Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   I need some advice... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23197)

sdbielz 04-22-2012 02:16 AM

I need some advice...
 
I am 26, and have only ever been in twosome relationships. Both my girlfriend and I have discussed that an open/poly relationship is very appealing. The difficulty, of course, is jealousy (especially on my part).

I understand that jealousy is the manifestation of irrational preconceptions, and is triggered by insecurity, fear of abandonment and feelings of 'ownership'. Jealousy is basically a cultural brainwash, and I have realized that.

Can any of you polys give me some advise on how to overcome or deal with my jealousy? It seems to be very deeply rooted, and just thinking about my lover with someone else makes me very uncomfortable... and I hate feeling that way over something that I know is irrational.

Thanks.

km34 04-22-2012 02:38 AM

There are all kinds of threads filled with advice on jealousy. Take a look around, read a few, and if they don't give you any ideas maybe post something more specific that could help people give you some personalized advice. :)

Here is a link to a list of threads tagged with "jealousy."

sdbielz 04-22-2012 03:03 AM

I have browsed the threads on jealousy, and haven't found anything personally relevant. I can be more specific about my question I suppose.

I read a book called Sex and God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality by Darrel Ray. He claims that jealousy almost always stems from any or all of the following: insecurity, feelings of ownership, and fear of abandonment.

I have closely examined my feelings, and I have determined that my jealousy stems from insecurity and fear of abandonment. For example, when I imagine her loving someone else I worry that she may be having a better time than when she is with me. What if he is better at sex than me? What if they have more fun while on dates? What if she decides she just wants to be with him, rather than me and him at the same time?

I guess my real question is... does anyone have any advice for how to stop being insecure? What about losing my fear of abandonment?

KyleKat 04-22-2012 03:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdbielz (Post 133451)
I have browsed the threads on jealousy, and haven't found anything personally relevant. I can be more specific about my question I suppose.

I read a book called Sex and God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality by Darrel Ray. He claims that jealousy almost always stems from any or all of the following: insecurity, feelings of ownership, and fear of abandonment.

I have closely examined my feelings, and I have determined that my jealousy stems from insecurity and fear of abandonment. For example, when I imagine her loving someone else I worry that she may be having a better time than when she is with me. What if he is better at sex than me? What if they have more fun while on dates? What if she decides she just wants to be with him, rather than me and him at the same time?

I guess my real question is... does anyone have any advice for how to stop being insecure? What about losing my fear of abandonment?

So what if they are better than you at sex? So what if they have "more fun"? Those are subjective. You can have more fun in some ways or be better at specific things. Stop worrying about the other person. They aren't better or worse. They are different. Variety. An orange isn't a better fruit than an apple.

I had all of these same fears. It isn't jealousy. You're not jealous that he will be better. You're afraid of it. You have to just let it go and stop thinking about it. That's how I got past it. Also, being poly doesn't open up the door for her leaving you for someone else. That door was always open. Monogamous people break up for other people all the time. If she's leaving people for other people like that then she isn't someone you want in your life anyway.

As far as getting rid of jealousy... You can't be jealous if you choose not to be. Realize that it's a silly emotion and that the problem is your insecurity. Distract yourself when you start to get jealous. Eventually it'll fade away. I used to be consumed by jealousy but I realized it had to stop and just gave it up. I have nothing to be jealous over. She isn't my property and I don't control her actions. It's that simple.

km34 04-22-2012 06:56 AM

I agree with Kyle. It's not jealousy: it's fear and insecurity.

How do you get over it? Talk to your partner. Find ways where she can make you feel unique.

What if he's better at sex? Then she's going to be getting some awesome sex.

What if they have more fun on dates? Then the two of you need to step it up and find things that you enjoy doing together so you can have fun too.

What if she decides to be with him instead of you and/or both of you? That is a risk you have to decide is worth taking (or not).

Everybody has something that they are good at. Each relationship has something(s) that is special. You need to figure out WHY your relationship is worth keeping.

Insecurity tends to directly reflect one's sense of self-worth. If you think you're awesome and know you're giving her something she needs (emotionally, physically, etc.) then you're not going to worry about losing her. A fear of abandonment is more difficult. Why do you think you have it? Have you had experiences in your past that make you worry about it? Has she shown you ANY indication that you need to be worried about it?


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:11 AM.