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-   -   New and Issues already (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2294)

vidar 03-10-2010 04:22 PM

New and Issues already
 
Hi there, let me start by giving a background before my question.

I'm quite new to Poly, but have been around it for quite some time. Recently I started dating someone who also has been around Poly for a long time. She was a secondary in a relationship prior to meeting me. When we got together we discussed that, and she ended up not seeing her other partner anymore. I didn't request that, didn't even hint at it. I was cool with her seeing someone else.

I also was in a relationship with someone. Not a physical relationship (it was, but then we drifted apart that way). My new partner and I considered it an active relationship and talked to her about it as well. We all agreed everything was good.

That was about a year ago. Now, in the last few months, I became attracted to a friend of mine. She felt the same, but wasn't sure about the poly thing. I explained it as best I could to her, and she got the idea. We talked with my "primary" partner as well, and everything seemed good. We laid down some ground rules and all was going well.

Well, I used past tense there for a reason. My "primary" is bi, and therefore has no issues touching, cuddling, kissing or anything else with my new partner. HOWEVER. My new partner is not really into that. She wants to be dating ME, not my partner. She's having a hard time expressing that to my partner for fear that she will lose me in the deal. I don't want to lose her either, but I'm sure things can be worked out quite well.

My "primary" is now concerned that she's standing in the way of my new girl and I having a fabulous relationship. I must say, I've seen that myself too. I want to have a deeper relationship with my new girlfriend, but I can never seem to get "alone" time with her. It always ends up being all three of us, which makes 2 out of the 3 of us uncomfortable.

There are many other issues in this primary relationship that are going to have to be addressed, but at this point, I'm not ready to address some of them. I almost want to end the primary relationship and take on my new girlfriend full time, in a monogamous way.

I'm fine with the poly lifestyle, but it sure isn't easy.

korindino 03-10-2010 05:18 PM

No one ever said polyamory was for the faint-hearted. ;)

My word of advice is this: if your primary loves you, and you love her as much--and if she's aware that her actions are making your relationship with the new girlfriend strained, then she needs to back off from your girlfriend and realize that the likelihood is this: you will always be a vee, and not a triad.

However, at the same time, your post betrays something deeper--you mention issues in the primary relationship, and you say you want to become monogamous with the new girlfriend. Is this still NRE talking? Because that's not usually what it says.

The vibe I'm getting from this is that maybe, polyamory just isn't for you. It's not for everybody. What's most important right now is for you to sort out your feelings on the matter first. Do you really want an open relationship? Do you want your primary to seek her needs (with a woman) elsewhere entirely, or just separate from your relationship? Does new girlfriend meet all the needs your primary does for you? Can you meet her needs while still maintaining the primary relationship?

These questions are what you need to concentrate on at this time, because the bottom line is this: if you're acting without being certain of what you want, you're going to end up being unfair to both of these women who love you--and that's got to be the last thing you want.

Be well. <3

SchrodingersCat 03-13-2010 10:41 PM

Regarding the touching, your secondary just needs to tell your primary that she's straight. It follows automatically that she doesn't want a relationship with your primary. There's certainly nothing that says every poly relationship is bisexual. Whether she "loses you in the deal" is 100% up to you.

Regarding "alone time," I don't think it's your primary's responsibility to make sure you get alone time with your new girlfriend. That's up to you and your new girlfriend. Go on dates, go to her place, etc. If your primary is intentionally standing in the way or something, that's an issue that needs to be adressed.


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