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-   -   How do I make my friends respect my polyamorouse lifestyle? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22984)

DiCandy 04-10-2012 05:11 PM

How do I make my friends respect my polyamorouse lifestyle?
 
Ok!!! So! I am really new to the forum, I found it some time ago and well, had not really joined for one reason or another, so this is my story, I am 22 years old, yeah quite young if you put it that way, I had been in a monogamous relationship for 6 almost 7 years, things with that guy ended, and I realized that I had changed, I no longer fancied monogamy because indeed I had never felt like sex was that of a big deal, for me, the commitment with your spouse goes beyond the sexual connection, so anyway I remained single for like a year, and in that year I became a swinger, it was easy and it was fun for me, I didn't know anything about polyamory, it was completely new to me, but I wanted all that polygamy stands for, I wanted to be able to have a lover who I compliment, who understands me, and who doesn't judge me for who I go to bed with... So I met my actual husband last year on June, he is 15 years my senior, and well he's always been a swinger, he doesn't consider himself a polygamous but he practices it.... So we started a relationship, it was more like friends with benefits at first, but things started getting serious and we fell in love, he is completely perfect with us having different sexual partners and so am I...

The problem comes when my friends, there are my two best friends, who basically hate everything we have, they say we are playing, and that we are not serious about the whole relationship... the thing is that he and I are expecting a baby, I am near to be 4 months pregnant and well, I am constantly having this problem with my friends because they believe that my husband and I are not taking this relationship serious...

My big question is... what do I do to make my friends understand where I am coming from??? or maybe the right question should be, should I allow my friends to get in my personal business the way they do?? I mean until which point is your friend's opinion really important in your lifestyle...

thanks for reading!!!!

;)

nycindie 04-10-2012 05:27 PM

You can't "make" your friends do anything. If they don't or won't want to see and understand your point of view, there is nothing you can do about it. However, you can stand up for yourself if you feel they are being overbearing with their opinions, judgmental, or invasive.

Basically, you say, "I appreciate your concerns for me, but I don't feel that you are trying to see my side of things. Unless you are willing to be open-minded, this subject will be off-limits from now on. And if you continue to bark at me and judge me, we might not be friends anymore. I don't want that to happen, so please do a little reading about polyamory and ask me questions if you want to know what makes me happy."

And just because they are your friends now doesn't mean they have to stay your friends forever. Choose the people who are supportive and nurturing to be your friends, and let go of the ones that act like assholes.

LotusesandRoses 04-10-2012 07:42 PM

My best friend is a firm monogamist, and I love her to death. She happens to disagree with some of my lifestyle choices, but she's still my friend, and when it comes to key issues, like honesty, loyalty, and friendship, we're on the same page. If she thinks my behavior is slutty, that's fine. I don't like everything she does, and I know she's going to straight shoot me and cares for me. I don't let her opinion on one thing effect an otherwise wonderful, rich friendship. I suggest you do the same.

CielDuMatin 04-10-2012 10:54 PM

I agree with the other answers - true friends accept you for who you are and are happy that you are happy. If they can't, then they're not as close friends as you maybe thought they were.

Set some boundaries, and limit how much they are in your life. Maybe they will eventually see that this is a serious thing after all and that they were wrong, maybe they will drift away.

Friends are our support mechanism, sometimes more than family - it's really important to have friends who support our happiness.

KyleKat 04-10-2012 11:09 PM

One of my best friends believes I am a sinner and doing wrong by God by allowing this lifestyle and called my wife a slut. It can be challenging for sure. Don't let them dictate your life. Who cares how serious you're taking the relationship. It's your relationship. Tell them to mind their own.

Qarzan 04-11-2012 01:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 132130)
Choose the people who are supportive and nurturing to be your friends, and let go of the ones that act like assholes.

Freaking awesome quote, NYCindie.

CielDuMatin 04-11-2012 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KyleKat (Post 132167)
One of my best friends believes I am a sinner and doing wrong by God by allowing this lifestyle and called my wife a slut. It can be challenging for sure.

I guess that for me, someone saying that would make them no longer my best friend. Can't see how those are compatible.

DiCandy 04-11-2012 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 132130)
You can't "make" your friends do anything. If they don't or won't want to see and understand your point of view, there is nothing you can do about it. However, you can stand up for yourself if you feel they are being overbearing with their opinions, judgmental, or invasive.

Basically, you say, "I appreciate your concerns for me, but I don't feel that you are trying to see my side of things. Unless you are willing to be open-minded, this subject will be off-limits from now on. And if you continue to bark at me and judge me, we might not be friends anymore. I don't want that to happen, so please do a little reading about polyamory and ask me questions if you want to know what makes me happy."

And just because they are your friends now doesn't mean they have to stay your friends forever. Choose the people who are supportive and nurturing to be your friends, and let go of the ones that act like assholes.

Thanks so much for your input actually your reply has made my day, it was exactly what I thought but I was in an inner battle I didn't want my friends to believe I didn't care or that I no longer care for them, but at the end I realized that I am caring much more for what they got to say rather than what truly makes me happy

DiCandy 04-11-2012 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses (Post 132148)
My best friend is a firm monogamist, and I love her to death. She happens to disagree with some of my lifestyle choices, but she's still my friend, and when it comes to key issues, like honesty, loyalty, and friendship, we're on the same page. If she thinks my behavior is slutty, that's fine. I don't like everything she does, and I know she's going to straight shoot me and cares for me. I don't let her opinion on one thing effect an otherwise wonderful, rich friendship. I suggest you do the same.

This is exactly what I'll do, I've started talking to them well those are two girls, and they are my best friends, they say that my husband will leave me in three years with the baby and alone, because according to them I give him too much freedom :rolleyes:

DiCandy 04-11-2012 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin (Post 132165)
I agree with the other answers - true friends accept you for who you are and are happy that you are happy. If they can't, then they're not as close friends as you maybe thought they were.

Set some boundaries, and limit how much they are in your life. Maybe they will eventually see that this is a serious thing after all and that they were wrong, maybe they will drift away.

Friends are our support mechanism, sometimes more than family - it's really important to have friends who support our happiness.

Actually you are right, the two friends who were against me are like my two sisters I've known them for 5 years now and recently is that we have started to have problems... I am setting new boundaries in this friendship, thanks so much for your opinion :p


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