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-   -   How long does NRE last? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23133)

AnotherConfused 04-18-2012 01:03 AM

How long does NRE last?
 
It's been a roller coast year since I got to know, fell in love with, and worked out boundaries (with my mono husband) for my relationship with C, and I've been very much looking forward to the end of our NRE so things can start to feel steady and peaceful. At long last I feel like I am there, but he seems to have more stars in his eyes now than ever. How long do people tend to experience this new relationship phase? Ours is long distance and I think that's why it is taking so long. Have other people experienced moving out of it before (or after) their partner?

Partly I'm bothered because I can't offer as much as he wants in a partner, and I feel like he will never find anyone else while he's this smitten with me. (He doesn't think it's a problem.) Partly it feels uneven now, when I am finally in a place where I am content to enjoy him when he is with me and not worry about it when we are apart, and he's starting to use words like "yearning" for the first time. Lately I've been sick and moody and gaining weight and we've been trying to spend less time interacting on a sexual level, all of which you'd think might bring him down to earth, but no. Do I just have to keep waiting?

Anneintherain 04-18-2012 02:04 AM

I keep hearing 6-18 months, but I did have it with my first husband most of the time for the first decade so...I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Alleycat 04-18-2012 09:16 AM

Think I'm missing a point here somewhere.
For me NRE is the high one gets from being with another person, it's the most intense and exciting phase of the relationship.

Why not enjoy it or try to prolong it?

clairegoad 04-18-2012 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alleycat (Post 133060)
Think I'm missing a point here somewhere.
For me NRE is the high one gets from being with another person, it's the most intense and exciting phase of the relationship.

Why not enjoy it or try to prolong it?

I can't answer for the OP. However, to me NRE was fun and scary... I was taking risks... driving, working and such. I was distracted with feelings... intense feelings. It really is like a drug.

I enjoyed the feelings.. but was also very aware of the damage it was doing.. at work, and to my friends.

For us, the NRE is subtle. We've been dating for 18 months, living together for 11 and 9 months.

In July of last year, I wrote this in my blog:
"I stunned my boyfriend by recently saying the NRE (New Relationship Energy) is wearing off.. He seemed surprised that I was happy with the decrease in NRE.

I like it-- too much. I can see how people keep wanting more and more. The NRE made me giddy, and a bit careless. I was forgetting items on my shopping list, and forgetting to buy groceries completely. At work, I'd get lost in daydreams about my lovers. I felt bullet proof... I could accomplish anything, and was lost in my own life.

I don't remember the NRE the last time.. it was over 20 years ago. This is a new feeling, and quite shocking to me.. So I'm glad it has died into a warm bed of embers. With NRE, I didn't see any flaws in my lovers. Recently I've seen the flaws... and still love them.

So I'm glad to get my responsible, adult life back. The sexual energy remains, and regenerates me. The NRE is not a major distraction. I still tingle when we touch, I still smile when I think of my couple. But I'm glad the responsible, logical functions are back online. I'm looking forward to the growth of ORE... you know, Old Relationship Energy."

AnotherConfused 04-18-2012 04:51 PM

Yes, clairegoad puts it well. I want us seeing each other for who we are, flaws and all, and I don't want giddiness being a drug-like distraction. This is especially important to me because this is my first significant extramarital relationship and it's been a tough adjustment for my husband of 13 years, so I don't like being all caught up in excitement over C at the expense of my marriage. I am feeling more balanced in my life now as I come out of it. Without NRE goggles on now I'm almost feeling annoyed when C treats me like every little thing I say or do is wonderful and all my bad habits are cute, so I really want him to come down to earth with me!

opalescent 04-18-2012 05:32 PM

AC, why harsh C's NRE buzz? He'll settle into a less intense frame of mind eventually. As long as you are aware of the pitfalls and he is willing to talk about pitfalls if needed, let the guy enjoy you and NRE until he moves out of it on his own. I understand you want more stability and rationality especially as this has been hard on your spouse. But, I dunno, edging into 'be careful what you wish for, you might get it' territory.

AnotherConfused 04-18-2012 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent (Post 133082)
let the guy enjoy you and NRE until he moves out of it on his own.

Yes, I know. I haven't said a word to him about it. It feels unequal though! Sometimes I feel like he has me up on a pedestal so high I can't reach him. He's someone who doesn't really recognize his own self worth, and really seems to believe I am out of his league, which is ridiculous. I feel like he's selling himself short, and shouldn't "settle" for a secondary-type relationship with me when he wants a full primary partner. I'd love for him to have both, but since he's mono I think the next best thing for him is to move on from me when he finds someone who can be more for him. I don't think he's going to be able to recognize the potential in any other woman as long as he still believes I am the personification of beauty and wisdom. (Ha!) It would be nice if we could settle into a steady relationship without NRE for a while before he starts dating anyone else, in hopes of having a strong foundation for a continuing friendship down the road.

I guess I see this relationship as having a beginning (NRE) and middle (ORE) and an end (when he finds a primary partner) and I want to make sure we get enough middle. I wasn't really meaning to complain about things the way they are now, but I was curious how long I should expect it to last, and if anyone else had experienced getting to the end of NRE before their partner.

nycindie 04-18-2012 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnotherConfused (Post 133090)
I feel like he's selling himself short, and shouldn't "settle" for a secondary-type relationship with me when he wants a full primary partner. I'd love for him to have both, but since he's mono I think the next best thing for him is to move on from me when he finds someone who can be more for him.

Trust that he knows what is best for him. Trust that he is taking responsibility for his own choice to be with you, accept the terms of your arrangement, and love you wholeheartedly. Whenever anyone says things like, "it's not fair for so-and-so, they should have the kind of partner they really want," it kind of states that you know better than he does what should make him happy. Fuck that. Personally, I have often felt that these words are very wise: "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with." Why shouldn't he invest fully in what is present in his life right now? We've all only got this moment. Beats hanging on waiting to fulfill an unrealized dream.

As long as big important decisions aren't made based on the euphoria of NRE, I don't think it's a problem. He's not settling, let him enjoy it. I think you like to have a logical system and knowing that B follows A in the way it is meant to, but I would not worry so much if I were you.

opalescent 04-18-2012 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnotherConfused (Post 133090)
Sometimes I feel like he has me up on a pedestal so high I can't reach him. He's someone who doesn't really recognize his own self worth, and really seems to believe I am out of his league, which is ridiculous. I feel like he's selling himself short, and shouldn't "settle" for a secondary-type relationship with me when he wants a full primary partner. I'd love for him to have both, but since he's mono I think the next best thing for him is to move on from me when he finds someone who can be more for him. I don't think he's going to be able to recognize the potential in any other woman as long as he still believes I am the personification of beauty and wisdom.

If C is truly insecure, and manages his insecurity by putting you on a pedestal, not seeing the 'real you' (maybe you are that awesome! just sayin') then is not in NRE really but something else. Something that may not go away in a few months or weeks. Just something to think about.

AnotherConfused 04-18-2012 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent (Post 133100)
If C is truly insecure, and manages his insecurity by putting you on a pedestal, not seeing the 'real you' (maybe you are that awesome! just sayin') then is not in NRE really but something else. Something that may not go away in a few months or weeks. Just something to think about.

Ok, now you have me a bit scared! Something else like what? Because he's been claiming from the get-go that he's never felt anything like this for anyone else in all his 50-odd years, whereas for me it was only ever, "Wow, another intriguing and delightful man I love!" plus the excitement of something new. Maybe I am that awesome :rolleyes: as I do have that tendency to draw people in, but my faults are really not that hard to find. Ask my husband.

He's not co-dependent, at least. I have my radar up for that one. He leads a very independent, full and fascinating life, and really has less time for me than I'd like. He says I've been helping him become more confident. (Rich geeks with a thorough understanding of G-spots are a hot commodity, right?!) I just assumed that eventually he'd tire of showering me with compliments and start noticing that I'm as imperfect as anyone else. How would I know if this isn't normal NRE?


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