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-   -   Possible 3rd Man... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22916)

IrisAwakened 04-07-2012 02:36 PM

Possible 3rd Man...
 
I have been in a polyamorous relationship since October, with my new beau and my husband of 7 years. It is going wonderfully, the two get along really well. My only complaint is that my beau lives so far away we only get to see each other 2x a week. I am just the kind of girl who sucks at long distance things, spoiled rotten by my husband always being there for me, it kills me to have to say goodbye to him every weekend.

Recently I began hanging out with a new guy friend. He is kind and funny, and I totally didn't see myself wanting to be with him. Now, after a few weeks of hangouts, I am completely crushing on him. I tried not to because I worried what my men would think. Also I worried if it was even a good idea.

After sitting on this idea for a week and finally communicating my feelings for my guy friend to my partners, they didn't react as badly as I expected. They were more concerned about me having enough time for them and not so much that I might have another partner.

Cart before the horse, I haven't even talked to my guy friend about these feelings I have newly found. I know he had romantic interest in me prior to dating my beau, so I am wondering if that is still true. Also, what kind of guy wants to date a married woman who already has one boyfriend?

Ok, so this really wasn't a question, but more of a request for support and ideas. I feel that in dating a third partner I will fill some of that loneliness that I am feeling from my beau living so far away. No idea if it will work out, but the least I can do is communicate my feelings and leave things up to him. Right?

Bunny 04-07-2012 02:48 PM

How do you have time? On top of having two kids? Do you work outside the home? I've been poly sense November. I have a Husband, a boyfriend and spending time with a friend that I have a crush on. I also work over 40hrs/week with a long commute. I feel like I don't have enough time in the day.

nycindie 04-07-2012 03:12 PM

I wonder why you think that seeing your boyfriend two times a week is not very often. I would be happy seeing a boyfriend that frequently, whether I had another partner or not. You live with your husband, see your beau twice a week, have two kids, and you are still lonely?

While I think it's perfectly fine to have as many lovers as you want, be careful if you are just wanting them to fill up some sort of lack or emptiness inside you.

One can be quite alone and never feel lonely. Yet here you are surrounded by loved ones and feeling that way. Before you pursue having another additional boyfriend, I would suggest you start examining your feelings that what you have is not enough and see where that comes from. Maybe take some time to be alone and see what emotions come up for you, and then ask yourself why. I would want to get to the root of the loneliness instead of trying to just comfort myself with a man's company.

NovemberRain 04-07-2012 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IrisAwakened (Post 131746)
After sitting on this idea for a week and finally communicating my feelings for my guy friend to my partners, they didn't react as badly as I expected. They were more concerned about me having enough time for them and not so much that I might have another partner.

Cart before the horse, I haven't even talked to my guy friend about these feelings I have newly found. I know he had romantic interest in me prior to dating my beau, so I am wondering if that is still true. Also, what kind of guy wants to date a married woman who already has one boyfriend?

I don't think it's cart before the horse at all. I am crushing on someone outside my vee, and wouldn't dream of going there (okay, maybe dream) without talking to my men about it. If it's going to upset them, why would I get him (3rd) involved?

It does sound very time intensive. I'm frustrated at only seeing my LDR once a month, but I think it is working well for both of us.

IrisAwakened 04-07-2012 03:45 PM

NYCindie- Thank you for your very accurate response. There might be something within me I am trying to fill in, but I think it is a little different. I am alone all day, the type of work I do I just drive around all day. I miss social contact outside of my business dealings (as I have no co-workers). In my marriage I spent the first six years spending no time outside of the house aside from work. I liked it, but I didn't realize how hermit-like I had become. It feels like now I am just realizing how human I am, how socially starved I am.

As for time, I have plenty. Most nights I just sit around on the computer. My husband is busy with his stuff, my kids are in bed and my beau is busy in his own life. One might think that hanging with some friends would be the cure, and that is what I set out to do...I just happened to find myself finding my friend completely attractive and awesome.

It is not a solution for the loneliness I feel deep within, but it is a wonderful opportunity to love another individual. As for the emptiness, I am working much on that, and it has much more to do with feeling fulfilled in my career/life path than needing more romantic attention.

dingedheart 04-07-2012 03:46 PM

Couldn't this end up being a catch 22 type thing. You add another partner to fill a gap which takes time from hubs and bf which causes them to want to fill that gap so they add partners which then cuts your time back...theorically where does it stop. And this is all center around the " mythic " needs not being met.

nycindie 04-07-2012 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IrisAwakened (Post 131755)
As for time, I have plenty. Most nights I just sit around on the computer. My husband is busy with his stuff, my kids are in bed and my beau is busy in his own life. One might think that hanging with some friends would be the cure...

Umm, no, not exactly. Why is husband busy and you are left to fend for yourself? What about reconnecting with him. Are you and Hubs going out on romantic dates together? Sexing each other up? Having quality time, massages, walks, heart-to-heart talks, and so on? Doing more together than paying bills and parenting? If not, why not?

If you and he both feel the foundation is rock-solid at home, and you can manage your calendar well (!), then I see no reason why you shouldn't pursue a romance with this friend of yours. It's possible to have three or more lovers, but you will need to be organized!

IrisAwakened 04-07-2012 09:14 PM

Very good points!

We are pretty happy with our relationship the way that it is (my husband and I), as we have talked about its current rhythms of it at great length. Organization is a big part of making multiple relationships work! very good advice. Currently we have days scheduled for each partner, and of course life steps in and things change, but we make do with Skype dates and my husband and I go out dancing a couple times a month. For the most part we are just happy cuddling in bed together.

My husband is very focused on creating a new business and it takes much of his time. I am very proud and supportive of this, but it is more helpful of me to not be underfoot during this time.

dingedheart 04-08-2012 05:09 PM

So your husband is no longer struggling and is on board with this?

"just happy cuddling in bed together" was this the driving reason in wanting outside partners.....the differences in sex drive and desire. Or is this a consequence hectic work schedules and needs being met elsewhere.


Any thought as to what happens after hubs gets his business established and running . Lets say 1-3 yrs down the rode and wants to reenter his life and marriage. Everyone will have a nice little routine.... expectations. How does that get negotiated...who takes the hit. Will it be like cutting in on a dance floor?

Windstar 04-08-2012 07:12 PM

"As for time, I have plenty. Most nights I just sit around on the computer. My husband is busy with his stuff, my kids are in bed and my beau is busy in his own life. One might think that hanging with some friends would be the cure, and that is what I set out to do...I just happened to find myself finding my friend completely attractive and awesome."


Hi Iris,

It sounds to me like you have the time and space, and your two guys are on the same page with you. So why not make a go of it? Do you want them all to meet, or do you have a green light simply based on them both trusting your taste in men and your character?

As long as your new guy friend will be able to handle you having two already established loving relationships and two children. I suppose if you just take it easy and enjoy the ride for all of its joys and dont rush anything, then you can "feel him out" and/or "test the waters" to see if both he and you can handle it. If done rightly, then you can always return to being friends and not lovers.


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