)
Ever try using re-affirmation techniques. Figure out what you like about yourself (also find things people compliment you on that make you feel good), write them down and use them to reaffirm your self-esteem. Might help :)


Yea, and I bet you can draw from your derby experiences to do that.


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