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-   -   Rowan's story (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23422)

Rowan 05-02-2012 11:42 PM

Rowan's story
Well, I''m guessing you will need a little back story on me to truly understand anything I post here. =)

Without posting anything that will "trigger" someone, my childhood was immersed with molestestion by each of my mother's husbands. From about age 4 until I moved out at 18. While it took a lot of therapy to move on with my life and become the extra special person that I am today, I believe I've got a healthy mind set. It's also why it took so long to actually hear what my husband wanted.

My husband has tried off and on to tell me that he feels the need for more. He finally was able to say it in a way that I listened with my heart and not my mind and we opened our marriage in February of this year.

He's known since we first got serious that I can't stand a "cheater", that lying behind my back has no dignity or love in it at all and it will cause me to just walk away and never look back. It touched me greatly that the most important thing to him was that I understood that he is completely happy with me and our life together, so much so that he would continue to go without and deny the side of him that he is lacking.

I'm not saying there hasn't been moments of jealosy on my part ... but we've talked them through. I'm mostly in a good place around all of this.

I do have some friends who live a poly life style. One in particular (D) that has been a dear friend to me for years now. Even knowing that I wouldn't/couldn't sleep with him, D's been a friend to me when others have proven false. So, when this all came down with my husband, D was the first I confided in, making it clear that all I wanted was a friend at this point.

D and I have started hanging out more, always at his house with his two daughters. While D and his wife have been poly before, they recently decided to close the marriage and focus on each other. I respect that and have all intentions of honoring this decision they have made. D has other ideas and while he assured me that he would put a stop to it long before we crossed any lines he's not allowed to cross. He and I exchanged a naked massage and during the course of it, he attempted to cross the line. When I asked him if he had permission, he reluctantly admitted that he didn't.

Since then, I've pulled back and haven't gone over to his house. He's refusing to hang out with me on the weekends. He always has plans. Mind you, his wife works nights during the week and weekends he's not as free as he is when she's at work.

I hate to think that years of friendship are going down the toilet because I believe that his marriage is more important than sex. However, I'm feeling this is the case and it breaks my heart.

Since hubby and I have opened our marriage, I have found a few potential playmates, however every last one of them is cheating on their wife. They aren't ashamed to admit it and while I'm doing my best to *not* judge them, I have to know why they are willing to risk everything on a stranger. I get the need for having others in our lives that we can care about, be open with and trust with our most intimate wants and desires.

So, am I the only person that is turned off by the potential drama of the spouse finding out? Am I the only one that thinks if he's willing to cheat on his wife, how in the world can I trust anything he says to me, a stranger? Am I really that much of an idealist that I believe honor and loyalty applies to your whole life and wants no part of a false person?

Or am I just demanding way too much of folks?

While I ask these questions, please understand that I can't change this about myself and while I am looking for a kindred soul or two, validation can't change this aspect of me. Anyone who knows me, knows I have a "rule" book on my behavior and being accused of being hypocritical isn't one of them. Granted, I'm much harder on myself than I am on others ... I'm told it's still a pain to deal with. =)

Maybe it's just the area I live in, with their morals and preconcieved ideas of what love should be.

And I've seen it both sides. Hubby and I talk and while he's been with two "friends"; both have dumped him after sex. The first was a woman he befriended when she was going through her divorce well before our marriage opened up. I've met her and tried to be her friend, but it was clear from the beginning that while she would be happy to spend time with me and him; she really wanted to spend time with him. That was ok, as I didn't see her as "my" friend, but someone my husband cared for. She slept with him and then acted like she disappeared off the face of the earth. She still texts him from time to time and mostly I'm just glad she's not hanging around all the time. She's a bit of a user. (This was the one I actually got jealous over). The other one he's been with actually was cheating on her boyfriend, initiated the sex and then tried to treat him like some kind of pervert afterwards.

So, maybe being around some "sane" people will help me find a home in this world. I realize that I may be asking a lot, but it's still a dream.

Thanks for reading this!

km34 05-03-2012 01:05 AM


Originally Posted by Rowan (Post 134712)
So, am I the only person that is turned off by the potential drama of the spouse finding out? Am I the only one that thinks if he's willing to cheat on his wife, how in the world can I trust anything he says to me, a stranger? Am I really that much of an idealist that I believe honor and loyalty applies to your whole life and wants no part of a false person?

Or am I just demanding way too much of folks?

No, you are definitely not alone! I will NOT do ANYTHING with someone whose significant other doesn't know - that includes girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or anyone else that is committed to the person I'm interacting with.

I agree that if they lie to their wives, they'll lie to you. Hence my refusal to associate with cheaters.

Demanding honesty is not too much. I've never been cheated on or cheated, but I have been around people who have been on both sides of it and it never ends well. Being a part of it is just asking for trouble.

For the record, I think it's really sad that your friend tried to get away with something that he knew wasn't right with you. :( People do make mistakes, though, and it may be that he has other issues that made him err in that instance. I would try to save the friendship, but avoid sexual (or possibly sexual) situations from now on.

Jade 05-03-2012 03:55 AM

Ummm, I hate to say it, but if you're trying to respect a no-sex boundary, participating in a naked massage is probably not a good way to convey that.

Rowan 05-04-2012 12:14 AM

Jade - I'll be the first to admit that I don't always make the wisest decisions. Thankfully, my hubby understands me and allows me to be honest woth him even when I make a bad judgement. :-)

I will admit that we played with fire. My disappointment was in D's assurance that we would never cross the line and then I had to be the adult. I'm still friends with D, and we have discussed this. D is disappointed that I wont hang out with him when his wife is gone, but je understands that I need that security right now

As for the others I've met, I am holding my line of not being "the mistress". I have permission nd dont have to hide, if nothing else I owe it to myself to have an open relationship amd not hide and participate in the lie others are choosing.

For me, its the right decision. I appreciate knowing I'm not the only one as it means that I have folks whonwill understand me ;)

Rowan 08-25-2012 10:05 PM

Hi all, sorry it's been so long. Been a tad bit crazy in my life. Some good, some bad; overall ... just life.

My husband feels like this will not work. He's mentioned twice now that he wants to close our marriage and just be with each other. This isn't healthy because my husband will not get himself any type of friend.

He's tried so hard to make friends. He's very shy and when he finally does put himself out there, they either make it very clear that as long as he pays, they'll hang out with him. He's gotten burned by a few and that has made him really reluctant to even try to meet new folks.

My situation is simple. I've taken this time to really figure out what I want. Yes, I do find other men attractive and at times I've wanted more than friendship, but for me I'm going to stay mono for now. I'm not ruling out my poly side, but frankly there just isn't a man out there that I care about more than my husband and I refuse to settle for less. I'm ok with his need to find a friend and he's proven to me that he's dedicated to making our marriage work before any friendship he may have.

However, his inability to find any woman that will be his friend has made him want to close this down and I can't allow that. If we close the marriage I will probably never want to open it again; and I know his wants aren't this fleeting. So, we've decided to "take a break".

This last "betrayal" if you will was the worst. She and he used to work together years ago, before he and I met. They had lost touch just before we got married and he found her a couple of months ago. They used to have a good friendship. Shortly after they renewed their friendship (no sex, just friends) she was fired from her job. She stated she was going to take the opportunity to go back to school, get a degree and a career. She borrowed some money from him while she was waiting on her unemployment (single parents are always my soft spot). No biggie and we didn't demand that she pay it back before she was able. However, right after she borrowed the money she became too busy to even respond to a text for about two weeks. When he was able to talk to her, her Mom had turned really sick and eventually passed away. Then she started asking him to meet her at the bar. He did once, but quickly found out it was just to pay the babysitter and the bar tab. So, she texted him about a week ago, needing money.

Lesson learned, even "old" friends can burn you. The sad part about all of this is that my husband seriously is hurt by this. He feels rejected, and honestly doesn't want to stick his toe out the door anymore.

I love him, but even I know the value of friends in our lives. They keep us laughing when times get too serious.

Amazingly, I love him more today than I did when we met and I can't picture my life without him.

(sorry for the ramble - needed to get this off my chest)

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