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-   -   Can this relationship work? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23017)

wheredowegofromhere 04-12-2012 09:58 PM

Can this relationship work?
I have posted this in another forum for bisexuals, but I haven't gotten a response, so I figured I should find somewhere else that's more centered toward my question.

My husband came out a couple years ago about having an interest in men. Since then we have had a pretty open relationship, he is more then welcome to hook up with men, and we have done a couple threesomes. I really enjoy having another man around, and I really enjoy that he is so happy and comfortable. I don't want to be with someone else sexually, but I don't mind him being with someone else, but only a man. It does not bother me if he is sexually or emotionally invested in someone else. We are both very very secure with our sexuality and our relationship. I want to add someone else to our relationship and he does too, but I don't want us to get lost in the transition. If we do decide to add someone else, what can we do to make sure we stay in love? I want to be first, more important than anyone we add to our relationship, but that may change if I do really enjoy the person we add. What about the bedroom situation?

I am not sure how any of this works, and I want to make sure whatever we do, it is fair to everyone. I want to make sure we all feel we are important, and that my husband and I stay in love.

km34 04-12-2012 10:47 PM

There has been a LOT of discussion lately on the whole "adding a person" concept. Most of the people here will very adamantly tell you that it doesn't work. Your relationship with your husband is just that. YOUR relationship. The relationship with someone else will be your relationship with someone else, and your husband's relationship with that person will be his relationship with that person.

Here is a thread specifically geared towards the "adding to/joining" mindset and why it generally doesn't work.

However, a poly relationship CAN work. Both triads (all three of you involved with one another) and vees (one person being involved with two others while the two "arms" are not romantically involved but often friends) can be successful as long as everyone has similar expectations and honest and open communication are kept up.

Read around; there's tons of information about various relationship models, hierarchy of relationships vs equality (what you seem to want is a hierarchical model where your relationship with your husband is and always will be primary meaning that any additional partners will by default come second - there are people here that will argue for and against this concept), finding single people who are interested, how people go about dating, etc. There is a wealth of knowledge! :)

nouryia 04-13-2012 02:58 AM


Originally Posted by wheredowegofromhere (Post 132404)
...what can we do to make sure we stay in love? I want to be first, more important than anyone we add to our relationship, but that may change if I do really enjoy the person we add.

There are no certainties. Proceed slowly because I'm here to tell you that even if your intent is to add a person only for 'fun', it can turn to more. If you're not ready to face that possibility you may want to sit down and discuss with your mate exactly what your expectations are and all the 'what ifs' that may arise.

My husband and I have been through it, and we still love each other. But he's had a struggle with jealousy in accepting that I also love another man. And he used to say the same thing 'I want to be first, I want to be the one you love more'. Let me tell you that love is not a measurable commodity. I have two men in my life, one I live with and one I don't, but I love them both very much and would never want to be made to choose...

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