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-   -   An Embarassing Insecurity (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2301)

Tesseract 03-12-2010 04:37 AM

An Embarassing Insecurity
New guy over here, trying to figure out how to be entirely comfortable with the parameters and conditions of this brave new world that I find myself in these days. And I could use some advice, or at least an outside opinion. So as much as I detest being such a cliche, well, here goes...

I am having a hard time feeling secure that I 'measure up' to my wife's boyfriend. Yeah, like that. And this is really making me doubt myself, and my ability to please her. I'm pretty capable of pleasing my lady fair - I'm confident that's not an issue, hooray for inventiveness and a genuine interest in knowing what she likes and being able to deliver ;)- but she has a definite enthusiasm for his tool of the trade that she doesn't have for mine. And while I'm telling myself the basics - this isn't a competition, she still has a great time with me, there's mutual interest, etc - it's not sinking in emotionally, and I'm struggling to become comfortable with myself in this arena again. So at the risk of being derided as perhaps a tad juvenile here, I'm soliciting advice or feedback.


Vexxed 03-12-2010 06:54 AM


Originally Posted by Tesseract (Post 23939)
but she has a definite enthusiasm for his tool of the trade that she doesn't have for mine.

I'm the last member that they would recommend for giving advice about insecurities, regardless here's what I have to say about this issue.

I'd be happy that she expresses her enthusiasm rather than hide it. <---- That would be really important to me. I'd also enjoy every second of watching them have sex, if I were allowed to watch. I'd live vicariously through him, in a way, and enjoy seeing how she responded to feeling more "filled up". This is one the instances where I can experience compersion, yet I feel insecure when she is captivated by her other boyfriend's words and sense of humor. Ah, the irony.

My girlfriend's other boyfriend (and not her husband) has a large penis. She knows that I know that he is well endowed. She says that sex with him is great. She hasn't shown any enthusiasm for his penis, but I wish that she would be expressive about it to me. I have seen her comment enthusiastically about big penises when it has been about other people. She knows that I have a strong desire to watch them have sex. She wants for me to watch also, but he has been reluctant. I have always had a fantasy of watching a woman that I love have sex with a lover that was very well endowed. Now, the elements of this fantasy are around me, but I haven't been able to experience it.

If I were in your shoes, I'd want to watch. I'd also remember that there are many ways to have satisfying sex, and many of those ways do not include a big penis. I really do have to remember this myself. So, I pleasure her the best that I can with my penis. I also try to be very romantic on some nights. Now, I'm trying to be more raw and urgent, because that is where our sexual play is heading. I rely on being creative.

I can't give her an orgasm with my fingers or my tongue. She has to rub herself to orgasm with me. It sounds like you are able to bring your wife to orgasm with your own body in some way. Be happy about that.

I'm in the same situation as you are, but my perspective of the situation is different.

Breathesgirl 03-12-2010 10:13 AM

Just because she's enthusiastic about his penis doesn't mean that he knows how to please her in other ways.

To me sex is about SO much more than PIV sex! It's about two people who love each other, care about each other, spending some time bonding in ways that are specifically unique to them! It means the chances of my doing things which I do NOT enjoy are in the negatives since this other person can fulfill that need for him. It means personal time for me to recharge my batteries or get some things done while he's away that he doesn't enjoy or which take time away from him when he's home.

When my boyfriend does have sex with another it is their special bonding time (not that they don't bond in other ways as well). I do still have issues (and they ARE my issues, not his or anyone else's) with his being with someone else in a sexual way. I just have to remember that it is ME he chooses to come home to each and every time it happens!

RickPlus 03-12-2010 01:20 PM

Hi Tesseract,
What Breathesgirl said.

Also you wife may be having some New Relationship Energy (NRE) which puts a glow around their new love. When your love is in NRE, it is easy to feel insecure in general.

There is NOTHING juvenile in your feelings. You feel what you feel. The only thing you can control is how you behave. One thing you might try doing is spend more time with the boy friend. As you get to know him, he becomes more human and less a djinni of terrible prowess and wonder.

You may also want to look thru some back posts here on insecurities.

Good luck! Warm regards, Rick.

Breathesgirl 03-12-2010 02:04 PM

Nre. A wonderful thing !!! It gives us good feelings all around. Breathless anticipation, the little unexpected things.

NRE a terrible thing sometimes too. We get so wrapped up IN those feelings because they feel soooooo good that we sometimes neglect the sure thing in favour of the new & shiny.


Tell her how you feel but don't do it accusingly. Instead say something like "when you do x I am feeling this way". Velieve me, this helps to diffuse a potentially loaded conversation BEFORE it becomes loaded.

EugenePoet 03-12-2010 02:19 PM

Nobody should be deriding you for anything, man. You're gutsy for coming out with your worries.

If you guys are doing separate things -- that is, not a threesome and not her-and-him with you watching -- then it might be considerate for her to keep the details to herself. That depends on how your whole poly experience is structured, I suppose.

I'm the boyfriend of a married poly woman. Theirs is a fairly conservative and structured relationship, and direct descriptions of sex with other partners or the sexual equipment of others is not a topic of conversation. Given the consciousness and awareness of this couple, I suspect that's intentionally done in order to avoid comparisons and the possible envy, resentment, and then outright jealousy that can sometimes follow from that.

I dunno...it may be an opportunity for you and your wife to deepen your awareness and understanding. Love and closeness does not mean that you automatically share every single thought and recount every experience. It does mean that you care for and nurture the relationship. It may be that each of you thinks carefully about what's important to share and what's not. Descriptions of her boyfriends tool may simply be something she keeps to herself?

I'm average-sized. It is what it is, obviously. (Miracle-gro does nothing but make it itch... :rolleyes: ) But my lady love is so very good at caring for our relationship that I feel secure. And I try very hard to reciprocate.

I recall early in our relationship she would very gently test my perceptions by mentioning her other men. When she found that I didn't clench up emotionally she talked more openly about them, but she's never mentioned any sexual specifics about anyone. Except herself... :)

But man, all this can be as varied as the spectrum of human behavior...and that's a LOT of possibilities! As the post from Vexxed implies, some take a completely different approach! There is no one answer.


Yeah, NRE -- in our relationship we call it "twinkle-dust". All that sweet, tender excitement is hard not to rave about. Again, awareness is key: she ought to know what is happening, and that it happens with any good new relationship, and that it doesn't stay in the race the way a meaningful, deep love does. It's good to notice it and chuckle about it -- "Boy, I sure have got twinkle-dust all over me right now."

LovingRadiance 03-12-2010 06:50 PM

My bf has..... a larger package than my husband.
I have expressed my deep enjoyment of the experience of that inside of me....

But that could NEVER replace what my husband can do for me.

I know-it's VERY hard to believe, when you feel like you are on the "negative" side of an equation. But the truth is an equation is equal on both sides, usually both sides are VERY DIFFERENT, but they are EQUAL or they wouldn't be an equation.

It's all well and good to note what your metamours do that your significant other enjoys. HOWEVER-it is JUST as important to note your OWN attributes that your significant other enjoys.

I know for me, I LOVE... crazy fast, hard sex. BUT-I am NOT able to do that with the bf, because his package is too much for that. We can have slow, romantic, loving sex, but there are DEFINITE limits beyond that.
However-with my husband, I can do both! AH the joys!!!

Ultimately it comes down to you-you need to understand that MEN identify their manhood through the size of their package, but WOMEN do NOT identify manhood in their men, through the size of those mens packages.

As GS asked another poster, what are YOUR positive qualities? Start focusing on them!!!!! If you REALLY put your mind to the matter in doing that, you will find that there are things that she loves about you that are just as important if not MORE important to her than the size of your tool........

MonoVCPHG 03-12-2010 07:38 PM

I am one of those guys that thinks about the difference in penis size..but what I find interesting is that we don't see women come on here worried about the size of thier vaginas :eek: There are differences but women aren't near as hung up on it as some of us guys it seems.

MonoVCPHG 03-12-2010 07:44 PM

I just realized something...if you're big enough you wouldn't notice the difference in vagina size...aww crap! Nobody say a word! :mad:

vandalin 03-12-2010 07:45 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 23959)
I am one of those guys that thinks about the difference in penis size..but what I find interesting is that we don't see women come on here worried about the size of thier vaginas :eek: There are differences but women aren't near as hung up on it as some of us guys it seems.

I think that is because women don't have a daily reminder of the size of our vaginas like a man does his penis. Heck it's easier for a male to measure their parts than a female, unless the female really wants to stick a ruler up there...anyone know of a round dildo shaped ruler?

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