Wonderful new partner but need communication help!
I have a new a wonderful woman in my life but I need some advice from some of you more experienced polyfolk on communicating, particularly because Iíve had time to adjust to the idea of poly relationships and she (new partner) has never heard of them before.
A little background, myself (bi, female) and my boyfriend J have been together for 4ish years. Up until recently he has been monogamous with me with the exception of 1 awesome threesome. He has been open to me dating/ having sex with women the entire time weíve been together and I have dated several women casually (with everyone involved having knowledge of the situation) over this time.
About a month ago we met a women my age who wanted to have a threesome with us. We got to know each other over the course of only a few days and ended up having a couple of very fun threesomes. We all kept talking/ texting/ spending time together primarily because she and I have a ton in common.
I have had a little bit of jealously the first time they had a day together/ sex without me around but I feel over it now. Both of them seem extremely concerned that they will do something and all of the sudden I will spontaneously combust from jealousy. I expected to be more jealous but honestly I love J and hearing how happy he is with P makes me really happy, it also helps that P reminds me of myself and I like her very much as a person, in fact I can see us getting along great as friends even if there had never been anything sexual between us. P has previously said she would love a sexual relationship with a woman (or more than one woman) but only thought she could have an emotional/ romantic relationship with a man, but maybe this is just because she has never met the right woman? ;)
Several things I want to be able to communicate but have been having a hard time getting across:
- J clearly has feelings/NRE/caring or some kind of strong emotions growing for P. Iím not surprised by this, because I have feelings for her as well and she is has already mentioned to me (in a kind of cryptic fashion) that she has feelings for J but is afraid to hurt my relationship with J. J seems to have a rule with himself that any girls he/ we have sex with will only be sexual partners and he will never have romantic feeling for themÖ which probably works well in theory but itís pretty clear heís already having those feelings, but is horrified/ in denial (?) that they are there. I am not at all upset by this and I would like to be able to talk to him about this and know what kind of relationship he wants with P in a way that he cannot hear as jealous.
- Right now both P and J are afraid I will become jealous of their sex/ closeness/ NRE(?) and that will either A) split up their ability to spend time together or B) mess up my relationship with J. I am happy that both of them have been so caring toward my feelings but I feel like they are both feeling that they have to walk on egg shells around me to avoid me getting jealous. I want to put their minds at ease because, while I do expect to feel jealous from time to time, I really donít right now and I want them to be able to enjoy what they have.
- My relationship with P is really unclear right now and I want to figure out what she wants with me. I am attracted to her and have definite romantic feelings toward her. I also would be happy as her friend because we get along very well. We have not had sex alone yet (well, only while J was out of the room recuperating from the threesome action). I have been backing off my advances with her because I did not want to make her feel obligated to have sex with me in order to keep seeing J. She also said a couple of weeks ago that she would like to take a break from the threesomes for a while but continued seeing J, I took this to mean she was only sexually into him but yesterday she told him she was open to having sex alone with me and wanted to continue dating/ having sex with J alone because although she really liked the threesomes she was afraid that if I saw her having sex with J now that she has more emotional/ romantic feelings for him that she was afraid I would get hurt or not want her to be with J anymore.
As you can probably see this is a very happy situation, but weíre all in need of some better communication techniques!
Any advice is highly appreciated.
Sounds lovely. :)
You could invite them here to read this, or print it and hand it to them. I think what you've said here is a great conversation starter.
I'm not sure where the lack of communication is so much as things are unsettled and unclear. This is normal when starting out I think. It could be that you just all need to keep expressing whatever comes up for you and see where the cards fall eventually.
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