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-   -   Babies (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2318)

redsirenn 03-15-2010 05:46 PM

Had a short discussion last night where O said to me that if I were to get pregnant he doesn't know if he would stick around. I am shocked.

I have had 2 abortions in my life already, and I am now very careful about birthcontrol. I truly believe in a woman's right to choose, and my choice is to never do that again. I just don't know if I would forgive myself at this point, since I know I am fully capable of taking care of a baby.

Now - I REALLY don't want one, I don't know if I want one ever, in fact. But if it were to happen, I would handle it.

I am confused about how I feel, and trying to understand how a man could feel in this situation. I know it must feel like he doesn't have control in the situation (to a point, he could not have sex... then no one would get pregnant).

He mentioned adding condoms to our sex lives. This makes me feel awkward too - One of the benefits of a LTR is no condoms. Then, I would be on birth control and condoms and others just using condoms. I trust condoms WAY less than my birth control, and all of the sudden I feel like they are a higher risk of pregnancy than me, someone who should be trusted. It makes me feel like I've been put in a little cage.

I don't want a baby right now, if ever, I have other things I want to do with my life. He knows this. I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach now, that I have been trying so hard to trust someone that I may not even be able to depend on in one of my life's toughest situations.

CielDuMatin 03-15-2010 06:03 PM

Well, I'm not so sure that it's as important to know how "a man" would feel in that situation, as to know how HE would feel in that situation - have you asked him why he wouldn't stick around under those circumstances? If so, what did he say?

redsirenn 03-15-2010 06:06 PM

Yeah - he said it is because he isn't ready.

The thing is it's not like I am planning on it... Or that I am ready. It's just what if it happened when neither of us were ready?

CielDuMatin 03-15-2010 06:15 PM

So he's saying that he is so unready that if it happened he would leave. Why is that?

NeonKaos 03-15-2010 06:15 PM

Have you thought about having yourself surgically sterilized, for your would-be unwanted kid's sake?

I don't think it's very "nice" for a guy to say that if he made you pregnant, he wouldn't stand by you, but you don't want a kid either, so why would you think HE should? Because you'd be miserable and would want company?

I'm speaking as one of those kids who "just happened" because it was "what everyone does". I think my mother really wanted me, but my father should have thought twice, or five times, because I don't think he really wanted a kid, he just liked being able to say he had a kid. How would you feel if you knew that your parents, especially your mother, didn't want you but you were one of those things that "just happened" so she "dealt with" it? Kids can sense these things.

If you think there is a chance you really DO want a kid but don't feel able to make a conscious decision to have one, I highly recommend finding a partner who is at the very least open to the idea.

redsirenn 03-15-2010 06:28 PM

Well - You have given me some stuff to think about.

I have considered getting surgically sterilized. It just seems so permanent. Until I am older, I don't want to assume that how I feel now, is how I will always feel.

And - it is really more of an issue of feeling that I don't want an abortion again. So, It is really a "i'd deal with it" situation; which isn't fair to a child.

So - one thing to figure out is how to make us both feel safer in the preventative aspect of this.

Another - is figuring out what is going on with him. No - I wouldn't want him to stick around to be miserable. But he knows the risks just as I do. And he didn't say definitively either. It just struck a nerve with me that the response wasn't "oh, I would be supportive". In many cases, that's a load of bullcrap coming from a guy too. At least O thinks about this shit and doesn't give me the response I want to hear - it is really how he feels.

Still - would be nice to feel that the true response was that I could depend on him.

So, I guess there is some thinking to do.


Lemondrop 03-15-2010 06:36 PM

I'm so sorry he said that to you. I think it's definitely worth fishing around a bit to see if he really meant it that way. Did he really mean to tell you that he would take no responsibility if an accident happened? Did he really mean to say that he would leave you with all of the responsibility? Did he mean that he doesn't trust you to take every precaution? Did he mean he would sleep better at night knowing that he had taken steps on his end to make sure he didn't end up a father when he didn't feel ready i.e. condoms? Did he just mean, "I don't know how I would feel, I need to think about it" or even "I can't know for sure until I'm in the situation"?

I know in the course of my marriage, Easy has said some pretty rotten things to me--but after fishing a lot, it turned out that he didn't mean them the way I heard them. Men really do communicate differently than women.


Originally Posted by redsirenn (Post 24137)
...I have considered getting surgically sterilized. It just seems so permanent. Until I am older, I don't want to assume that how I feel now, is how I will always feel...

That seems wise.


Originally Posted by redsirenn (Post 24137)
...And - it is really more of an issue of feeling that I don't want an abortion again. So, It is really a "i'd deal with it" situation; which isn't fair to a child...

Well, I don't want anyone to have a child they're not ready for. But I know some "accidents" that were and are completely loved and happy, including my own daughter. I love her fiercely.

I would also like to point out that adoption is another possibility, with open adoptions being a good compromise. Knowing those options are out there might give you some peace of mind, even if you don't need to utilize them.


Originally Posted by redsirenn (Post 24137)
...Still - would be nice to feel that the true response was that I could depend on him....

I don't think it would hurt to say that to him and see what he says. Of course you want to know if you can depend on him. There are going to be plenty of situations in your life where you want to know if you can depend on him--unplanned pregnancy is not the only crisis you might face. (My son was born sick--three months in the NICU--huge crisis that might have broken up a weaker relationship.)

vandalin 03-15-2010 10:25 PM


Originally Posted by redsirenn (Post 24137)
I have considered getting surgically sterilized. It just seems so permanent.

Here is a thought. I had this problem with a guy I was just seeing many (over 10) years ago. My mom had made a stupid comment while I was on the phone with him about my being "late". You could almost hear his head snap up and his eyes go into "holy shit!" mode. He asked if I was, and since technically it was past the "normal" 28 days I said kinda but not really. He begged me to get a PT after which he said, "I have to go," and hung up. He called back about 20 minutes later telling me he had to run to the bath room cause he thought he was going to vomit! Talk about a negative reaction.

Anyway the point is he admitted to not really ever wanting to have kids and I asked him, why don't you get "fixed" then and solve the problem completely? He was thinking about it. After this conversation I went and looked up a little info on Vasectomies and discovered that THEY ARE REVERSIBLE!

From vasectomy.com:

A vasectomy reversal is a micro-surgical procedure performed by a urologic surgeon to reverse sterility caused by a vasectomy. Statistics tell us that of the half million men who opt for a vasectomy each year, approximately five to ten percent will later elect to look into vasectomy reversal options.

Vasectomy reversal techniques involve reconnecting - in either single or multiple layers - the cut ends of the vas deferens, the small tubes that carry sperm from the man's testicles. The rejoined vas once again becomes a passageway for semen.
So in my opinion, if anyone should be thinking about sterilization, permanent or temporary, it would be the person who under no circumstances wants or can handle a child, ie. the boyfriend.

Maybe you should ask him about that too.

GroundedSpirit 03-16-2010 03:42 PM

Hi RS,

Well - at least this came up before something happened (again?) !
As Ygirl and others have said, I think the sterilization really needs to be considered.
It's crazy that we can send technology across the solar system but still are struggling with what may prove to be one of humanities biggest crisis. Population control and all it's attendant concerns (food supply, abuse, neglect etc.).
Especially with you involved in an alternative lifestyle where a single partner to maybe take the plunge (sterile) doesn't guarantee to address the real issue.
Remember, because there are thousands of women out there who are NOT treating this reality with the care and responsibility you are, there are endless beautiful children that need a good, stable, loving home. If that time comes in your life where you feel prepared to take on motherhood - is it really that important that in be your own genes ?

Lots to think about.


redsirenn 03-16-2010 07:02 PM

GS -
Thanks for reminding of the fact that there are many out there who need good homes. I have thought about this alot - even adopting someone a bit older.

I am not ready to make these decisions (sterilization, adoption) right now, however. This is in response to accidents happening, even though I am careful and do think about this frequently.

I did talk to O about the vasectomy, and he said he would research it. He felt that he needed more control over the situation, and I would like to know that other girls, that I may never trust like I do myself, will not end up making him a father. I am pretty sure that would put a cramp in our relationship!

I appreciate the thoughts here.


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