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-   -   First Poly Break-Up (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23433)

IrisAwakened 05-03-2012 11:24 AM

First Poly Break-Up
My poly boyfriend of 6 mos broke it off with me last Sunday. I have been married to my husband for 6 years and haven't been broken up with since I was in high school. It was so strange to feel that hurt again. I felt naiive for thinking that his talk of forever was true. What can I say, I'm an optimist! But the thing that made this different from those teen heartbreaks is that I had the love and support of my husband and other boyfriend. I can't believe what a difference that makes in recovering from the loss of my first poly love.

I mean, look at it this way, rebounding is easy and accepted when it is with existing partners! I know that my other (or only) boyfriend is relishing the extra time, and you know what, so am I. I know that this break-up was probably for the best because neither he nor I could stand the distance, as I am so much more an in-town type of girl. I like to see my loves everyday if I can. I am happy that he fought for his happiness instead of sacrificing it for my own. When he did it he said that it was for my happiness too, but I couldn't see that. How could taking his wonderful love away make me happy? It did, as could now focus on what is physically present in my life. My wonderful family, the love my husband has for me and my budding relationship with my boyfriend. As much as it hurts to not see him in my future, I am grateful for his courage.

I wanted to write this as a record of what a poly break-up can feel like. I want to help people who are going through it, or who are afraid to put their hearts on the line. If anything, this made me realize that while there is the risk of getting hurt, I feel it is less risky than when one is completely single. It is definitely worth the hurt, finding love like he and I share(d), its amazing.

Tonberry 05-03-2012 02:54 PM

My first poly breakup was really harsh. I broke up with my husband a yeah and a half ago, and following it my boyfriend also broke up with me. (first because breaking up with my husband was making it harder for my boyfriend and me to be together, second because he felt he couldn't trust me now that I had broken up with one of my partners, and that I might do the same to him.)
Ultimately things between my boyfriend and me got fixed, and he supported me through the rest of the breakup, and to some extent the breakup is still going on since we no closer to being divorced despite all the lawyers I've talked to so far.

What I can tell you is that being rejected is a bit easier when you have other partners. You can't think it's you who are not attractive enough or unlovable something, since you already have one or more partner(s). That definitely helps.

My first poly breakup was also my first breakup (I never had any serious relationships before) so I can't compare, but it was devastating for sure. I'm glad I had the support of my boyfriend (past the first reaction, he was extremely supportive) and that of a few friends. I still miss the ones I lost in the process though :(

IrisAwakened 05-05-2012 12:04 PM

Thank you for your support, Tonberry. All break-ups are difficult, no matter which part you played. Splitting up a partnership is sad because it finalizes things you might have been thinking or completely surprises you by doing so. I am sorry for you loss of partner.

My ex-beau emailed me telling me how difficult it has been for him. Just a simple email sent out to let me know that it wasn't an easy decision and neither is the recoil. Of course this made me smile. How sick is that? I hate that I can be so giddy when he is clearly hurting. I guess it just makes me feel loved and missed. I still think he made the right decision, but dang, I miss him! Today I am feeling sorry for my earlier giddiness, I am feeling for him this morning. I can understand how tough it is for him, how much he might wish he could take it back in a moment of weakness. I want to be there for him, but that would probably be counterproductive.

shannitablinki 05-23-2013 09:46 PM

I was with my bf for 3 years, we broke up a month ago and I could not do anything but think of him, I tried to get on with my life but we did everything as a couple.. He was amazing to me, we laughed together, we watched the same program on try and we liked pretty much the same things.. We didnít split up because we didnít love each other, we split up because my parents lived in a different country and i could not find a job where he lived to stay with him.. Worse thing of it all is that we are both madly in love with each other but canít be together but at last i did tried a spell caster dr.marnish@yahoo. com and he did a wonderful thing for me which my mouth can not speak and i am the happiest girl on earth now, i and my bf will be getting married next week, this is absolute miraculous that i and my lover are back again

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