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-   -   Poly and imbalance/urges..very confused..help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23167)

poobah123 04-20-2012 03:28 PM

Poly and imbalance/urges..very confused..help
 
So it's been a while since I have posted here. If you search my previous messages I was struggling with jealousy issues. I feel like I have really overcome them fully now but have other concerns

My wife and I entered into this with another couple due to my emotional affair with her friend. So from the start our relationship was not good entering this. Now I am totally confused and dealing with the following issues:
  • 1) My marriage has nothing. Emotionally nothing. Physically nothing. We are simply good friends who love each other. Nothing else. Which makes me feel like I have a roommate with 3 kids whom I fully support!
  • 2) My OSO is great. Love her. However the attraction is not very strong. Sex is enjoyable but I don't find myself jumping at the chance to have sex. I suppose you could say "she is not my type". Yes this is shallow but shouldn't I need to feel sexual desire?
  • 3) I married young and never had the single life. I have met many women recently and I am really struggling with a desire to meet other women. Both from a sexual aspect but also from the point that meeting and learning about someone new is fun!

To point #1. My wife is gorgeous. My type. However we have major issues with communication. It's not that we don't but we speak different languages. I don't understand her. For example she is unemotional, non-affectionate, limited sexually. Not recently but her whole life. Sex is just so incompatible. She only orgasms via being on top or using the Magic Wand. I go limp with her on top (who knows). She is just simply not sensitive down there at all. Oral has literally no effect. My OSO is very sensitive and can orgasm like crazy. Loves oral and all the little things I do. We have 4 hour marathon sessions. My wife is like 10m of foreplay then she wants to get off and be done.

To Point #3: I am really having issues with this. Since I am not so strongly attracted to my OSO it makes it harder. I just am SERIOUSLY struggling with my desire to be with other women. I feel like this urge is almost uncontrollable. I have refrained from doing anything though. Also my OSO is entirely open to bringing another women into bed with us as she likes that but her husband doesn't.

So I suppose I am just looking for some viewpoints. Any advice?

NakedEarth 04-20-2012 04:32 PM

The only advice I can offer is that of an inexperienced polyamorous person. It sounds like you and your wife need to explore new options with other people? Maybe your wife can become a leg in a v relationship with someone else? If you enjoy to spend time with her and love her as a friend, then isn't it nice to have her as a roommate? As for your OSO, she sounds like another friend.

If you want to be with other woman, you should think about bringing another person into your family or to see other women outside (maybe multiple to keep the sex interesting). As long as you are open and communicating with all party's involved... all should be well.

From my understanding of a large polyamorous family, there is a lot of emotions and different opinions and wants... so I imagine its hard to work something out that makes everyone happy.

Like I said before... I am very inexperienced and have never had a poly family before. I am just writing how I feel with my limited knowledge on the subject. All I know.... is if you love hard and laugh often.. all will be ok.

dingedheart 04-20-2012 07:12 PM

Poobah welcome back. Things have shifted again...how did you get to my marriage has nothing.? Is this the result of the 2 of you focusing on your marriage. Did you make through the Holidays before finding this out ?

Whats stopping you from ....looking for the "right " relationship. Why cobble 2,3, 4 inferior relationships together to make something tolerable.

If you know the "type" of women you want and are fixated on the fact that oso isn't it ... do everyone a favor and go find the right one.

nycindie 04-20-2012 07:22 PM

Is there some reason why you cannot pursue another relationship outside of your quad, independently, on your own, without other people getting in on the action?

opalescent 04-20-2012 09:29 PM

Poohbah,

This is going to read harshly. Feel free to skip.

---------

Why are you remaining in a marriage that appears to be no longer working? If there is no emotional, sexual, or romantic connection with your wife, why are you still in the relationship? You two can raise your children and still be good friends who love each other without being married to each other.

Why are you having sex with women you like, even love, but you don't find attractive? Some of your other threads mentioned this pattern - sex with women who aren't actually attractive to you. I don't get why you can't just say 'No thanks. You're awesome but I am not interested.'

It does sound like you need to be single, to figure out who you are, what you want and who you truly feel attracted to and want.

SNeacail 04-20-2012 10:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poobah123 (Post 133278)
My wife is gorgeous. My type. However we have major issues with communication. It's not that we don't but we speak different languages. I don't understand her.

This is not unusual and it doesn't have to be permanent. Marriage counceling works wonders for just this sort of thing. BTDT :)

A few thoughts about your sex struggles with your wife. You say you married young, it took me a lot of years to actually figure out what would set me off. Unfortunately, trying to "change" my husband's technique after 18 years of marriage proved frustrating at best. Does she know how to make herself orgasm? Has she spoken to her gynecologist about the lack of sensitivity, they may be able to help?

redpepper 04-21-2012 04:56 PM

I'm going to be quite frank here so take it or leave it. You have been frank aboiut how you feel so I am taking your lead.

If I were your wife I would just want to get off too. Why? Because it seems from how you write that your attitude sucks. You sound whiney and like a child who want s a new toy. I'm telling you, you are missing NOTHING in the dating world. Its full of games, loneliness and desperation. Just because you desire other women does not mean you will bed them. You're mind is deceiving you on what you are missing.

It seems to me you have everything right in front of you. Yet you've decided to not be satisfied. The women you have in your life are quite acceptable and could be fantastic if you decide that. I would be showering them with love and devotion for the loveliness and for the amazing women they are. I would start asking for all my sexual needs to be met in creative ways. Start doing things for them that show them how special they are, even if its just faking it until you make it. Start listening to them with as much presence as can be mustered and wonder about how they see things. Ask questions and rethink how they communicate on issues of importance in their life.

I think you should stop thinking you are entitled to more. You aren't. Everything you need is right there in what you have.

Essentially, get your head out of "me, me, me" and into being empathetic towards others. I think you might find that the love in your heart is trapped and can't get out rather than you NEED another woman. That sounds more like a bandaid than making change.


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