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-   -   how to convince her... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23103)

maximus 04-16-2012 08:37 PM

how to convince her...
 
I am a 33 year old bi-curious guy and am suddenly intrigued about a poly relationship.
My sex life before kids was amazing and frequent and....after kids is barely non-existant. I mean once a month if i am lucky.
I have tried begging, nagging, asking, pleading, romaticising.... nothing works.
My wife mentioned before we got married that she has always been interested in sexualy exploring a 3some with another man although it must be about her and about pleasuring her, but when i bring up the subject now, she feels hurt that i could even consider "sharing" her.
I only recently started exploring and developing my bisexual tendancies and have also admitted as much to her, but i think she has this crazy notion of "and the two of them lived happy ever after", and i think she is afraid i might find more pleasure with a man then with her, although i would love to pleasure her with another man, and when she is not in the mood, pleasue and be pleasured by my significant other (Brother?.... appologies, i am still learning the language and there was not a definition for brother on the introduction glossary)

I love her with all my heart and soul and have been completely monogomous

I am an openmided guy, and would love exploring my sexuality with my wife and another guy. I know i could be commited to a "polyamorous" relationship that can keep all our sexual, emotional, and sensual desires alive.
am i being selfish? or just foolhearty.
I am afraid to share this with her and completely freak her out. (to give a bit of her history, she has been "forced" into sexual activity some years back and recently this has surfaced as an area of her waning desire)

CielDuMatin 04-16-2012 09:01 PM

So, a couple of questions -

Is this primarily about the sex? Most of what you have posted seems to talk about sexual experiences, and very little about emotional and loving relationships.

At the time that your wife talked about the threesome, thinking back, was it presented as a "hot fantasy" during love-making, or was it something that she talked about outside of that context?

Bottom line is - the two of you made an agreement to be monogamous. her "and the two of them lived happily ever after" is not crazy at all, in my opinion - it's a natural consequence of the promises and commitments that the two of you made to each other. You are essentially asking her to change that.

If your wife doesn't want to do this, doesn't want to change the contract that the two of you have, then you need to respect her views, and not try to cajole her into changing her mind. Or you need to end the contract/marriage. It seems like the respectful thing to do, to me.

SNeacail 04-16-2012 10:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maximus (Post 132858)
I have tried begging, nagging, asking, pleading, romaticising.... nothing works.

First of all - the lack of sex after kids sounds completely normal. Kids take a LOT of energy and it tends to be extremely draining, not to mention all the other duties and household chores on top of everything else. Nothing works, because she knows anything you do for her is aimed at "getting some" and so everything and every little touch seems hollow (and puts her on the defensive) and sex becomes one more duty she is required to do while totally exhausted. Get a hold of the book "The 5 Love Languages", read it, have your wife read it and sit down and discuss it. Schedule weekly dates, WITHOUT the kids around. Work on your primary relationship before trying to introduce other people into your relationship. One step at a time.

It may help to see a marriage/family counselor. It's so much better to get help before the shit hits the fan than afterwards.

Keep talking to her about your needs without the begging, pleading, nagging or blaming.

nycindie 04-17-2012 02:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maximus (Post 132858)
My sex life before kids was amazing and frequent and....after kids is barely non-existant. I mean once a month if i am lucky.
I have tried begging, nagging, asking, pleading, romaticising.... nothing works.

Hmm... have you tried taking over more of the housework and childcare? Getting a sitter? That might do the trick. ;)


Adding additional partners to the equation won't help the basic problems. Don't look far afield. Bring your attention to what she needs to feel like she has a partner, not on what you need to get off.

maximus 04-17-2012 06:19 AM

Outsider view
 
Yes, I do the housework when the maid is not there. Yes I look after the kids as often as I can.
If I have to admit it to myself, I thinks itís more about sexual than emotional - about a 60/40 split.
I have over the past 18 months or so become very emotionally attached to a work colleague, with reciprocating feelings, although there is nothing physical (nor will there be) as we both respect my marriage and my wife.
This work colleague, B (26), also Bi-curious and single but highly sexually active, has become my closest friend (after my wife), and we share everything.
Now the crux of the matter. I lost my brother at a young age and even though we were not that close due to a large age difference of 12 years, B has become my surrogate (younger) brother.
I need some outsiders input as I am trying to sort out my own emotional confusion.
Any comments will be welcome.

kdt26417 04-17-2012 10:12 PM

Hi maximus,
Welcome to our forum.

Re (from maximus, Post #1):
Quote:

"I would love to pleasure her with another man, and when she is not in the mood, pleasure and be pleasured by my significant other (Brother? ... appologies, I am still learning the language and there was not a definition for brother on the introduction glossary)"
Not sure there's an exact word for what you're looking for, although "brother-husband" is a maybe. Otherwise you'd just say "partner" or "male partner."

As to what to do about your current problem, your wife's seemingly lowered libido, the others are right in saying it's better to address that first on its own merits, rather than trying to "add another person to the equation to fix it." I know that's probably not what you want to hear; you're eager to start a polyamorous life, but she needs to be on board with that idea before it gets under way.

Since begging, nagging, asking, pleading, and romanticising have not worked, you're sort of left with the direct approach, which is to sit her down and say, "Look, I would like us to have more of a romantic life with each other. What can be done that would help you feel more in the mood for that?" Getting some couples counseling would probably also be a good idea, if you can do that.

As the others have mentioned, taking care of kids is a huge responsibility, and she may just be worn out. But asking her, directly, what's making her have less libido, is the most obvious way of finding out why she has this lack of interest.

CielDuMatin is right in pointing out that when you guys got married, you made promises to be monogamous to each other, so she's not wrong to want it to stay monogamous. On the other hand, I couldn't say why she seemed interested in a threesome, but not so much now. Again, the direct approach might be the way to go. Such as saying to her, "I know there was a time before we got married when you seemed to think a threesome might be of interest to you. What do you feel is different about now that a threesome no longer sounds good to you?"

She may come around about the poly thing if she reads up about it and gets more familiar with it. Franklin Veaux has some good web pages about the subject. But first you need to get your marriage with her on solid ground without bringing up the poly stuff. It's probably the only way she'll eventually be willing to consider it (and of course I can't guarantee it even then).

You're not 100% happy in the marriage right now, and in all likelihood, neither is she. She is probably hoping you'll do something about that, before bringing up any threesomes or poly propositions. That's what I'm guessing, anyway.

Hope this has been of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

LotusesandRoses 04-18-2012 01:21 AM

You have a relationship with an individual, not with a group of two or more.

No one likes feeling like they once fulfilled all your needs and now they're old news. Before you add partners, entertain working on your marriage and seeing her needs are fulfilled. The time to look for new experiences and partners are when things are going well, not when they're on shaky ground.


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