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-   -   Taking it all in stride (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23256)

AlaskaUNBOUND 04-25-2012 06:17 AM

Taking it all in stride
I am a Married monogamous man. I have been married for 10 years to my childhood sweetheart. Let me start by saying she has always been poly. We got married young and she changed everything for me. Sadly, it made her miserable. So for the first 9 years of our marriage she played the role that I wanted. This past year I have tried to be more sensitive to her needs. I have agreed to change my expectations and see where it goes. Im supportive of my wife, I love her and try my best to respect her needs. Its not easy for me at all, especially because this doesnt come naturally to me, and it has been a roller coaster. There are times when I appreciate the fact that she has calmed down a bit and seems more balanced, although the contrary is much louder. She acquired a BF 9 months ago. She originally was interested in just Sex, but it has progressed quite a bit in the past 6 months, and she is now in love with both of us. Like I said before, it is something I just have to work towards. She still expresses her love for me, we still have sex. She tries hard and I hold no resentment towards her. Its just the concept of my one only in love with someone else... maybe the gaps will fill in at some point I hope, for both of our sake.

dingedheart 04-25-2012 02:30 PM

Hi, and welcome,

Before you entered into this type of dynamic did either or both of you do any research? ... counseling, etc. ?

What are the gaps you are talking about?

kdt26417 04-25-2012 06:11 PM

Hello Alaska Unbound,
Welcome to our forum.

Polyamory is quite a thing to try to get used to; we're not generally taught to think that way as kids (or as adults either, for that matter). Hang in there though, love is an abundant resource. Your wife still loves you as much as ever, she is just finding herself flooding over with that "extra love supply."

Things will probably get easier little by little over time. Being a member on this website will probably help you a lot; you can get a lot of questions answered (and concerns addressed) here.

Hope you enjoy your stay with us.
Kevin T.

AlaskaUNBOUND 04-26-2012 12:34 AM

We never had any counceling. It's just not for us, we are open and honest with each other. I understand her needs and I support her. But how do I get past my emotions? It is literally head vs heart. My heart loves and accepts but my head wont let me find zen. It's torment at times and other times its fine. How do I make the switch? The easy solution is to stop caring. But I'm not ok with that. I never NEVER will be the back seat husband.

Thanks for the advice!

kdt26417 04-26-2012 03:59 AM


"It's torment at times and other times it's fine. How do I make the switch? The easy solution is to stop caring. But I'm not okay with that."
No, you shouldn't be okay with that. Ceasing to care is seldom a good idea. You know, it's actually a pretty good sign that sometimes it's fine. It's normal to have spells of conflicted feelings, especially in the early stages of a poly relationship. You probably have a lifetime of monogamous conditioning to overcome. You have to be patient with yourself (and with the process).

What you may want to do is some digging into your internal processes to figure out exactly where these tormented thoughts/feelings are coming from. What is it that's causing you to feel this way? If it's her relationship with this other guy, what aspect of that relationship is the most troubling to you?

You'll probably have to ask yourself a lot of questions to get to the bottom of things. But, start with some easy/obvious questions, and go from there.

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