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-   -   Happy togehter but... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23280)

Mozzi 04-26-2012 09:34 AM

Happy togehter but...
Hi everyone! My name is Uwe and i' m from Germany.
I'm in a poly relationship, we live togehter since september.
Our story started one year ago. I met a wonderful man and we started to date.
After some month (almost 6)he said to me he was married, and that they were looking for a girlfriend. I was shocked but i agreed to met her because i dident want lo lose him. I started to go out with them but i was so jelaous and i suffered a lot seeing them together so i left.
Although she was lovely.
After some time i started to miss him too much so i called him and we 3 met dor dinner. And surprise: i wasn' t jelauos at all!
We started to date again and now we live together since september.

I love them both and we have so much fun!
So where is the problem? Well...i'm tired to be considered a poor lonely girl who always hangs out with a couple

I hate being considered as the thirth party! I hate that i can't even touch him when we are in our city, Not kissing her when she comes home....
Is that strange? I'm strange???

Mozzi 04-26-2012 09:41 AM

Sorry i wanted to say: i love them both, we have so much fun together :)
The only problem is that i hate to hide, people always think ai a poor single who hangs out with a couple!

CielDuMatin 04-26-2012 12:58 PM

Uwe, ein herzlichen willkommen bei polyamory.com! :)

I am very happy for you that you have found some people to love and be loved by. The concept of "hiding" things is one that is quite common in the poly community - there are a lot of us who have to hide aspects of our relationships from family, friends, and work, not because we are ashamed, but because of the way we would be viewed and judged negatively.

The most important thing is that we don't hide from each other within the relationship. This way we at least have a "safe space" where we can relax and be free.

One of the reasons that a lot of people enjoy going to local poly meetings is that they can extend the "safe space" to a larger group - these are people who are completely happy with the idea that you have multiple people who you love, and aren't afraid to show it - you don't have to hide.

I can understand little bit about the way you need to be when out in public in your city, but why should you not kiss her when she comes home? isn't your home a "safe space" where you can be yourself and enjoy the relationship to its fullest? What is stopping you from doing this?

nycindie 04-26-2012 09:10 PM

Are you sexually and romantically involved with both of them, or just him?

Why not have other relationships besides the couple? If you found someone who wasn't part of a couple, then you could be free to be publicly affectionate with that person and perhaps the secrecy you have to maintain with them won't hurt so much.

Phy 04-26-2012 09:31 PM


Originally Posted by Mozzi (Post 133978)
Hi everyone! My name is Uwe and i' m from Germany.

So where is the problem? Well...i'm tired to be considered a poor lonely girl who always hangs out with a couple

Hey Uwe, welcome.

Maybe it got lost in translation, but I am confused. There is no way that a girl would be named Uwe in Germany. Do you see yourself in the shoes of a unicorn and therefore consider your place in their life as some kind of substitue girl or what is this about? Because I don't get the above quote in the slightest.

AnnabelMore 04-26-2012 10:20 PM

Being in the closet is usually emotionally and psychologically unhealthy. No one should have to feel like someone else's secret. And I imagine it's especially hard for you because they get to be publicly affectionate while you can't. Whose decision was it that openness is not allowed? Any chance that could change down the line?

I second the fact that another option is to find another partner in addition to these two, one you CAN be open about. But tell that person up front about your other partners... in all honesty it was really shitty of your boyfriend to hide things from you at the start.

Mozzi 04-27-2012 08:11 AM

Thank to all who have answered.
I think i wasn't really clear :) sorry for my bad english :)
Anyway....i love him deeply, i love her, i don't want to be whit anyone else!
We are like a family, yes we have sex with oder persons but...always together, we decided everything .
We have to hide this situation only in our (small) town and in front of our families, our friends now about us.
The fact is: i cant for excample be whth them at christmas :( and so on....
Do you think there ever be a chance that people would acept this?

DarayTala 04-27-2012 08:49 AM

I definitely think there is a chance that people would accept your relationship. I've been polyamorous with my fiance for almost five years now. At the moment we are also involved with two others. I've been upfront with my family from the start, and while they initially reacted badly, through honestly and communication they have become accepting of my choice and embrace having all my partners over for family functions. Lady, one of my other partners, has also been honest with her family from the start. They thought the lifestyle odd, but again respected her choice and also are happy with having all of us around for family time. My fiance on the other hand did not feel the need to tell his family about our lifestyle choice, although as we approach our wedding he has begun to let them know that we have a less than tradition relationship. They do not know the details, but they have seen how he has been happy through his years of relationship with me, and that is enough for them. Nova, my other partner, has faced a lot of controversy with his family because they are very traditional. They accepted he was in a poly relationship, but when they found out I was engaged they were upset because they saw it as violating the sanctity of marriage. They have since been both supportive and upset about it in turn. For example, his teenage brother is not allowed to spend any time around us because they believe the lifestyle is a bad influence, and they blame any relationship issues we have had on the poly lifestyle, even when they have had nothing to do with it. But they have also told him that he can make his own choices, and they are happy with whatever makes him happy. In regards to our family and community, some have expressed that they don't understand or agree with our lifestyle, but all have been supportive none-the-less.

Honestly, I think the real key in garnering the support of family and friends is based in being completely honest and upfront when it is appropriate, and by acting natural. If you act like it is okay to kiss your partners in public, or hold their hands, and everyone sees that you all are happy, very few will really feel that it is their place to interfere. If you are questioned about it, just be honest, it makes all of you happy and you all know what goes on and are content with it. While some people might speak against you for it, I believe in the long run that those who care about you will value your happiness more. Those who are not close to you have no right to speak against your private life to begin with, so act naturally with your partners and people will likely just act as though everything is okay as well.

redpepper 04-28-2012 06:12 AM

There are many of us here that live openly and are accepted. I live with my two men and we are openly out to most of the people in our lives. Maybe its time to come out if you are so sad about it.

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