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-   -   Hello and feeling bitchy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2309)

thunkybunny 03-14-2010 10:12 AM

Hello and feeling bitchy
Hello everyone. Hope you're all happy and healthy. I am a scholar in the social sciences, so I am quite aware of the challenges to relationships whether they be monogamous or non-monogamous. I had an experience as an outsider to one half of an established couple that turned out to be a bloody nightmare. The couple boasted many years of practicing poly and claimed to have a good grasp of the basics. However, it turned out that they were an extremely unsafe couple sexually and emotionally. They talked the talk, but could not walk the walk. Both were very prone to jealousy, despite the fact that I was neither seeing nor having sex with anyone else at the time. Both were habitual finger-pointers instead of responsible caretakers when it came to problems within their relationship and their relationships with others. Both failed to communicate on important decisions that affected my life (e.g. new sexual partner with the person I was dating, rule and schedule changes). They demanded respect for their relationship, but failed to reciprocate respect for other relationships. Their relationship had codependency and folie deux written all over it. The person I was dating and I had discussed early in our relationship that they would need to treat me as an equal human being instead of a pet, but they could not follow up on that in practice. My patience with them ended and I had to put my foot down with an ultimatum, to which the person I was dating responded with "just friends" and "casual". After that, everything ended. I have read elsewhere that such problems are common. I remain angry as hell about the experience, though it was an interesting learning opportunity. It's a shame that people can adopt the "poly" label to excuse themselves of poor behaviors. I am discouraged by the experience, but I don't want it to bias my future relationships.

korindino 03-14-2010 02:30 PM

First, welcome.

Second, I'm sorry you had a bad first experience with polyamory. It's not all like that, I promise! You just have to be on the lookout for people who don't seem to know what polyamory really is. A few months ago I was approached by a couple seeking a unicorn. I figured out over the course of one lunch date that all they really wanted was a sexual plaything to liven up their miserably failing sex lives, and a babysitter that they didn't feel obliged to pay.

Poly is a wonderful lifestyle, for those who truly want to make the emotional connections, and for those who have the maturity, respect, and discipline to make those multiple connections work. I'm sorry that the first couple you dated wasn't like this, but I'm glad that you're here to learn more, and not shutting out polyamory completely.

At any rate, I hope you find what you seek on these boards. See you around!

Also, let me be the first to point you to Franklin, the poly guru:


GroundedSpirit 03-14-2010 04:17 PM

Welcome ThunkyBunny !
I hope you find conversations useful and share (as you did here) your own trials and tribulations.

Speaking of which - your post was timely for me in that I was considering starting a thread addressing the whole equation that you outlined here.
Maybe you'd like to take what you have written here as a new General thread (question) of what - as a community - we might all do to minimize or eliminate this common issue for those that come behind.

Enjoy !


thunkybunny 03-16-2010 06:58 PM

Thank you...and you.... :D

CielDuMatin 03-16-2010 07:04 PM

I don't blame you for feeling bitchy! What a horrible experience to have to go through.

Unfortunately it is very common in the poly world. You get people who know the theory back to front, have all the right jargon down and say all the right things, but then can't do it when it comes to actually living it.

...and you get those who use poly as a crutch, believing that adding someone else can make up for some perceived lack in their relationship. It rarely works, and often becomes manipulative. Rules are laid out with no rhyme or reason, and the wishes, feelings and priorities of the "new person" are ridden over rough-shod.

In my opinion it's inexcusable, and I wish I could say that these were exceptions, but they're not, and it means that people entering a poly relationship have to be very very careful, looking for the so-called "red flags". There are a couple of threads on that topic on this forum about it.

I do hope that your nasty first experience hasn't soured you completely to polyamory, but that instead it just showed you more of what you don't want in a non-monogamous relationship.

thunkybunny 03-17-2010 12:45 PM

Thanks! :)

Appolyon 05-06-2010 07:50 PM


I had a similar experience with the two women that were my first poly relationship. My lifemate Jez and I adopted some rules about who and what we were looking for specifically, and it has helped us avoid disaster on several occasions. its good to be clear with precisely what it is you want before you enter into any kind of poly relationship, and not tolerate any deviance from it.

IE, I am jealous of other guys, and very territorial ((stupid triple y chromosome >.<)) but I am entirely indifferent of her relationships with other women. so "no other men" became one of our guidelines. neither of us is interested in "flings" so we do not do that either.

etc, etc, ad infinitum. I hope your experience will not ruin your potential poly lifestyle.

thunkybunny 05-09-2010 12:18 AM

Thank you. The hardest part was being treated as if I was sub-human. I should have walked away sooner.

Appolyon 05-09-2010 12:24 AM

I completely understand. I subbed for them on multiple occasions and often felt that their demands went beyond the bounds of play to actual abuse. hopefully you will be able to recover and let go of those bad times. ((HUG))

Shalom, sister. may the peace of the Light be with you.

capricorny 05-09-2010 12:36 AM

If it ain't communication, it ain't poly.

Originally Posted by thunkybunny (Post 28925)
Thank you. The hardest part was being treated as if I was sub-human. I should have walked away sooner.

Yes. Insist on the communicate, communicate, communicate mantra, and in such a 2+1 situation, it's their responsibility to meet you, communication-wise. ..If it ain't communication, it ain't poly.

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