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-   -   Break up Support (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23173)

Kemie 04-20-2012 08:28 PM

Break up Support
Last night Legs came over to my place and told me that he "couldn't do this anymore."

1. He talked about being unable to handle me having any form of casual sex (I swing with Wolf, but had previously agreed not to have an 1-on-1 contact with anyone except for Legs or Wolf).

2. He also talked about having developed a serious dislike of Wolf as a person... and he could only be in a poly relationship with me and another male if he liked and respected said other male. I mentioned that he didn't have to like Wolf, he just needed to respect the relationship I have with him; but this was a no go.

3. He said our ideas about the future are incompatible, even though we love each other very much. At the moment, he's right. I was and am happy with my poly lifestyle right now. He wasn't, despite recently developing a relationship with a new girl, X.

We spent the whole night pretty much just saying good bye and crying and petting each other, and he kept saying things like "I'll miss your (lips/smile/whatever)" and "I would still marry you," and "It's not fair; I love you so much."

So I need to ask for a couple of things from you guys:

1. How do I not take out my frustration on Wolf when I see him? I am a little unhappy with him because I think the last straw on the camel's back was Legs overhearing him talking to a mutual friend about some aspects of Wolf's and my sex life that he didn't need to want to know about. But apart from that little accident he's been nothing but supportive. And this was going to come along anyway; it's not as though he caused it. But I still want to beat something into the wall and cry and flail around and I don't want to be a crazy bitch. Help.

2. I have been essentially living with Legs for the last year and some. I have no idea how to go back to living alone and sleeping alone every night and not having someone to come home to after work. We each have our own places, but we swapped back and forth every other night; at least I don't have to really move out. Just take back the things I kept over at Legs' place. Any tips on how to get over this? I do have cats so that should help.

3. We have the same major social hobby and have a high likelyhood of seeing each other regularly. I realize this is the same in all relationships... but we also live 6 blocks apart. How do I stay away? Should I just avoid these sorts of situations? I really want to try to be close friends if we can't be partners, but I understand that a certain amount of time will be required before that can happen. Legs says it will never happen; that he can't do that either. That really hurt.

4. I'm to be laid off from my job later this year. I might be able to take a position in the city where Wolf lives... is that a good idea? There's nothing holding me in THIS city now. I don't know if I'd be happy with the job there, and it's the city where I grew up- it's not terribly exciting. Then again... it's a job and I don't have one. What sort of advice can you give for moving in with a partner and then moving out again for a job in a different place?

5. I could really just use some kind words. I've always followed the "leave them better than you found them" attempt with relationships. And I feel like I managed this with Legs. He's become more extroverted and open (things he wanted to be) and gained perspective and interest in poly-fi. Basically, he just learned a whole bunch about himself. This makes me happy. And certainly I've learned things about myself, too. So I'm happy and satisfied with the relationship. It didn't end on a cruel note, but I'm still really sad. I definitely have that "It's the end of the world and I'll never be happy again" feeling, even though I know it's not true and I'll be okay.

I don't feel like I failed... I just feel like I've lost.

Apologies for the long post.

opalescent 04-20-2012 09:06 PM

You haven't failed. You and Legs just weren't ultimately compatible.

Of course, that sounds so simple and easy to accept. It's not, it's a bitch.

You will be fine. It's just going to take a while.

Of course, hearing those words in similar situations in my life never really helped either. But they are still true.

Good luck and hugs!

mostlyclueless 04-21-2012 12:41 AM

Big hugs to you. Breakups are the worst. Can you do something extra nice for yourself?

Hang in there. Remember it gets easier. It sounds like you two had a good run, even if it didn't last forever.

AndAOne 04-21-2012 12:53 AM


Originally Posted by mostlyclueless (Post 133335)
It sounds like you two had a good run

A good run is the understatement of the century :(

-- Legs

Kemie 04-21-2012 01:13 AM

Dammit now I'm crying again.

PaperGrace 04-21-2012 03:02 AM

((Big Hugs))

I like the idea of you starting over in another city. It seems like it resolves a few tough spots and gives you a fresh canvas to paint your life on. I read a relationship book that actually recommended that if it was a viable option. It was called "Letting Go" by Wanderer and Cabot. A friend passed the book on to me after a rough break up. It's a little dated, but I got a lot out of it.

I'm not saying move out tomorrow, it's too big a decision to make in such an emotional state, but I would keep it in mind.

opalescent 04-21-2012 03:09 AM

*Makes note to read 'Letting Go' as going through something similar* Thanks PaperGrace!

NovemberRain 04-21-2012 06:33 AM

awwwwwwww, breakups suck. they just really really do.

The best advice I ever got from anyone was to completely separate for 40 days and 40 nights. (actually, her advice was to this before any large change in relationship ~ like if you've been friends for years and decide to be lovers, take a 40 day break first) All the lovers with whom I have done this are still my friends. All the lovers with whom I have not, well, most are not my friends and one of them is my lover. ;)

It's quite a challenge. The last time I did it was with First BoyFriend. He owed me money, I told him to send it through Current BoyFriend (at the time, he was OurFriend, and aways from becoming Current BF). OurFriend talked us both through the whole 40 days. One of us would call, and he'd be talking us down, and then the other would call him. He spent a lot of time thinking we'd get over it and get back together.

It prevents 'backsies.' It prevents over-emotive letters, emails, phone calls. It really prevents saying things that prevent you from becoming friends. Oooh, I had some hate in my heart for First BF back then. I schedule a day, 40 days in future, while I'm having the break up conversation, so we can get together and see if perhaps we want to continue being friends.

If you do have a similar hobby, perhaps you can agree to both avoid whatever mutual location for alternating weeks, or just both for a month. It won't disappear in 40 days, yes?

Just a recommendation, I know a lot of folks don't need it, can't see doing it. Just offering up what has worked well for me.

I'm so sorry. I'm sad for all loves who need to stop, for whatever. <3

StarTeddy 04-21-2012 02:33 PM

Something similar happened to me. RockBird and I had been in the process of deciding whether to break up or not for over a month. Then, when it seemed we were getting back together, we had a serious discussion about the future and he told me that even though he was okay with a limited form of poly now, that in the future he expected me to be completely mono with him, and (if it came to that) if I liked someone else, that person could never, ever be as important to me or as involved in my life as my relationship with him was. As a person who loves easily and whose ideal poly relationship is poly-fi with two husbands, I felt like it would take a huge toll on me to make sure that never happened. We decided that even though we love each other a lot, in the end our vision of the future was different and we decided that we should break up.

The difference is that now I'll be dating his best friend, who lives with him, and will continue to spend as much time in their house as I was before the breakup. We're on good terms. I actually wanted to pull away, thinking that it would be too painful to stay friends, but both he and his best friend convinced me that it was possible and they'd still be friends with me no matter what happened. It was rough at first, but after a lot of pushing and pulling we're just tired and want to settle down and be happy. We're not quite "just friends", we're kind of between friends and lovers, but we recognize that we're not going to be together in the long run. It hasn't been easy on either end, but he has a lot of willpower, and I refuse to lose him from my life. As long as he's happy and we continue to be positive influences in each other's lives, I think I'll be okay.

It's difficult when a relationship ends...when I feel sad I think to myself that it's not that I failed or that I didn't do a good enough job, it's that we were just not compatible. That we gave it all we could, that we're both great people who love each other, but in the end we just weren't what the other person needed and that the kindest thing to do was to allow the other person to be with someone who will be that for them.

Sometimes I still feel sad about it, because he's one of the greatest people I've ever met, and I don't think I'll ever find a better team than the one he made with his best friend. If it was up to me, I'd marry them both. But it's important to realize that different people want different things in life and even though I'd like to be everything to someone, that only goes as far as the other person will allow it. An ex of mine didn't want to be friends after we broke up, and I felt like he was making a mistake, but I had to come to terms with the fact that if someone doesn't want help, nor wants you around, there's nothing you can do. I just thought to myself that I did the best I could and that I had made him a better person. That no matter what happened in the end, that my presence had a positive impact on his life.

I hope that my experiences and my learning process were of some help to you... It sucks now, but it does get better. At least you have Wolf, who (I hope) will be there to support you and help you through these bad feelings.

redpepper 04-21-2012 05:23 PM

Hang in there. All will be revealed. Its all just very new. *hugs*

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