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-   -   compromising. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23383)

insanity 05-01-2012 05:02 AM

What is compromising in a poly relationship to you?
What are the limits? where you won't compromise?

redpepper 05-01-2012 05:42 AM

Mono and I know compromise all to well. We have based most of our relationship on compromise. Not so much now as we are looking at boundaries finally, but there was a time when the space between what I felt I could agree to and what he felt he could agree to was so large that both of us were hurting.

I ended up compromising who I am so that he would feel safe in my love for him. He needed me to be dedicated to what we had together with my family in a way that he understood it from his mainstream monogamous perspecitve. He needed me to not make changes by dating and having sex with others, so I compromised and said I would agree to no sex with others. He agreed to work on being okay with my having emotional connections with others.

The pain of being emotionally connected and not being able to act on it was very hard for me. It was painful, sad and I was frustrated and angry. I stayed the course though and learned not only how to live in those emotions and still be okay, but I learned how important integrity is to me. He learned how far I would go to love him and have him in my life. He trusts far more than I ever thought he would.

Compromises suck. Boundariy agreements feel much easier as there is no gap to deal with, just a line. Rules are one sided and enforced by another who thinks they have control over the situation or other people. That's how I see it anyway.

NovemberRain 05-01-2012 05:48 AM

I haven't been doing this poly thing for very long. But I realized I'm never giving up FirstBoyfriend, as long as he's interested in continuing this. [that was a heckuva revelation to me!]

Compromise? I've been working at not talking to each about the other as much as I want to. When I was with CurrentBoyfriend and FirstBF was our dear friend, I talked freely to them both about anything. I tread more carefully now that I'm having sex with both of them. I hope that's because it's new. I can tell though, that neither wants to step on my expression, but they're tender about it. And I have no need to irritate their tender spots.

Compromise. There are so many things I used to insist upon; things I thought I couldn't live without, and things I thought somebody who was with me should do. I've let go of so much of that. (I'm sorry, I know that's very vague). I'll try for specifics. Both of them are complete and utter slobs. Amazingly, they are slobs in different sorts of ways, mostly (they share a few). I was absolutely insane because of that when I was living with CBF. Now that he has his own place, I don't give a crap. If his house is dirty, I can go home. Or he can visit me in my house. I used to always get sick when FBF would feed me (my skin crawls at the mere thought of his kitchen). I did feed me eggs for breakfast on Sunday, and I was fine. I watched him do the dishes. It was fascinating. It was so not the way that I do dishes. And I held my tongue. Not my job. I think if CBF did not have a dishwasher, I might not eat at his house. :9
Now that could be down to living different places. But I have no goal, no endgame; I'm not 'dating with intent to couple and marry.' I'm in loving relationships with two men. So I don't have to care that they're slobs.

Oh I'm fairly certain that's not what you were looking for. But I appreciate the questions ~ they gave me a good think. :D

insanity 05-01-2012 06:22 AM

Thank you both :)

RedPepper, so you don't have sex with your other partners?

I had a weird talk yesterday with my boyfriend... he was saying something about compromising about feelings. I don't feel good about that.. I don't want to/can't/not willing to/etc.. to do something to get rid of my feelings to that girl that I fell in love with. I honestly think it is too much to ask.
It makes me feel like a horrible, horrible monster.
There are other things I compromise on, but it seems like he doesn't seem to care..

nycindie 05-01-2012 06:29 AM

I think compromise is important in any relationship, mono or poly. To me, it means that people start out on opposite sides of an issue and then each gives a little bit, and gives up a little bit, in order to meet in the middle.

I also think it's important not to hold onto grudges about what one gives up in compromises. Each party has to get on board with it all, as if it was their own idea and desire to give up what they did, in order to be happy. That also means don't give up something that will make you resentful for not having it. You have to embrace the compromise and own it fully in order to connect and move forward. We should not live in the past. Life is too short to hold onto resentments and relationships are not about keeping score. No one should be throwing it in anyone's face what they gave up and compromised on.

insanity 05-01-2012 07:52 AM

where would you draw the line?

nycindie 05-01-2012 10:06 AM


Originally Posted by insanity (Post 134517)
where would you draw the line?

How can anyone else possibly answer that? We don't know what your issue is that you're trying to negotiate on, and no one here knows what makes you feel happy and good. We're not... you.

insanity 05-01-2012 10:14 AM

I'm just asking how it works for other people...

Tonberry 05-01-2012 01:41 PM


Originally Posted by insanity (Post 134526)
I'm just asking how it works for other people...

On a case by case basis, really. I can't tell you where I draw the line before I see the rest of the picture.

CielDuMatin 05-01-2012 04:14 PM

There are two ways that a possible compromise rears its head - one is at the start of a relationship configuration, when everyone is working out what everyone's respective needs are, and the other are the day-to-day things.

For the first one, instead of repeating it, I'll refer you to a blog post I did a while back on how we did it. Here it is: "Getting Your Priorities Straight"

In terms of the day-to-day stuff, we each made a commitment to try to work to the greater good - and that means being willing to be flexible on things when one person is in exceptional need.

Understanding where YOU draw the line is very, very important.

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