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-   -   Difficulty in New Dynamic (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2296)

LovingRadiance 03-10-2010 10:47 PM

Difficulty in New Dynamic
 
So-
I'm having a struggle-this may get long, I'm sorry.

One of the odd things in our situation is that all of my friends are also friends with GG. But not all of his friends are mine. Some of them I've never met, some just don't like me, though they really don't KNOW me.

Maca really doesn't have any "friends". He socializes with a couple co-workers in summer (fishing) and fall (hunting), he has a brother and he talks to my bil.

GG has one group of "friends" (guy friends) who hate me. Two are his younger brothers. The others are friends. These guys have spent YEARS hanging out as a group. They play RPG's, party, smoke pot, drink, whatever.

I've known GG longer than all of the guys in this group except for his two brothers and one who was his boss when we met.

So-the boss met GG and I at roughly the same time (we both got jobs in the same place within a few days of one another). At that time I was an 18 yo mother and very much in a self-destructive, "men are scum" revenge mode as far as dating goes. GG was a COMPLETELY innocent 17 year old. His boss told him he needed to stay away from me, because I'd play him and leave him broken in my path.

Pretty much that was true-except that in MY eyes he was a boy, not a man. I differentiated between the two, because I ADORED my baby brother. GG was so innocent-there was no mistaking that he wasn't out hurting women with his exploits, so I never went there.

He fell for me, and I held him at bay. A variety of reasons not pertinent to THIS issue.

He and his boss became friends, and this group of guys formed in the years following. For reasons only guys would understand I was brought up in discussion during their "hanging out".
Mind you-GG and I remained VERY close friends through all of this. It was COMMON for him to spend the night with me. He took vacation time to spend time with me, we went out with my daughter together, we went out with whoever I was dating together, we went out alone together-all of the time.
But I was never involved in ANY activity that included these guys.

After his brothers were grown, they joined in the group of guys (up to this time I got along well with both of them). At that point it became obvious that they suddenly thought I was a piece of crap. They became downright rude and disrespectful and it became evident that there was a WHOLE story that I was missing details about.

One particular day GG called me, sick as a dog. He'd gone home from work early and was MISERABLE. I told him I'd come by, pick up a tape I wanted to borrow and drop off some oj and soup.
When I got there, the oldest of the brothers was there and told me GG was in bed and "he doesn't want any company". Having JUST gotten off the phone with him I knew it was b.s. I told him I knew damn well he was in bed. I walked through the door, under his arm and proceeded (with him telling me I had no right) down the hall to GG's room.
I found him as expected miserable and in bed. I sat on the edge of the bed, brushed his hair out of his face, kissed his forehead, checked his temperature, found the c.d. dropped off the stuff I took him and just ran my fingers over his back gentle (the way he likes) until he passed back out again. Then I left in silence.

After that it was common when I would call for one or another of the guys answer the phone and attempt to give me a line of reasons why I couldn't talk to GG. It didn't go over well with me and eventually I got pretty rude and demanding. In all of this-GG and I were STILL spending time together and socializing like NOTHING had changed between us, so there was no reason to believe he had anything to do with their behavior.
I had already figured out-and talked with him about the fact that they thought I was "using him" (no idea what FOR as we weren't dating, he wasn't babysitting for me, giving me money, sex etc) and that I was just a "stupid bitch" or "whore" or whatever.

So-here we are NOW; he's my boyfriend in a polyamorous relationship. We're in a V with my husband Maca (I being the hinge)...
One of the guys has since made "peace" with me and Maca and knows all of this.

The rest have not and do not.

The one who does is pushing to "rebuild" the friendship between GG and the others (he moved in with us 7 yrs or so ago and their socializing dropped off significantly because we live 45 min away in another town)....

So he wants to start up a D&D night for them. He's invited my 10 year old (whose not going) and Maca....

Saturday Maca and GG are going to go hang out, set up the game, start playing etc....

So my issue is that I think it's TOTAL BULLSHIT that they are even GOING without GG having FIRST taken the guys (one by one) aside, explained to them that I AM his girlfriend and that if they are going to rebuild a friendship then they will have to be RESPECTFUL of me in that role.
I don't care if we (they and I) are never "friends".

But I DO care about them hanging out with GG if they are going to continue talking shit about me behind my back.

I have even BIGGER issues with Maca getting involved at all (he doesn't even KNOW these guys at this point) if they are going to be doing that shit.

There is no issue with the 10 year old, I'm mom, and I said no way.

But am I "off" in my thoughts/expectations with GG and Maca?

I can't even identify a specific emotion right now. I feel numb..... It's been bothering me for a few weeks. I've been waiting to see what was going to come of it, and to try to analyze my emotions. But... well I guess I need input, cause I'm not getting very far....

NeonKaos 03-10-2010 11:27 PM

I hate to say this, it sounds so simple and yet so much like a cliche... those guys can sense how important you are to GG and that his bond with you is stronger than his bond with them... or just different in a way they will never know... and:

THEY. ARE. JUST. JELLUS.

The end.

MonoVCPHG 03-11-2010 12:45 AM

POSITIVE ALERT! POSITIVE ALERT!

Hey LR, let's not focus on the negative for a moment and think about the positives....you're men are hanging out socially!! :D

This could be the start of something that bonds them! Think about it, no one is probably going to bad mouth you with both your men there, I'm thinking that would not be in their best interests at all.

I'm going to agree with Ygirl..the guys are jealous but I do think this could be a turning point not to sound to optimistic :)

Woohoo!!

Ariakas 03-11-2010 01:02 AM

I am just gonna throw this out there. It might not be jealousy. They may well have been trying to protect him. While misplaced, its not a bad thing. Sounds like it was handled improperly though. If the wounds can be healed, they could end up a very tight knit group of friends. I would rather have friends like that than what I got stuck with in the past.

I was with a woman 7 years. AFTER we broke up everyone told me how bad she was for me, what a rotten woman she was (I met her when I was 17 and she was 23). This is family and friends. None of them bothered to try and approach me during the relationship. I'll take his friends over my ex-friends anyday. ;) :)

LovingRadiance 03-11-2010 01:15 AM

Yeah Ariakas-

That would make sense for the one who was his boss.

But his brothers KNEW me, we went to church together, the whole family knew me.

The others don't know me from tea in China and likely wouldn't recognize me if they saw me in the grocery store.

I am all for them resolving the issue and being a tight knit group of friends.

BUT-
I think there is a right and a wrong way to go about it.

I don't think that going and hanging out, playing nice and saying nothing, then coming home (where they know I am) and turning around a week later to tell them that there are things that they need to change about themselves in order to be friends is going to accomplish anything but making them think that I "made" him put those rules/boundaries in place.

It would be more RESPONSIBLE in my opinion-generally AND to me and our family specifically- to be upfront BEFORE going to socialize with them.
It's not like none of these people have phones. Nor is it like the invite was presented this week.

He's had years and since the invite-he's had a month that he could have called and said "hey we need to talk, when can you and I get together?".

His take is that he will go "feel them out" Saturday, then if he thinks it's "worth it" he'll call and make arrangements to talk to them.......


Did I mention-this has been an ongoing issue (them hating me) for 14 years and I haven't left. I'm not going anywhere. My youngest child is his biologically-we're family and we're raising 4 kids. These people aren't new to the realization that this is a serious relationship-what they are new to is that we are officially a couple now.

I don't know-I think it's shitty on his part not to stand up and handle things from the get go.


(Mono-yes there is that. I know that. That's the ONLY reason I haven't stepped in and thrown a fit thus far)

Ariakas 03-11-2010 03:25 AM

Fair enough, 14 years of blindness sucks. Hopefully this meetup is the beginning of the healing, hopefully it doesn't end up being too little to late :) Communication doesn't come easily for a lot of people.

Good luck and I hope it all works out :)

redpepper 03-11-2010 07:44 AM

I see a lot of good in this event happening... the two of them can not only bond socially, but also come to your defense socially.

Some men just don't like strong, determined women it seems. It just doesn't seem to sit well that women like you are seemingly "calling the shots" where your men are concerned. Of course this is largely bullshit as it is all a balance of give and take, but they probably don't see that.

Some men like their women to just play along with their needs and not have any of their own... having two men in your life is like the complete opposite to what they are comfortable with. I think I understand how you feel in this situation. It's like an itch you can't scratch almost. There is nothing to do but trust your men to take care of the situation as it comes up I think.

GroundedSpirit 03-11-2010 01:48 PM

Hi LR,

Well............

I'm surprised from what I've read here that this hasn't surfaced before.
In case it's any value, let me see if I can explain some of it from the male perspective.

There's this whole "male bonding" thing that exists for many men. Although it's not something I've ever had need for in my life to any degree personally, I've seen it A LOT with other friends - including one of my own sons. Not going to try to analyze it here as it's pointless. Enough to acknowledge it's existence - and importance for some men. I think some women experience it too, but it seems to be in smaller numbers.
I may even go out on a limb and credit a certain percentage of it to maturity - or lack of. Probably get spanked for that but it is what it is !

Now, it's a bit of a growth process for guys that seem to need this. At some point, their life seem to fill (or not) with other things that relistically need to take priority. Maybe wives/GFs, children, job responsibility, changes in interests etc. And it passes. But not without pain it seems. There's a period there where they feel they are being pulled in multiple directions and what does THAT cause ? Pressure! So it can be an turbulent time, emotions can become unstable, thinking muddy and decisions.........well........unpredictable.

I always relate it to some of those growing up phases that we all hit at various times in our lives. Somehow we (most) seem to get past them. Like milestones.

And of course, the "group" depending on their levels of maturity, lifestyles etc don't want to let go ! So there's quite a lot of pressure on anyone who seems to be prioritizing otherwise. It's ugly - really. Borders on Jr High level of peer pressure :(

So, question is - what's your 'sensible' and prudent reaction ? I suspect you know :)
You have to trust his ability to reason clearly, empathasize with the position he's in, try to be supporting and loving. How you do this depends on his personality. I like to try to keep things light - bordering on humorous. But that can exacerbate issues with people sensitive to it.

And I wouldn't hesitate to express to him that you 'know' the dynamic, that these guys have NO respect or love for you, and that you trust him to not let them grind you into the carpet when you can't be around to defend yourself. Only simple respect - right ? That 'should' be nuff said ?

Beyond that, you can't handle the relationship like you would a child. He's a big boy. If he's going to be that easily influenced by other people in his life, you may as well find it out now and confront it. And HE needs it as part of his growing up process. It's all about making decisions & setting priorities in our lives. This is a bridge he has to cross eventually. In general, the sooner the better. For you all.

Good luck and keep us posted !

GS

Ilove2men 03-11-2010 04:02 PM

I completely agree with GroundedSpirit. Sit tight LR and have faith that both of your men will handle this appropriately. It seems like you want them to prevent it this time around. The problem with that is years have passes and these men may have grown a bit in their own lived and may be less inclined to be involved in other people's lives. By them having a just in case talk you might end up getting exactly what you don't want.. Being under the magnifying glass again. So maybe give both your men and these other men the benefit of the doubt.

Something happened over the weekend with my boyfriend and his "brother." Including my boyfriend there are 5 "brothers" , friends that turned into family.
The one he is closest with decided it was time for him to voice his distaste for me. It went along the lines of I'm playing him ect ect ect at the end of the rant he said "if I see her again I will spit on her and if she's close enough I would hit her."

As soon as the words left his mouth my bf stood up and left. The next morning he went back a rwturned the sword that was a gift and told him to save it for his son. It was a HUGE statement. His friend admits he would never hit a woman, but he's not sorry about any of it. They haven't spoken since. The door is open and we are waiting for him to see the err of his ways, but we can't force it. The whole point is it's one thing to not like someone else but you can still show respect. I knew nothing about what happened until it was final, but I would have figured that we would make excuses for his friend because he loves him so much.. But he did the right thing all on his own. No push from me. Take a deep breath LR and have some faith in your boys

Ilove2men 03-11-2010 04:14 PM

uhoh! I'm on my new phone and it won't let me edit and it's got a teeny weeny keyboard! I'll try to get on tonight to fix my horrible typos.


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