Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Looking for advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23257)

broncolover11 04-25-2012 06:33 AM

Looking for advice
This will be my first post since introductions awhile back.

My husband and I have met a fantastic woman and have been dating her for about a month until recently she had a major event happen in her life, which in turn caused us some hurt feelings and we decided to end it.

After a couple of weeks and her working on her issues we have reconciled.
My husband and she have quite the chemistry as to where she and I are still finding our way relationship wise. I have issues of sharing my husband, her not wanting a relationship with me, jealousy, you name it I am sure I am feeling it.

Just this past weekend I asked that she move in with us as there is a huge distance between us which was causing some major issues for her as she would be lonely and get depressed. Mind you that we are just now patching up hurt feelings from her mishap previously.

I am totally having an emotional melt down.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and welcomed

Tonberry 04-25-2012 09:17 AM

Not advice, but a lot of hugs. I hope you can work it out, I think communicating and spending time together as well as alone will help (to clarify, when I say together, I mean each pair as well as the three of you, and I don't mean sex specifically).

AnnabelMore 04-25-2012 12:13 PM

What was the major event/mishap? It's ok if you really don't want to say, but we're all strangers here, and it might add helpful context.

A couple of major pieces of advice.

1) Consider the idea of your husband dating this woman separately from you. Just because you and he are a couple doesn't mean that you two should have to be a "package deal", or that another woman should be expected to be equally into you, emotionally or sexually, just because she's into him, even if that was everyone's expectation at the beginning. Similarly, if you and she had more chemistry it would be unfair to predicate your budding relationship on her and him clicking in the same way.

If it happens naturally great, but to require two relationships to blossom for either to continue just ignores the nature of human relationships in my opinion, namely that they ALWAYS develop in different ways at different times. Let it be what it Is and don't try to force anything. This site may have some helpful thoughts: www.morethantwo.com. Especially the sections on jealousy and couple dating.

2) Whether you take my advice on #1 or not, under no circumstances should she move in with you right now. That's something that can MAYBE happen after jealousy and relationship configuration issues have been resolved and everyone Is feeling peaceful and groovy. Living with another person can be stressful, as anyone who's had roommates can attest. When that person is someone with whom you also have a confusing and sometimes painful relationship, on multiple levels... well, it will most likely ruin your ability to feel safe and comfortable at home, which is the one place where you should feel completely safe. It will likely be too much stress and make things fall apart fast.

I know the distance seems hard, but surely she has friends, and could find another lover who lives closer to her if she wanted, right (I assume you guys aren't requiring exclusivity within this new, long distance triad)? Wait at least a year... then, if everything is great, you can safely consider cohabitation.

redpepper 04-26-2012 11:46 PM

Moving her in would exacerbate the problems I think. Bad idea. I never advice anyone to move someone in or move in when their relationships are so new and on the rocks. Its good she is far away as it will give you time to deal with your issues and process. There is no rush here. Most relationships take years to develop. Why rush? There is no ultimate goal anyway, its always change, growth, more stuff to work on. That doesn't end when someone moves in.

Do some research here on "moving in." Look in the tags. Many have tried that and its been more of a rough ride. A tag search for "nre" might be good too.

I also agree. Time to break your triad into a vee and get about finding your own partners to date. All the more reason for her NOT to move in. That a whole new kettle of fish. Ya, slow down and deal with one thing at a time I think.

nycindie 04-27-2012 12:05 AM


Originally Posted by broncolover11 (Post 133820)
I asked that she move in with us...

Now, tell me, seriously -- step back and look at this objectively. Who in their right mind would invite someone they've only been seeing for a month, or not much more than that, to move in with them? Anyone you know ever done that? Have you read any stories here of a situation like that working out? Does it really and truly make sense to you to live with someone you hardly know? And expose her to your children? And while you are having issues of jealousy and not wanting to share your husband, now you are going to share your home?

Come on, now, some common sense goes a long way! It sounds like you are a little bit asleep. You don't really know someone after a month, especially if it's just been sex and dates, and you want her living with you and your children much too soon! Wait at least a year, then you will have had a full year of holidays, birthdays, and significant family events to go through together and see if she's compatible as someone you can live with.


Originally Posted by broncolover11 (Post 133820)
...there is a huge distance between us which was causing some major issues for her as she would be lonely and get depressed.

Do you really think her living with you will be a cure? Her loneliness and depression are not your responsibility. Now you will just have a depressed person in your home environment. Let her take care of her own emotional well-being by seeing a professional or doing what she needs to manage her own life. You and hubs need to make sure your relationship has a strong and healthy foundation, and then look to meet people who also have an emotionally and psychologically healthy foundation within themselves.

You are only inviting problems into your home, it seems to me.

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:34 AM.