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-   -   How do I overcome what I'll call the "sex impasse"? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23153)

hael 04-19-2012 01:55 PM

How do I overcome what I'll call the "sex impasse"?
Hello. I'm a mono male with a poly wife. We've been married almost a year, together for over 5, and my wife discovered that she was polyamorous about 6 months ago when she realized she had strong feelings for a mutual friend. Well, to be honest, it's been a long road for her, he was just sort of the trigger point for it all, but that's a different story.

Anyway, we've talked about it extensively, argued about it occasionally, and dealt with everything in between. I've read all the books and tried to come up with some rules that make me comfortable, but we're sort of stuck at an impasse.

Right now she calls him her boyfriend, they go out sometimes, and they get plenty of time alone. However, they don't have sex (at my request). I'm just not ready for that, but it's been a while now and she's getting impatient. I was hoping she would be happy with the ways things are now, but she claims she can't really express herself fully in loving someone without sex. At the same time, she tells me "it's just sex, what's the big deal?" which throws me all out of whack.

So, for the mono people out there, how did YOU overcome the "sex hump?" All the books told me what I should do (don't be jealous, talk it out, etc), but none of them made me feel any better about it. I tried writing up rules, but that only made me queasy. I need advice because things can't stay like this forever, and all signs point to "forward" as the only valid direction.

Emm 04-19-2012 02:11 PM

I recommend you read up on how to fix a broken refrigerator for some reasonably sensible advice on boundaries.

CielDuMatin 04-19-2012 02:55 PM

I don't know that I have any advice, but I do have an observation...

...and I might be stereotyping - I don't mean to say that everyone is like this, but I gave noticed a trend...

I have seen many mono women come onto forums and say something to the effect of "my boyfriend is poly - I can handle him having sex with his girlfriend but the concept of them falling in love freaks me RIGHT OUT!"

And I have seen many mono men come on the forums and saying something to the effect that the idea of their girlfriends having sex with another man is something they can't handle, but that them falling in love is fine...

There are a lot fewer who are the other way around.

Is there a trend for this gender-specific difference in terms of the value/risk/danger placed on these two things?

So it could be that the two of you are putting these different values on the respective activities. Something that you need to take into consideration when she says "it's only sex"....

AnnabelMore 04-19-2012 09:19 PM

I'm curious, by sex do you mean any type of erotic activity, or specifically PIV intercourse?

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