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-   -   Poly? Coverup for Cheating? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23029)

Messenger 04-13-2012 05:00 AM

Poly? Coverup for Cheating?
 
Hello Everyone,

I'm new to this whole topic, but before posting I did my due diligence to understand as much as possible before asking my questions.

My situation: I have a partner or FWB whom I see on a somewhat regular basis and who I am very honest with. We are both free to be with other people. I believe that trust and communication are key in ANY relationship. I am very open to poly relationships and didn't realize there was a name for how I have been feeling. Sure, I don't understand it all or how to deal with some of the issues that may spring up, but I am open to learning as much as possible.

I recently met a poly male (who introduced me to idea of poly) and had an immediate physical and sexual attraction to him. Definitely NRE, seriously, DAMN! Never felt anything like it. He did mention that he had a girlfriend, and that he wanted me to meet her. They do not live together. This was weeks ago and he still has not told her about me! We had been together 3-4 times until I realized he was not telling her and I have since backed off and told him to tell her the truth.

His reasoning for not telling her right away is confusing to me. He wants to wait until after their trip together. Apparently he thinks timing is wrong. However, in my eyes, this all seems wrong. I told my partner everything he wanted to know, discussed anything that bothered him and it made things WONDERFUL for our own relationship. He thought it was hot for me to be with another guy.

I cannot help but feel guilty for being with someone whose partner does not yet know about me and won't know for another few weeks (if I decide to even stick around that long, considering my "red flag" alert is going off now). How horrible for her to not know! Gah!

I also cannot help but feel like this man has decided to become poly in order to rationalize his behavior (which does seem to border on NRE addict and cheater, and not necessarily HONEST, COMMUNICATIVE, poly behavior). Is his partner really poly too? I've only heard his side. Is he not trusting that she can handle it? Is there ever any reason to keep things like this from your partner?

If I cannot trust him to tell her the truth, how can I trust him at all? This sucks when you are HIGHLY attracted to someone. He is intellectually stimulating as well as VERY sexually stimulating.

I feel like I have been honest to both parties (both men know about each other) but it is not fair that he has not been honest.

He says it will all work out for everyone, but I am just not sure. I've probably left out some stuff even though I have read through this a couple of times, so if you have any questions about something I was unclear about, please feel free to ask.

Any suggestions? Wisdom?

lovefromgirl 04-13-2012 05:02 AM

My gut says your gut is right: he's not poly. He's just cheating. And you can't trust him.

NovemberRain 04-13-2012 05:02 AM

Sounds like a cheater pretending to be poly to me.

Alleycat 04-13-2012 05:18 AM

I'll 3rd that.

Definetly a cheater in poly clothes.

Anneintherain 04-13-2012 06:58 AM

And maybe he's not a cheater, maybe they have more of a DADT situation or similar until something becomes serious. However, I'd sure as hell skip having sex with him again until I'd met/heard from his partner and made sure she was OK with it.

I do know my husband and I have VASTLY different ideas about when to inform each other about what, and that has caused a number of interesting and/or stressful conversations. Always a chance his partner just doesn't need to know until something is serious (maybe he goes through partners like kleenex during a cold and she gets tired hearing about a zillion kleenex, etc).

And, maybe he's a cheater.

CielDuMatin 04-13-2012 03:04 PM

Polyamory is quite often used an as excuse for cheating. The thing is, it's quite east to deflect that once you know a few methods.

First, for me, before anything sexual happens, I need to meet the other partners. If the other person needs to "go slow" for whatever reason, then I will go slow too - if this person is that good, then they are worth waiting for.

So, for example, in this case, once it was obvious that the sparks were there, if he was saying "it has to wait until after our trip", then my response would be, "ok, good, give me a call after your trip, once you have told her, so that we can do a quick face-to-face meeting with her."

I don't do DADT arrangements for the reason that it's far too easy to lie or misinterpret. I know far too many folks who have promised that their partner was perfectly ok with it only to find out later than the person had no clue.

From what you have written it sounds like you have a good, firm grasp on what you want and what you don't want. It should put you in a great position to negotiate the poly minefields that can be out there.

kdt26417 04-14-2012 11:21 PM

Re (from CielDuMatin, Post #6):
Quote:

"First, for me, before anything sexual happens, I need to meet the other partners. If the other person needs to 'go slow' for whatever reason, then I will go slow too -- if this person is that good, then they are worth waiting for.
So, for example, in this case, once it was obvious that the sparks were there, if he was saying 'It has to wait until after our trip,' then my response would be, 'Okay, good, give me a call after your trip, once you have told her, so that we can do a quick face-to-face meeting with her.'"
I sooo agree with this. Sex is too big a can of worms to open without meeting face-to-face (I'd say even one-on-one just to be safe) with the other person's partner, and confirming that they're on board.

Unfortunately, NRE can cloud one's judgment about one's love interest. The guy described in the OP sounds suave, sexy, and suspicious. I guess there's no harm in saying, "We can continue our relationship as soon as I've met with your girlfriend." But I'd definitely say that (unless I were just gonna run for the hills).

Sux to be in that type of situation, Messenger. You are quite right to have misgivings about it (although I hope it all turns out to be okay).

urmila 04-15-2012 07:57 AM

polyamory is opennessand is opposite of cheating. He definitely doesnot give an impression of poly if he is having relationship with u without the knowledge of his girlfriend, and it is anybody's guess he might be having some more affairs going at the same time. my suggestion is kee off

Windstar 04-15-2012 02:31 PM

I was one dating a girl on the side of my primary relationship, and we never got to the place of having sex. It never got past my "feeling her out" phase. She talked all big and great about poly this and poly that. She had all the theory and concept down.

But, when it came down to it, she couldn't do the work. She couldn't actually tell her primary partner the reality of her feelings. She couldn't be honest with herself. She couldn't walk the talk, essentially.

Perhaps i could say that she was in a phase or layer of her poly process unfolding in her life. I think I was there once too, that's why I say it. Once when I was new to all these ideas, I espoused them vocally, but the reality of living the integrity and open heart raw and maybe dangerous communication required was still beyond my abilities at that point.

Is it so with this man in your life? Is he new to poly?

nightrush 04-15-2012 07:41 PM

Even benign new to poly, everyone defines it differently... however... from what i noticed from out local polly group most of them are the same way... they are always just looking for the next weekly fling....

I say this is just a coverup.... you can put perfume on a pig but its still a pig


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