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-   -   poly/mono baby steps (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23071)

browneyes 04-16-2012 01:10 AM

poly/mono baby steps
 
hello poly thread,
I have lurked these threads for a while now, finally having the courage to ask for advice.
I am a mono in a new poly relationship. :confused: I am very new to this, and doing the best I can to stay as open minded as possible. I love my partner and I want him to be able to be free to explore the things he wants.

We are taking baby steps to open our relationship up, talking frequently, reading books, and also a seminar. It's hard to hear things from other poly folk such as "poly/mono? good luck that's painful." I am looking for other poly/mono couples to help me comfort myself through things like dealing with jealousy and my own issues. I know successful couples are out there and I would like to find them, to ask them how their journey went, and to see what it took them to get where they are now if they are still together.

My partner is going to a social event this week and I have chosen to let him go alone so he is not felt held back by me being there. I am nervous about it.. just slightly. I know he is not going to meet some one and run away with them forgetting about me, but i am still a bit unsettled. The first time he asked me to go on a date with some one else I cried, and I want to work on dealing with those emotions. If there are any other mono people on this thread who went through similar things, even poly people, I would love to hear from you. My partner is the only other poly person I know and I would like to open myself up to this without the anxiousness! Feel free to share advice, tips, virtual hugs.. anything.. Thanks for reading. Hoping to make friends.

browneyes

Icewraithonyx 04-16-2012 01:40 AM

Hello, I'm the mono husband in a fairly new poly marriage. I can sympathize about the emotional turmoil. How long has things being opening up?

Hugs.

browneyes 04-16-2012 02:47 AM

Recently, within the past two months. The seminar was by far the most challenging thing by far, but he has been great about asking me about my needs and taking things slow. SO I want to honor that by being ok with him doing his events as well.. its still just.. hard.. and i never know how i am supposed to feel about things. :\

WhatHappened 04-16-2012 03:23 AM

Hi, browneyes,

I'm in the same situation as you. The man I'm seeing is someone with whom I knew years ago there would be an attraction between us if we were both available. Now that I'm divorced, he views us as both available, and I've really been enjoying his company, but I think deep down, I don't entirely regard him as 'available,' no matter how much he and his wife both do. Besides, which, he is not available for a relationship that has the normal course of things as possibilities. So for me, it has impacted my feelings. I very much enjoy our time together, I like him, but I simply don't want to spend my life going to bed alone while someone I love is going to bed with his wife, and the attraction that I believe would have become deeper in another situation is not going where I once thought it would, for me, if we were ever seeing each other.

Of course, I'm only 4 months into this, and I have no idea at this point what a month from now holds let alone, 2 or 3 years. There are some mono/poly couples who do very well.

He does encourage me to meet other men, and I don't feel badly about it at all, because he's right to do so.

Look up newtoday and dragonsbyte, who are also monos dating polys. As is (forgive me for very possibly getting the last letters wrong...) MonoVPHG who posts here frequently.

Please feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to talk.

redpepper 04-16-2012 04:35 AM

There is vast amounts of writing on here about poly/mono dynamics. Its probably our biggest tag. I suggest going to the search engine and looking in the tags for "mono/poly" and do some reading. My bf, Mono has done extensive writing on the topic as we went through our earlier years and there are some great threads by Sage who is also mono and did a lot of writing here and on her website. You are not alone, and while its a hard road to travel, its not impossible to achieve. Good luck! :)

Phy 04-16-2012 05:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by browneyes (Post 132733)
[...] i never know how i am supposed to feel about things. :\

Hey there, welcome.

Don't feel like you are 'suppose' to feel anything at all. Just feel what you simply feel, have a look at it and communicate it to your partner. There is no 'right' way you need to feel, there is just your way. Both my partners are mono and it's essential for their peace of mind and mine that they speak up and tell me about their feelings (good or bad, of course I like to hear about the first kind a bit more ;)). Wishing you luck on your journey.

Kemie 04-16-2012 02:58 PM

Hey Browneyes,

I was the poly in a mono/poly relationship until my mono boyfriend opened up to another girl. It was obviously very difficult for him. I feel like you're working really hard and doing really well. You should be proud of yourself. Just remember: you are extremely important to your partner, and if you have difficulties with things TALK TALK TALK about it. Communication is key, and he can't help you if he doesn't know what is specifically bothering you and why it's bothering you.

Good luck!

browneyes 04-17-2012 04:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 132748)
There is vast amounts of writing on here about poly/mono dynamics. Its probably our biggest tag. I suggest going to the search engine and looking in the tags for "mono/poly" and do some reading. My bf, Mono has done extensive writing on the topic as we went through our earlier years and there are some great threads by Sage who is also mono and did a lot of writing here and on her website. You are not alone, and while its a hard road to travel, its not impossible to achieve. Good luck! :)

Thank you so much! It is definitely a huge weight off my shoulder to hear all these positive comments. Can you direct me to Sage's website so i may see her writing?

browneyes 04-17-2012 04:49 AM

thank you everyone for the supportive feedback. It is so comforting to know I am not alone.. sooo comforting. Would anyone mind sharing some of their stories with me about the beginning of their relationships with their mono or poly partners? I feel like i have a road map with no path on it. Right now my manual has been the 'Opening Up' book, which i like a lot. I feel like it could be used to any sort of relationship, preaching communication.

NovemberRain 04-17-2012 05:06 AM

hiya browneyes,

I recommend you take a look in the Life Stories and Blogs sections, a lot of those start with people's starting stories.

Short version of mine: I was with First BoyFriend (FB) in a mono relationship (well, til it ended) for about two years. He became friends with Current BoyFriend (CB) and the three of us were friends. Broke up with FB, eventually started dating CB, and the three of us were friends. Six years later, broke up with CB, didn't break up 'clean', sort of got back together, then FB fessed up that he missed me. CB has always joked about not caring if I had sex with FB, so I asked him if he meant it. He said yes, and here I am the hinge of a vee. It's only been a few months, but feels like eight years.


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