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-   -   Attracting monogamists (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2341)

korindino 03-18-2010 04:57 AM

Attracting monogamists
 
I'm sensing a phenomenon lately, and I wondered if this had happened to anyone else.

About a week ago, I finally got around to changing my relationship status on all my various networking sites. On my OkCupid account, I added a short disclaimer about my views on poly and my place in a poly relationship.

Since then I've been bombarded with messages, especially from guys who ask me about being poly, and mention that they're mono and definitely could never do the poly thing. One guy even had a line in his profile about how he was "completely monogamous." I talk to them, explain to them why I'm poly, let them know that I'm happy where I am. I encourage questions. I don't intend to "convert" anyone to poly--I really don't care that much. They don't seem to want to convert anyway.

But despite all this, I've been asked out on dates by several of these guys, and find myself being pursued in a way that doesn't seem completely platonic.

Do these people think they can turn me mono again? That I'll like them so much that I forget how much I love my boyfriend and care about the girl I'm courting? I can't believe they actually would...

Anyone else have this happen to them? I just find it strange.

MonoVCPHG 03-18-2010 05:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by korindino (Post 24361)

Anyone else have this happen to them? I just find it strange.

Although this doesn't happen to me I would say you pose an interesting challenge to these men....kinda like a virgin LOL! Best to stay clear if they are saying they could never be with a poly person. Thanks for sharing this :)

geminigirl 03-18-2010 09:16 AM

"Anyone else have this happen to them? I just find it strange."

Yeah, I have. A cynical person would say they want sex. :P

The reflective person in me says you're embodying a fantasy they wish they could participate in but don't have the courage or desire to enact. I used to spend a lot of time online talking to fetishists who had the same issue ("my wife doesn't understand.. you're wonderful and open.. but I'd never leave her, though..")

My advice is to take it as a compliment to your attractiveness as a sexually aware and liberated woman, to politely decline, and to move on. There are a lot of wonderful poly men out there who'll love you for who you are instead of who they idealize you to be.

MonoVCPHG 03-18-2010 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geminigirl (Post 24367)

Yeah, I have. A cynical person would say they want sex. :P

There are a lot of wonderful poly men out there who'll love you for who you are instead of who they idealize you to be.


;)

Agreed!

idealist 03-18-2010 01:48 PM

Did you Know?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 24362)
...... Best to stay clear if they are saying they could never be with a poly person. Thanks for sharing this :)

Mono- did you know for sure that you could be with a poly person before you met Redpepper? Were you saying "I could be with a poly person" ? Just wondering!! Thanks !!

GroundedSpirit 03-18-2010 02:48 PM

Uh huh
 
Yea, I'm inclined to agree with those who point to sex. It's a "little or no commitment" attraction - YOU are poly - so in contrast to their usual pursuits of mono mates - you offer the "what's good for the gander is good for the goose" option. Remember how little most of the population understands about poly concepts. For most when they hear it it just means lots of sex partners. And in a world of sound bite mentality - few will bother to research !

:)

GS

MonoVCPHG 03-18-2010 02:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by idealist (Post 24370)
Mono- did you know for sure that you could be with a poly person before you met Redpepper? Were you saying "I could be with a poly person" ? Just wondering!! Thanks !!

Certainly not LOL! I didn't even know what poly was before meeting Redpepper. The idea of poly actually got harder to as my love for her deepened.

The only thing I really know is that I can be with her and she has a husband. That's all I know for sure....that and the fact that I ma completely in love with her :)

SourGirl 03-18-2010 08:36 PM

I am on that site as well.


Plenty of 'monogamous' men/women claiming they can`t deal with the poly lifestyle, but still saying they find us 'interesting' and wanting to go out.


It all boils down to sex. Many of them equate poly with being a swinger. Even if you give them literature, and correct them. In their eyes, you are outside the norm, and kinky, and saying it`s more relationship oriented, only makes us sound to them, like we protest to much.

..and while eventually, they want/desire Mrs.Right, they are not oppose to Mrs.Right-Now.

In fact, I have even heard a few state, that they worry less about sexual disease, with someone who identifies as Poly. Making the chase more intriguing, not less.

To each their own, I guess. I rid myself of those types quickly, and kindly. One can only educate those who truly wish to receive it.

ImaginaryIllusion 03-18-2010 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geminigirl (Post 24367)
"Anyone else have this happen to them? I just find it strange."

Yeah, I have. A cynical person would say they want sex. :P

Sometimes the cynical is still close to the mark.

Having seen some messages men send women on those sites in general, never mind poly being mentioned or not...it's not hard to see why some women may come to the conclusion that men are just a bunch of horndogs with barely enough mental capacity to string together a sentence of more than 5 words...and roughly the same vocabulary... usually starting with "Hi, do you wanna..."
Embarrassing.

Seems mentioning poly seems to be a "come get yer sex" beacon to the dim witted. It's not like they get the difference.
Quote:

Originally Posted by Superjast (Post 24412)
Many of them equate poly with being a swinger.


GroundedSpirit 03-18-2010 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion (Post 24413)
with barely enough mental capacity to string together a sentence of more than 5 words...and roughly the same vocabulary...

5 words ????????? !!!!!!!!!!!
Hell - you're getting the cream of the crop !
Have to let you consult with us on our profile ! :)

GS


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