Just a quick hello and intro. I am happy to have found this site.
I am in a relationship with my partner whom I have been with for almost 8 years. We are in a very stable and happy relationship, and we are currently getting to know a really great girl! :D I am not letting anyone know about the new relationship until I'm completely sure that it is going to be a lasting relationship. So, that's where you all come in :p It would just be great to talk to people who are/have been in similar situations.
I look forward to getting to know you all, and getting some great advice.
May you have a beautiful day!
Welcome to the Forum LeeAnn.
Wish you all the best in both your new and existing relationships.
Glad to have you join us.
There's PLENTY to read here about navigating primary/secondary relationships. I encourage you to read and READ and READ this site as well as others you'll find referenced here.
As you're no doubt aware, the horror stories abound regarding these entry steps and there's certain things all parties need to understand going into it.
The more you can get these potential speed bumps out on the table from day one for discussion - the more likely it is you will build something beautiful and avoid contributing to the bad stereotypes that exist.
It would just be great to talk to people who are/have been in similar situations.
Welcome !! I am new to the group too, so I'm open for discussions. In my opinion, the most important and compelling quality to any successful relationship, but especially the poly relationship is honesty and open communication. When I recently had an opportunity to experience a sexual encounter with a female friend and her male friend, I took the time to initiate communication about what was going to happen. I said let's talk about our personal bounderies and what we are open to and not open to before we get in the bed. They shared that they had been sexual, but had not had intercourse yet. I asked how she felt about he and I having intercourse and she said that she would like to have intercourse with him before I did and since she didn't know how she would feel seeing he and I together, it might be best to agree that we wouldn't go there. So we didn't. But she was very surprized to find that she felt good about seeing he and I together. We do have plans to get together again and I am waiting for her to initiate that since this was all her idea and it was the first time she had ever been with a woman. She was such a delight and so scared to do anything- even touch my body. I had to gently encourage her to try "a little bit of" everything in terms of experiencing my body and she did. But just a little bit. She was very delighted. I called her the next day to see how she was feeling and she felt very good about the evening and our experience. Then, I called her a week later and she still felt positive about it.
Letting your partners know that you care about how they feel during each step of the process. Honoring the bounderies that each person might have. Being willing to wait until a partner is ready to move to the next step. These are the things that make it work !!!
Another quick reply LeeAnn. by the way....I LOVE your name- FireDancer. I'll have to share a poem I wrote for a lover years ago about the Fire Dancer.....but later.
One of my male lovers (Charles) has a primary lover (Holland) and I am his secondary lover. He likes to do things with each of us seperately, but also like to occassionally have us both present for a date, so I will invite one of my other males lovers (Richard) to join us and we have a double date. Early on, we encouraged Holland and Richard to spend some time alone together so they could establish a connection and they did. They even became sexual much to our delight. So, now when we all get together, she feels comfortable with both guys. The guys would like the 4 of us to have a sexual experience and I'm open to it, but she is hesitant since she has never done it.
All of this to say that when the four of us get together, we let Holland determine how far we all go depending on how comfortable she is. We have not tried to force her to move faster than what she is comfortable with. It requires patience, but the love that we all feel makes it easy to give her the time and space she needs. We also accept that she may never feel comfortable with a "4-way" and that's okay too.
I think that respect for each other and doing things to foster the love for each other is so important and if you have that then the other things take care of themselves.....so far anyway!!!!
Hello, thanks for the hellos and the responses. :)
I love hearing everyones unique dynamics. Just being here and reading has really helped the bit of self-confidence and jealousy that needed working on, and thinking about. Thank You! Seeing that my feelings are completely valid from the good to the bad is really great. I was wondering a few times if I was being uptight about somethings that were my ideas to begin with. Now, I see it's quite natural to have those feelings, and being honest is totaly the best way to deal with it. :)
Idealist, I would love to read the poem. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. Right now we are dating one girl together, but essentially I am open to dating outside of that dynamic (BF has continuously suggested this, and I told A this was something that would happen when I was ready). I'm just slowing submerging myself and my relationship into the lifestyle instead of a complete head dive ;)
"Letting your partners know that you care about how they feel during each step of the process. Honoring the bounderies that each person might have. Being willing to wait until a partner is ready to move to the next step. These are the things that make it work !!! "
I love this!!! What great advice! I am being completely open and honest (it's in my nature, that's why this works for me to begin with). I think that BF isn't being completely honest about how much he really is attracted to A. It would be better if they would both be honest about that. And A, well she's a whole 'nother story, and I posted in the "new to poly" forum about that issue.
Poem for Firedancer
Thanks for the reply!!
I wrote this poem 11 years ago. I had been in a 12 year relationship with a woman and I had been in therapy. I was questioning my lifestyle choice. I came to realize that although I might be bisexual, I wasn't a lesbian and that I had chosen the relationship due to my hesitancy of getting serious with a man. I was really wanting to experience male companionship when I met Randy. I wrote this for him. Hope you enjoy it!
The Fire Dance
Written by: Idealist
By surprise I was taken into his world.
He is open and loving and wearing no cover.
I have waited to see him.
There is no one like him.
He wants me to dance the fire dance with him.
An inner divine orchestra starts playing the music.
The dance has begun, I am swept away by it.
Fear approaches but fails to grip me.
Because the movement is gentle and the love is larger.
It's a Divine experience and I'm grateful to have it.
As I go within to understand the meaning,
A moment of Timelessness is what I am given.
This Now Moment encompasses past, present and future.
As I dance in the fire with him, I know I have found it.
Absolutely beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
I hope in the long run it all worked out for you and you are happy and blessed.
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