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-   -   Frustrated M/F Couple (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22968)

lovingcouple209 04-09-2012 09:05 PM

Frustrated M/F Couple
Okay, so we are new to this forum, and any forum for that matter.
We are here because we need feedback.

We started this journey almost 2 years ago (this Nov.). We both decided that polyamory is something we want to have in our lives. Rather it be just a meaningless threesome, we decided we want to share our relationship with another woman; A BBW; that it would be something long-term, a woman with whom we can care for and appreciate. We are a very loving couple and simply want to share our love and affection with a woman and be a triad relationship. At the time, it didn't seem like to much to ask for, but we've hit a wall.

We feel like we've been through it all, except the relationship part. Countless dates with women, frazzled nerves, our daily (sometimes 4x daily) rituals of searching craigslist, dating sites, polyamory dating sites, flirting w/ women in public, inviting them to our home, numerous lunch/dinners, sacrificed friendships, 60 mile trips are just some of the things we have experienced.

For every woman we have talked to, a seemingly solid connection is made we end up talking for a week or two...and then all the sudden "BAM"! They ALWAYS flake out. With almost always the lamest excuses; "I overslept/fell asleep", "I'm too tired", "busy with others", there's a problem with our ages (after they were well aware of our ages when we met or had been talking to for a week), superficial/ shallow, or they have a bad attitude/not nice people. Or Women who are CLEARLY only looking for sex, but put up a front and lie, and pretend that they want a relationship/friendship first.

So clearly we are being lied to our faces, and we can't figure out whats wrong with us, and it just feels like we aren't going to find someone who wants what we want. We are always up front, and honest and respectful to everyone we meet or talk to, and we can't get any respect or honesty from anyone we've talked to. :confused:

One of the things that is important to us, is that we have studied and researched this type of relationship. We are a couple of old souls who are ready and willing to handle this. We have both realized that being polyamorous in our marriage with another woman is something we welcome and have learned about ourselves.

We just feel frustrated and like we are stuck in a rut, and feel like we are never going to achieve this.

Alleycat 04-09-2012 11:40 PM

Hate to wear the harsh hat; but get used to it.
The flake-outs, the rejections, the occasional wasted times, the DTF-but-thats-it types, etc. All of it.
Failed startups to any relationship poly or otherwise are the norm, doubly so if relying on the internet to meet someone worthwhile, and doubly so on top of that if you are unicorn hunting.

I'll agree the process can seem like an endless cycle of more and more dissapointing horseshit, but it does occasionally pay off.

In my experience the one thing that can easily scare off potential partners is overeagerness, or rather obvious overeagerness. Which is to say if you do meet someone that has the potential to meet all your requirements and wants, keep in mind they may not be so sure that the two of you are exactly the situation they want to be involved with. Happens to everyone, it's nothing wrong with either of you, it's just getting someone over the ingrained default of monogamy is a difficult hurdle.

So cheers to the both of you and good luck.
Relax and thing will get easyer, and remember that one never finds a unicorn by hunting them, one finds a unicorn by accident normally ;)

lovingcouple209 04-10-2012 12:14 AM

Hi Alleycat! We definitely are at the endless cycle part of this lol. It has gotten a lil easier for us in not expecting too much when we hear from someone new. It's true that maybe we have been a lil overeager in the past but we are only human :) We are a married couple that definitely want a triad with a woman and we will definitely have open arms when she finally decides to show herself to us. Thanks for the advice and well wishes!:)

LotusesandRoses 04-10-2012 01:11 AM

Dating is hard whether you're dating as a single person or a couple. Unfortunately, sometimes people meet us and they decide we're not their cup of tea. Such is life, bud.

lovingcouple209 04-10-2012 01:28 AM

Very true, dating can be a pain. More so when you are Polyamorous, we can definitely scare off people with that. But your right, such is life. We just have to soldier on!:)

nycindie 04-10-2012 01:50 AM

It will likely be easier and infinitely more successful if you each date separately rather than as a couple.

Alleycat 04-10-2012 01:56 AM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 132051)
It will likely be easier and infinitely more successful if you each date separately rather than as a couple.

I would disagree.

As a unicorn hunting pair you are either exotic or a novelty.

It's always better to be exotic than a novelty, and I find a triad is more emotionally rewarding than a V. A V is easyer for sex only in my experience.

lovingcouple209 04-10-2012 02:02 AM

We might be able to see more people and have more options but that kinda goes against what we are hoping for! We are doing this as a couple and not really separately. That's part of us doing this, is the journey more or less in finding someone together. We know she is out there for us. It's just a headache at times :)

lovingcouple209 04-10-2012 02:09 AM

We agree with you Alleycat, we probably fit in the Exotic category. Purely because we both want this and see ourselves in a Triad and not a V. We both want a woman to be an equal with both of us! We dream of the emotional reward we will get from this and that will definitely make the sex that much better when we get to that!:)

km34 04-10-2012 02:27 AM

I see couples ALL THE TIME looking for a woman that wants to date both. How would you classify yourselves as different from those other couples?

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