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-   -   Releasing some NRE (and looking for your thoughts) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2299)

CFstasha 03-11-2010 09:20 PM

Releasing some NRE (and looking for your thoughts)
Tomorrow I'm going off on my first weekend away with Shiny New BF and I can barely contain my excitement. Which is exactly the problem. My husband and BF's primary partner (my dear friend) know we're excited, but we're trying to keep the squeals and squees to a minimum around them, out of respect. We're also still keeping this on the down-low among our friends while we figure things out logistically, concentrating on our group dynamic before we bring everybody into the picture, so I am BURSTING with energy that I can't really share with anyone. (Friends know we're spending the weekend together as friends, but they have no idea we're exploring a formal relationship.)

This is a huge change for me. While we're still planning on taking babysteps through this, momentum is a factor and the fact is I haven't really been intimate with someone else (nor have I wanted to be) in the seven years my husband and I have been together. I feel completely comfortable with BF, especially since I know everything's out in the open, but I can't shake the feeling that I have to seize the moment, that this might be my only chance to be close to him.

It's rooted in this fear that I'm going to come home and my husband is going to say that he can't handle it. I have this horrible vision of him kissing me when I come home on Sunday and saying he can't stop picturing me kissing BF, that something has changed or whatever. I think it's all part of the "too good to be true" aspect of all this, that both he and BF's girlfriend have been nothing but completely supportive of us hooking up from the moment we brought up our Feelings. This is all just falling into place too damn smoothly.

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for when I know what I need to do is just breathe, relax, and enjoy this time. Can anybody relate to what I'm feeling and offer words of wisdom? I feel like once we get home and everything's cool I'll be able to accept that it's cool and move on from the "too good to be true" thing. I hope, anyway.

And, lastly, OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I'M SO EXCITED OMG!!!! :: breathes ::

NeonKaos 03-11-2010 09:33 PM

It could very well be that what you just said could happen. Nothing wrong with being realistic.

Have a great weekend!

RickPlus 03-12-2010 01:08 PM

Hi CFstasha,
You need to sit down and TALK to your husband! Reassure him a LOT that he means the world to you. Explain NRE (new relationship energy) is making you giddy. Let him know that you are worried it might be too much for him to take. Ask him if there is something you can do to help him. Maybe schedule a 'just the two of you together' night when you get back where you give him a massage and pamper him. On your special night I would not talk a lot about how wonderful the new guy is.

This man has set you free! Surely the enthusiasm and giddiness you are enjoying is largely of his making and he deserves to enjoy the wonder you are feeling in a very special way!

Likewise, talk to your new boyfriend and advise him to likewise pamper his primary when he gets home. It sounds like you have something wonderful. But now is also a time to take care of your original relationships carefully.

Good luck. Warm regards, Rick.

CFstasha 03-12-2010 03:16 PM

Oh, make no mistake, my husband knows how grateful I am and I'm making doubly sure he feels not only not forgotten while I'm away, but well-thought of throughout. My marriage continues to be my priority, and I know Shiny New BF has caring for his girlfriend down to a science. But there's excited (and he knows I'm excited) and there's squeaky teenage girl giddy, which I thought might be a tad overkill. ;) we've been communicating well through the whole process, though, which is why I think everything is going SO well.

After talking some more again before I left I feel confident I'm going to not only have an awesome time, but will go home to even more kisses and snuggles. Feeling like one lucky girl right about now!

EugenePoet 03-13-2010 12:42 AM

Hey, 7 years of accepting that non-monogamous behavior equals cheating is a long time. To me -- and mind you, I'm only a few months into a poly relationship -- even though I am non-jealous and anti-possessive on my end my subconscious still kicks up and worries about how she will feel when I go out with someone else.

I guess I have to watch out for feelings coming at me from unexpected quarters, because all the people I am inside are not unanimous in every way. For me the insecurities always give me hell; for you maybe it's something else.

But I think that with the exception of maybe the Dalai Lama we all have a few irrational anxieties. Have fun and trust both your guys!

korindino 03-13-2010 05:08 PM

I agree with EugenePoet.

Personally, I don't identify as poly, or as mono. I just happen to be a person who enjoys making emotional and physical connections--and sometimes they're monogamous, sometimes they're not (like the wonderful poly relationships I have now.) Because I cycle between the two, I often find myself feeling limited in mono relationships, and when I'm in poly ones, I find myself wondering things like, does it bother Jenny to come home from work and find me in bed with Alex? I think it's the nature of polyamory in this society where so many songs, books, and movies emphasize the need for "the one" and that any sexual or emotional intimacy outside a primary relationship is "cheating." There's no easy way around it, and it might be that devil on your shoulder for a while.

All you can do is be open with your husband, encourage him and your good friend to give honest feedback, and try your hardest to make him feel special, singular, and important when you're with him and not with SNBF. There may be some jealousy issues, but as time goes on and you all become more comfortable with the idea, these things will subside.

In the meantime, though, do enjoy your NRE. It's hard when you want to explode and tell everyone how happy you are, especially when you don't think half your friends will understand it, and the other half won't be okay with it. I think that's why some of us are here--at least on these forums you have a place where you can express your happiness unabashedly. So go ahead, and squee as much as you need to, hon. The internets are listening.


saudade 03-13-2010 07:18 PM

CFstasha, it sounds like everything's going well, so I'll just say congrats! ::jumps on your behalf:: Enjoy it!

In cahoots,

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