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-   -   Getting to the end of the noose (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23319)

Ameyuri 04-27-2012 07:51 PM

Getting to the end of the noose
 
I'm not sure where else to go for advice. I feel horribly confused and really hurt.

The story:
My boyfriend and I decided a few months ago to try out poly relationships, because he know's I'm much more attracted to the ladies then to men. Well things didn't really work out well in the two cases of me dating women I've had so far. And now he's exploring HIS sexuality, okay that's cool, you can experiment. I encouraged it, but thought nothing of it. Thought it's just a weird phase (I still do). Well, he started seeing this guy recently and I was sort of okay with it, except when he's over stepped the boundaries we'd both agreed upon. Then after this incident, he actually got together with him. I'm a little jealous, yes, however I don't even know who this guy he's with really is. And that's something I really want in a relationship that's poly, otherwise it can lead to "mommy-daddy" games, or lies and he said she said nonsense.

He basically told me that he's spending a week with his new boyfriend for a week, without consulting me. I'm currently moving in/trying to get a new job/having major stress, and he know's I'm trying to work with him about this. He knows this is hard for me. I'm still willing to let him stay over there for a few days, but right now I need him. I am his main relationship, should this make a difference as to where he can stay and when, since he's with another person?

AnnabelMore 04-27-2012 08:28 PM

Ok, first off how can you, as a bisexual woman, call his interest in men "a weird phase"??? That's just so dismissive, I don't even get it.

That said. What was the boundary he transgressed? And when he slept with his new guy, did he have your ok on that?

It is perfectly reasonable to ask to meet and get to know his new bf, ideally before they get more serious. Is he open to a coffee date for the three of you?

It is also perfectly reasonable to ask him to not go off the deep end into NRE by devoting a full week to the new guy while you need his help. In fact, that's pretty thoughtless of him. There Is nothing wrong with taking it slow and respecting your existing relationship(s) even as you're establishing a new one. He "can" do whatever he wants but that doesn't mean he should if he cares about your feelings. Tell him how you feel, tell him you think this is too much too fast, and ask him to slow down. If he won't, ask him why the heck not.

ThatGirlInGray 04-27-2012 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ameyuri (Post 134176)
My boyfriend and I decided a few months ago to try out poly relationships

combined with
Quote:

I'm currently moving in/trying to get a new job/having major stress
says to me that you guys timed your decision to try poly poorly. Even in the best of circumstances, having multiple relationships increases the time and attention one has to give and generally increases the stress factor too, especially at the beginning.

So unless the moving in/trying to get a new job/major stress is fairly new and came up AFTER the decision to try poly, I'm left wondering if you're (consciously or not) okay when you're the one with multiple partners but less okay when the shoe is on the other foot. You say you were "sort of" okay with it until the transgression, and that this is hard for you. Is it possible you're jealous less of him/his time and more the fact that he's dating someone and you're not, particularly if the agreement to try poly was fueled by you wanting to date women also?

Wanting to meet someone he's seeing is reasonable, especially if this is someone he wants to spend a week with (which DOES seem a little excessive). But you being his "main" relationship isn't the strongest justification, unless that's something the two of you agreed to as part of your experiment. A significant number of poly people don't have "main" and "other" relationships. They just have multiple relationships. Now, if you two live together, share bills, chores, etc., that adds a layer of, "You're staying somewhere else and barely even informing me? Seriously??" but we don't know how entangled you two are so it's tough to make that determination.

Hopefully you two can improve your communication and expressing your wants and expectations, since it sounds like it's the dissimilar expectations that are the biggest hurdle at the moment. I agree with Annabel that a big-time slow down may be in order, at least until communication between the two of you has improved and some of the external stresses are dealt with.

nycindie 04-28-2012 12:22 AM

Hmmm. There seems to be a bit of imbalance in your thinking here, if I understand you correctly.

You want your boyfriend to accept that you have attractions to women, yet view his bisexuality as an "experiment" and "weird phase." I agree with AnnabelMore that this is very dismissive, not to mention unfair. If I were him, I would be offended. He starts seeing a guy he likes and you are only "sort of okay with it." Why do you judge him that way?

You say "this is hard for me." What, exactly, is hard for you? Are you sure it isn't that you're bitter because your dates with women haven't worked out and now you want to hold him back from finding happiness with other relationships until you do? Like, you have to be the first?

It does come across like you want to be able to have your dates and relationships and play around if you want to, but you don't want him to have the same freedoms.

As far as him consulting you before deciding to stay for a week with his male lover, is that an agreement you had between you - to request permission? Would you clear it with him first before seeing someone else or staying with them? Why do you need him to stay home while you are stressed out? What are your expectations from him that you think his staying with his bf will impede? Just asking questions to prompt some further thinking on it. You might start to unravel some of your discomfort with the situation with a little examination of your thoughts and feelings on it.

I do think it is reasonable to want to meet and get to know the guy he's become involved with, but it doesn't always happen beforehand in every poly situation, and the tone of your post makes me wonder if you would get kinda bitchy when you meet the guy. I don't think you have as compassionate attitude about this as you could have, and I wonder if the current stress in your life is coloring your views of the situation and making you see his actions much more harshly than is necessary.

And yes, I was also wondering what that boundary was that he crossed. Do you mind sharing that? It might give us more insight to be able to help more.


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