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-   -   they say their OK but their action seem to say something else (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23170)

bemorehappy 04-20-2012 06:49 PM

they say their OK but their action seem to say something else
 
OK were new to this. I came out to my husband about 6 months ago that I was having feelings for another man. He was taken by surprise I think as I was with his reaction to the news. Anyway, fast forward. He now says he is OK with it,and that we're still good too. As a couple that is.but when I go to see my fwb he gets Moody and changes the way he acts towards me. Which really makes me feel guilty. Which I don't think I should be made to feel this way every time I leave the house.
So my question is what can I do to help him feel more secure?

bemorehappy 04-20-2012 07:00 PM

have assured him that I am not going anywhere, and I try to give him lots of attention. but I just don't know what else to do. I am suppose to go out tonight with my friend and I really want to be able to do it with is full blessing and not be made to feel guilty. when his mouth says one thing but his body language says something else.

dingedheart 04-20-2012 08:32 PM

Is your husband looking for other romantic partners yet?

Why the full blessing ...how about a half blessing and work toward full.

There might be nothing that you can ever say or do to stop his dislike for this. One of those lets see what happens ...if it don't kill ya it makes you stronger type thing.

bemorehappy 04-20-2012 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 133309)
Is your husband looking for other romantic partners yet?

Why the full blessing ...how about a half blessing and work toward full.

There might be nothing that you can ever say or do to stop his dislike for this. One of those lets see what happens ...if it don't kill ya it makes you stronger type thing.

I guess a half a blessing is what I have. And no I don't think he is looking for anyone yet, or not that he had shared with me. Thanks for your in put. I guess I should just be glad for the verbal okay. And start from there.

nycindie 04-20-2012 11:06 PM

I assume you and your FWB are sexually involved, so when you go to see him, your husband knows that sex is happening.

Did you just start having sex with the FWB after telling your husband you are poly, or did you and your husband sit down and negotiate boundaries and how to proceed? Did you ask what hubby would be comfortable with and offer to take things slowly so he could get used to this change in the dynamic of your relationship? Start out with hand-holding and kisses before jumping into bed with the FWB, and talk with your husband about how it affects him each step of the way?

Six months is a fairly short time to go from announcing you are poly to overnights with a FWB. I wonder if the moodiness or difficulties he is having might be due to his feeling like his needs aren't being considered. Also, I don't know anything about your financial situation, but some guys, if they are the main breadwinner, develop resentment if they feel they are just paying for their wife to go on dates with someone else. Did you two address how you would pay for your expenses of going out with this guy, and anything related to it (lingerie, travel, presents, condoms, birth control, sex toys, etc.)?

Are you also making sure to have a date night with your husband every week so that he doesn't feel like he's stuck with just ordinary sharing the household responsibilities?

bemorehappy 04-21-2012 03:59 PM

yes FWB and I are Sexually involved. but no sex does not take place every time were together,as we are usually around other people.

Well, this started sorta differently than anything I've read here yet. my FWB and I have know each other for like forever, since childhood and he is poly and married (though he does not care for lables I think). Anyhow, we had just started talking a lot about a year ago and conversations were very flirty and suggestive. I shared this with my husband because, I did not want to hide this from him, and he got really excited. said he was ok it and even turned on by it. So that is how this started. after months of this I redeveloped feelings for my friend and that is when I started to look and found out about polyamory, which just made so much since to me and how my thought process has always worked.

I have talked to my hubby and asked what he is comfortable with and what is allowed and not so to say. He says just do what ever makes me happy, but then I feel like Im only being dismissed so he wont have to really talk about it.

I don't think the financial situation takes any place here as when I do stuff with my friend either he pays or it's free. plus My husband and I both work. matter of fact I work 2 jobs just trying to survive. times are hard. and no hubby and I do not have a date night out side of the house very often but he get's my attention all the time.

Thanks for your input Cindie you brought up some good things. and he also reads here some. so maybe this will start a conversation with him .

nycindie 04-21-2012 09:17 PM

Well, two things that stand out for me when I read your last message.

First, I remember many times my ex saying he was okay with something when he was not, and it took me asking him point blank what was going on. Actually, the last time I did that, I said, "Okay, that's it. I can't take your crankyness anymore. Why have you been so pissy all weekend?" And that's when he told me he wanted a divorce! But can you imagine if we had kept on going that way without talking about it? The resentments would have really piled sky-high!

You want to nip such potential problems in the bud, before they are become big problems. What about saying to your husband, something like, "Honey, I appreciate that you tell me to do whatever makes me happy, but it seems like there are some things you are not saying. I feel a little dismissed when you don't want to talk more about it and it makes me wonder if something really bothers you about my having a boyfriend. And whenever I go to see him, you are very grouchy. I think we need to get some of this out in the open. What is going on with you?"


The other thing is the date nights with Hubby. Yeah, yeah, so he gets lots of your attention, but is it special and romantic, like the hot dates you have with the bf? You don't have to spend money -- a stroll through a park is free -- but it is important that you set aside time to romance your hubs and give him focused romantic/sexy time for just the two of you. Consider how much he's giving you by being okay with poly. It's only fair that he be treated very special because of that. I believe that is the biggest mistake most of the married couples make when they come here and talk about problems they have with poly; they forget to romance each other as much as they do their other partners. It is an oversight that has huge impact.

This reminds me of how one member here, Sagency, describes how he approaches poly with his monogamous wife (in the quote below, he calls her "my mono"):
Quote:

Originally Posted by sagency (Post 91890)
Beyond talk, you must have action. I make a point to translate any NRE or potential NRE that I feel for someone into energy that my mono receives. Thus, any relationship or potential that comes up causes her a direct benefit. Thinking about how delicious someone else adds to my own hunger for my mono. Beside the obvious benefit, this reassures her that she is and always will be a part of my life. Frankly, the influx of NRE reminds me that my first... relationship also deserves wooing and fun. One of our simple rules is that when either of us comes home, the coming home person is responsible for seeking out the other and giving them a kiss. It's a simple thing, but it constantly reminds us to connect. Even when I give energy somewhere else, I always try to remind my mono how important and attractive she is. Too many times I've seen polys let NRE blind them to the lovely they have right there already. The NRE may get more E, but that no one gets left out in the cold.


Alleycat 04-23-2012 06:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 133424)
I believe that is the biggest mistake most of the married couples make when they come here and talk about problems they have with poly; they forget to romance each other as much as they do their other partners. It is an oversight that has huge impact.

I will second that, I will also tack on that its not a phenomenon unique to poly folks, many mono folks seems to share the tendency.

nycindie 04-23-2012 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alleycat (Post 133555)
I will second that, I will also tack on that its not a phenomenon unique to poly folks, many mono folks seems to share the tendency.

Well, sure, monos can forget to romance their partners and start seeing them as the same old predictable person, instead of someone new and exciting every day. That can happen in all relationships. People forget that it's a responsibility every day to invest in a marriage/partnership and keep it fresh.

However, monos don't have boyfriends and girlfriends that they go and diddle while the spouse is home wondering where their share of romance has gone!!

So, I would think married or partnered polys have to make an extra effort to ensure that one partner isn't just relegated to household-bills-childcare duties while the other partner(s) are treated to all the juicy sexy romance. I mean, I'm sure most married poly peeps don't invite the bf or gf over to fold the laundry.

Alleycat 04-23-2012 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 133561)
So, I would think married or partnered polys have to make an extra effort to ensure that one partner isn't just relegated to household-bills-childcare duties while the other partner(s) are treated to all the juicy sexy romance. I mean, I'm sure most married poly peeps don't invite the bf or gf over to fold the laundry.

LOL! Oddly my wife does exactly that on occasion.

I do agree in principle that a lack of romantic attention would be made worse if it was seen as an imbalance of attention instead, if one thinks of it as a limited resource similar to water.
(IE: It is not that there is NO romantic attention available, but partner A has not available to them because its all being used up by Partner B)

. . . . . . . .. Actually, after typing that, I see strong parallels in how most people tend to treat the time/energy/etc invested between partners as a limited resource. hmmm.


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