Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Just got on the poly roller coaster (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23134)

Deerinthewoods 04-18-2012 04:16 AM

Just got on the poly roller coaster
Hi my wife blu and I have been together for over a decade. From the beginning I thought about a poly relationship but she was not receptive and I let it go out of respect for her. The past six years the feelings have become stronger and stronger and we started exploring the fantasy of it about three or four years ago. Mind you it was more of a swinging fantasy but I knew that it would be more complicated than that in reality.

So last week we finally took the plunge. After meeting Bent a few times over the last couple of months, we invited him over and things got going.
Without wanting to categorize, it looks like it is a V with her as the hinge although time will tell. The emotions of NRE are crazy! Strange to be completely aroused one minute and then the next to have a queasy feeling in your stomach the next. Its been 4 days since and they are meeting alone tomorrow to talk and perhaps more.

I was the one who went and found Bent and introduced them. My timing wasnt particularly good because Blu is very busy these days and the NRE is really wrecking havoc on her work. So I feel guilty about that. But seeing her happy the other night was incredible. I hadnt seen her like that. It was everything that I wanted. She felt guilty that she wanted to pay more attention to him but I told her I understand.

My stomach doesnt though. Did most out there get that queasy feeling in your stomach. Her happiness is incredible- just working through the regular emotions of worry and fear that she will leave me for him. Before taking the plunge, I realized that that might happen but in the end if he is right for her and she wants to go mono again, there is little I can do. Better to take the plunge and see her happiness and passion shine through than stay in the cage of a mono that doesnt fit us well.

kdt26417 04-18-2012 05:31 AM

Hi Deerinthewoods,
Welcome to our forum.

I just think polyamory is very different from what we are trained to expect, so it's natural and very reasonable to have some disoriented (even queasy) feelings about it at first.

I don't think Blu will leave you because of Bent. Sure, she's been monogamous in the past, but I think she can see now that loving more than one person is possible. I know I can't guarantee it, but for what it's worth my impression is that she'll stick with you (as well as possibly with Bent).

In any case, monogamy wasn't working for you, as you said, so I think you're taking the right pathway here.

It's good to have you on board; hope we can be of help with any questions or concerns you have.

Kevin T.

nycindie 04-18-2012 05:44 AM

I think the queasiness will settle and eventually go away if you work on strengthening and developing the relationships that exist among you rather than focusing on the sex. Examine and talk about how the dynamic has changed between you and your wife now that there is someone else she is intimate with. Get to know this guy as a person. Go out and do friend stuff with him. Make the time for each of you to nurture the connections separately and together and, perhaps most importantly, outside the bedroom.

Deerinthewoods 04-18-2012 07:14 AM

NYCINdie, thats a great suggestion! Except I'm not sure if Bent and/or Blu will be into me having a friendship with Bent. Certainly, Bent and I started interacting with each other for almost a year before we brought in Blu and naturally Blu and I have been interacting for years. However, my relationship with Bent WAS founded on having him come make friends with my wife and understood that he would sleep with her if she was willing. I hope that we can all become friends. thats the ideal-at the same time I need to give them space for their relationship to grow. delicate balance isn't it? I think that she will take the balanced approach as she is meeting to talk with him outside the bedroom. I am fully ready for them to move to the bedroom, without me. I did say that I would prefer to be there for their first time but I know that the NRE can take over and maybe they will want to be alone. I told her if something does happen tomorrow that as long as she tells me, I will be okay. But from your experience do you think that I will? I didnt anticipate the intensity of the NRE-so it will likely be the same with the flood of jealousy. I take your suggestion of taking it out of the bedroom very seriously.

It is very bedroom focused right now. That is how Blu and my first night was, we slept together right away, within hours of knowing each other and for one year spent every day together and the first six months having sex 2-3 times a day, 7 days a week. It could happen with this relationship-although scheduling will be difficult and as we have a kid I doubt Blu will just drop everything.

kdt26417 04-20-2012 02:43 AM


Just wondering how things went with Blu and Bent meeting yesterday (I think it was yesterday). How are you holding up? I know you said as long as she told you what was happening, you'd be okay. But, we can't always predict these things.

Like nycindie said, take some of the focus off the bedroom if you can. I know the NRE is running pretty high, but developing platonic friendships is important too.

Hope you're holding up okay.
Kevin T.

Deerinthewoods 04-20-2012 05:07 AM

Bent and Blu's 1st get together
Well I was a right mess last night. I did try to get my mind off things. I went to the gym and worked out, got online and talked with some friends who have had poly relationships. I tried to keep my head out of the bedroom. I felt pretty alone after the gym and walked around the city streets for a bit, I hadn't felt that alone in a long time. I did start to imagine worst case scenarios and being abandoned and even though I had stated my boundaries, that I would prefer to be there for their first time-I thought that the heat of the moment would carry them away. And I kept waiting for a phone call and then thought that I might have to wait until morning.

SO when I did get home, about 4 hours after the start of their date, I was just really anxiety ridden and head full of worst case scenarios. Then I went online to check my messages and saw that she had sent a message! It said that she was back at home working, and for all the sorrow I felt 30 seconds earlier-all of a sudden I felt intense relief and joy and I cried. Super intense emotions-when I am usually pretty aloof about most things. I was really happy because it had gone well, and she wasn't spending the night with him -and although we haven't discussed in detail how it went (Blu's super busy finishing up her college program this week-so the NRE is not helping her one bit in that way) it doesnt sound like they played at all except for kissing(they stayed in public place).

But there was a negative thing to all this. We found out that Bent has a girlfriend and that he hasn't told her anything. So Blu decided to stop it there, even though she is attracted to him, neither of us like the idea of playing wth a guy who can't communicate his desires to his intimate partner. So I don't know what Blu and I are going to do now. The door has been opened, and there are a lot of things we have to discuss. She thought we were moving to fast anyways and she was probably right. We'll work through some things that have come up in our relationship through this and probably find someone who is ready for this kind of relationship further down the road. Stay tuned!

kdt26417 04-20-2012 05:30 AM

Well, it sounds like things worked out all for the best. I'm sure Blu was a little disappointed, but this way you can really do some studying, negotiating, and preparing for the "polyamorous future."

Thanks for your update, and I'll look forward to further news as things progress.

Kevin T.

Deerinthewoods 04-28-2012 04:26 AM

Working through it
Hi Kevin and NYCindie,
Thanks for your replies, although NYCindie it did sting a bit when you said that we shouldnt be poly on another thread-I can understand the frustration as I was focusing on sex too much-which came to a boil point last week. As I mentioned Blu was no longer interested in seeing Bent because he had a gf and was unwilling to tell her. Blu didn't like that aspect of his personality obviously and didn't want to see him anymore-but yes, Kevin, she was disappointed because she was getting NRE and then all of a sudden she was cut off from it.

Last week we went out and had fun, danced but the sex just wasn't working between us. So last sunday, it got to a point where she told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be married anymore. She added that we shouldn't have sex anymore.

At first, hearing those things hurt and I felt pretty shitty all week. I work in a different city during the week and having that weigh on me while trying to work was very trying. It was for her as well because everything was cut short , she didn't feel interested in anything, couldnt eat, couldnt sleep. She didnt want me to phone.

The past two days we have spent together and last night had a good talk. She felt that every time we were intimate I would bring up Bent and she wondered if I wanted him more than I wanted her. She also realized that when I had told her that I was bi before we got married that she sort of went into denial. I told her that at this point the sex doesn't matter to me, that its really the relationship between us. We both know that we can't go back to where we were-nor do we want to. We've turned the page...

As for where it goes from here, our first experience in this world was painful and rough. So I think that we will proceed at a better pace now. We will also negotiate our boundaries better and I will be more realistic about my ability to deal with all this in a way that is healthy. We've agreed to take a break on sex to process all this. So this week definitely finishes up happier than it began. The other thing that opened up was that now she seems willing to open the marriage both ways, so that we both can find lovers.

We still have a lot to work through before we plunge in again, its true we might decide not to be poly in which case she would likely find a mono guy, or we might decide we just like to swing. Whats important is that we have the time and space to talk about it now that Bent is out of the picture. So with that, we will be better prepared and stronger in our primary relationship. I do have a question-how do you meet partners that are trustoworthy? In your experience is it easier for you to pick your partners new lover, or do you have veto on potential new partners, or is it free for all? Interested in knowing....

nycindie 04-28-2012 06:01 AM

I never said you "shouldn't be poly." I just looked up that thread. What I said was that polyamory wouldn't fix the problems you were having as a couple (think of what a burden you would place on anyone with whom you become involved, if that's what you want them for!). I said that you seemed more focused on sex than developing a loving, caring relationship with an additional person. I also told you that polyamory can work well "only if your relationship is in a good, loving, strong, emotionally and sexually healthy place."

The fact that you interpreted that as "you shouldn't be poly" tells me that there is a part of you that thinks that way. Perhaps you are aware that there are some issues that need to be worked out and resolved in your marriage. I don't think you need tips right now on how to meet poly people to hook up with. It could take years to get from the initial discussion about trying a type of non-monogamy to actually being ready to have more partners. It requires lots of soul-searching, possibly even therapy, long heart-to-heart talks with each other, and hard work to do to get your relationship to be the best and most joyous it can possibly be, before you embark on a poly situation. In the process of working on your relationship with your wife, you may find that it is time to end the marriage. But wouldn't you rather know and leave it, so each of you can be happy, rather than stay together feeling unhappy and dissatisfied?

On the other hand, you may find that swinging is more amenable to you than poly, but either way, having a strong healthy relationship is the only place to start. Only if your marriage is the best it can be should you look for additional partners, whether for emotional relationships or just sex. Poly is not a Band-aid for broken marriages; that may seem incongruous, but it is a way to expand the love and other great stuff you already have and share it with others.

Deerinthewoods 04-28-2012 11:51 AM

True enough. We have come to the same conclusions that you outlined. I knew that poly wasn't a solution for broken relationships. I overestimated the health and strength of the relationship I have with Blu. We have been having much deeper talks than we ever have and the subject of maybe we shouldn't be married has come up. What happened through the brief months with Bent is that she realized that she wasn't getting what she needed sexually from me, and I suppose it goes both ways. So we have mutually agreed not to have sex because its just not working right now. It allows us to work through all the other issues in our marriage.

She tends to not like the therapy route, so I can't see us going that way.But yeah, we have realized that we have to work through our issues before we embark on something different. We may just have to end as a primary relationship. We'll see.

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:39 AM.