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-   -   How to introduce a new person into a relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23371)

tkpnoir1101 04-30-2012 04:02 PM

How to introduce a new person into a relationship
 
Hello. I have recently joined the community an am looking for some helpful advice. I have been with my husband for over 6 years and married 6 months. I have always believed in the ability to love more than one person, and we both didn't mind an open sexual relationship, we have openly talked about both since we started dating.

While we have had several sessions of an open sexual relationship, up until recently I hadn't actually met anyone that I wanted another emotional relationship with. We recently had another 'open play' experience where either both of us or just one of us will be sexually interested in someone else. I reconnected with a friend that I had not seen in a few years but always talked to and was attracted too, so I choose him to be my partner for that time. He knows about my relationship with my husband, my views on love and agrees with it. After spending some time with him over a few months' period I realized that I was starting to feel for him what I felt for my husband. I talked with him about this and told him that I would talk to my husband too. He agreed and said that whatever my husband decided he would listen to.

Communication has always been our first rule in our relationship, so when I realized this I immediately but gently tried to talk to my husband about it. He was upset/angry about it and would talk about how I was enough for him emotionally. How he could handle me sleeping with my friend but didn't want me to have any romantic attachment to him. Honestly I was a little surprised by his reaction. He has known since we started dating that I believed in this and had talked about it several times throughout our relationship. He brings up the fact that I've never mentioned liking anyone before so he thought that I didn't really believe in it anymore. My only response it that honestly I hadn't met anyone who had made me feel like I could love them (other than him of course) until now.

We are talking more about it, and he has agreed to meet and talk to my friend. He is still upset by the idea of me romantically involved, but I feel like I would be going against myself if I didn't try for it.

Am I wrong to keep pushing this? If he hadn't known, if we had never talked about it then I wouldn't be. But I feel the connection with my friend as strongly as I felt it when I first met my husband.

So honestly I am kind of at a loss of where to go from here.

AnnabelMore 04-30-2012 05:34 PM

You're not wrong to ask for what you want, even if it's hard for your partner to hear. There's no way to predict where it will go from here. You've done everything right by being honest and talking to him before pursuing a relationship. And while anger is a common reaction, not only had you talked to him about this previously, but surely he must be aware that sex can be a bonding experience and that feelings are always a possibility? But that's beside the point really, the question now is what comes next. It's great that he's willing to meet your friend. Maybe he'll get used to the idea. Maybe he'll just get more opposed to it. Taking things slow, being direct but not demanding, giving him time, and doing reading together may help. www.morethantwo.com has some great essays.

Good luck!!

nycindie 04-30-2012 05:42 PM

Well, you've been honest from the start, but I wouldn't exactly "push" him. I think you just need to gently nudge him... and keep talking.

I would ask him what he is afraid of and do you best to answer those fears. Usually people think that loving someone else will take love away from them. Make sure hubs knows that your feelings for him haven't changed. I think it would also be a good idea to bring up love as limitless and the opposite of possessing or laying claim to someone or just certain aspects of them. I agree that it would be great to read some poly material together. You can also ask him to come here and post his concerns.

CherryBlossomGirl 05-01-2012 01:38 AM

NRE and Primary Relationships.
 
It sounds like your husband is expressing some real concerns (and possibly fears) there. It can be challenging to really understand and have compassion for a reluctant partner when you aren't standing in their shoes. You love him, and share a life with him; you also have strong feelings for, and share a real connection with your lover. Holding all that love in your heart is a wonderful thing, and it can feel strange or confusing to not have your partner be as excited about it as you are.

Purely from my perspective, I think that when you come up against someone else's limitations or fears, that it's important to take some time/space from a secondary relationship and really address them. While you feel love for your new partner, it's a different connection than the one that you share with your husband, and it might be more important that you think it is to make sure that your husband knows that. I'm talking date nights, great sex, romance and fun - let that NRE spill back into your relationship with your husband and strengthen that connection. Find out what he needs to feel great about your new relationship; process, communicate, talk, fight, txt, chat, drive around with coffees and process some more. The more you invest in making sure your primary relationship is in a great place the healthier it will be.

NRE is a tricky one to navigate, and it's super important to take care of our primary partnerships and other relationships in the midst of it. When I've been the hinge in a vee before I try to remember that I'm having a TON of fun, and that it's really important that I'm sensitive and gracious about that experience.

I think it's awesome that you've found two people to love, and that you're looking for ways to make sure that you are doing what you need to keep your relationships healthy. Keep reading, posting and communicating!!

tkpnoir1101 05-01-2012 02:51 PM

Thank you all for you input. My husband and I are talking more. I am only talking to my friend during this time, not seeing him.

I don't feel that the NRE has left my primary relationship. We still will have spontaneous date nights, we cook dinner together all the time. The sex is awesome and we still do it like teenagers (sneaking around, public places etc.) just for the fun of it. We will spend nights awake just talking about random things. Everyday we compliment each other. But we also have our personal alone time from each other, which we feel is important as well. Honestly our relationship is almost exactly like when we first started dating, with the exception of knowing each others likes/ticks.

I've asked him to go through the MoreThanTwo website and pick things that he feels are important for us to discuss. We're talking it over tonight. After reading it myself I can understand more about his standpoint, so hopefully he can get a little more perspective on mine as well.


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