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-   -   advice and reassurance needed :( (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2290)

snarz 03-10-2010 05:07 AM

advice and reassurance needed :(
I'm 20 and just got into a polymorous relationship with my bf and his partner...
They have been together since they were 15, and are engaged, there was talk of me joining the relationship during janurary but she (despite always saying she wanted a poly relationship) freaked out and tried to stop him seeing me at all....many tears were involved, mostly mine and much shouting was done from her part....
But by this point i was already in too deep to back down, i was in love with him and desperately wanted him... anyways, we embarked on an affair, until i told him i couldnt handle the lies and told him he needed to choose....
Well on sunday he spoke to her, and told her it was very important to him that he could be with me. He made it clear he still wanted her but if she didnt want a poly relationship with him and i that she was welcome to leave, but he was sticking with me regardless. obviously he told her that nothing had happened b4. many would class that as victory to Sarah, but i feel confused. I feel guilty for causing trouble within their relationship (although as his best friend prior to this i knew they were unhappy anyway) I feel jealous of her, i feel scared that there well established relationship will just cause mine and his new, and therefore more fragile relationship to crumble.... I know that he wishes for her and i to get together as it were at a later date as well, but i think she probably hates me too much for that. and i have so many concerns about poly lifestyles, i mean how do i tell my parents, ive already come out (as bi) once and that was enough.... how do i tell our friends? im worried im always gonna be less important than her...
i just have so many concerns, but i feel like its worth it for him, cos i love him. hes my best friend, hes my rock, i need him i rely on him. without him id just crumble. and a big part of me just wants her to leave. but i really want to make this work.

can anyone offer me any advice on getting over the jealousy and anxeity (my GAD doesnt help with that....) i feel at the moment?

Sarah x

redsirenn 03-10-2010 05:13 AM

Well, I don't really have any advice for the relationship. But, for GAD, I understand.

Take a few deep breaths through your nose when you tense up. Try to feel the breath and put yourself in the moment. Otherwise panic ensues and it is IMPOSSIBLE to be rational once that happens.

All I can say, is try to manage your anxiety, because this type of relationship is like putting gas on a fire for people with GAD.... I know.

snarz 03-10-2010 05:27 AM

i have tried to talk to him about that, in terms of my GAD, but he doesnt seem to understand, he tries his best but i need constant reassurance and he always just says he feels he gives me that

redsirenn 03-10-2010 05:46 AM

I don't think you get what I am saying.

YOU have to learn to manage your anxiety, not try to get him to manage it for you.

There is a balance that you need to identify within yourself. That is, when something is the product of your anxiety, and when it is the product of the relationship. No one else can figure that out for you.

CielDuMatin 03-10-2010 02:00 PM

I am sorry to hear that you are in such a situation - I think that someone getting involved with a "newly poly" couple, no matter how they came into it, is very hard on that person, because the established couple need to work out what they want, and that can often change and be very emotional.

Lying is tough to deal with at the best of times, and in situations like this it's even harder. Any relationship, but especially poly ones, are about mutual trust - a sense of security can only come when everyone involved can trust each other. So from what you are saying I think there is a lot of building to do in that regard.

if you are uncomfortable with the lying (and I know I would be) then make sure that stops, in the sense that nothing happens that you have ot lie about, or be afraid you will get "caught" - put the lies in the past and don't make them worse.

And if I could recommend some further reading to you - there is a guy who writes many wonderful advice articles on poly called Franklin, and he has some good things to say about "secondaries", which it sounds like you are heading for. Check out his article at http://www.xeromag.com/fvsecondary.html where he talks about some of the things that you need to think about.

The rest of that site has some great reading as well - you might want to recommend it to all involved.

I really wish you luck on what seems to be a challenging path going forward.

snarz 03-11-2010 12:13 AM

the lying has stopped, he has told her, we are putting the past lies in the past and now everything is open.

i dont know if i want to be secondary. He always said he wanted us to be equal. In fact he said he was in love with me but was not in love with her anymore.

i dont know :(

redpepper 03-11-2010 07:28 AM

if you do a search for jealousy you might come up with some threads of here of how you might be able to deal with it. It's a powerful tool to help us understand what we are not getting that we need in life. It has a message, it's just a matter of finding it.

I think that sitting down with her and talking openly and honestly will help. Then also with your boyfriend. Maybe you can figure out how to be on the same page and still all be together. It takes a long time to establish well adjusted poly relationships. Be patient, compassionate and respectful and take one step at a time.

GroundedSpirit 03-11-2010 01:11 PM

Hi Snarz - and welcome !

Well, seems you're off to a bit of a rough start - but that's not atypical so I'd just chalk it up to the learning process and not get too much emotion involved with it. Like (I think Ciel said) learning to live this takes time - and some bumps & bruises.

But beyond that I'd suggest you REALLY focus on your GAD. That's really huge. Until you slay that beast it's going to impact everything in your life in a negative manner. Even little bumps will become mountains and it threatens to wreck anything positive you have going - work, school, relationships, you name it. I'd make that priority one above everything - including relationships. You already mention you are showing signs of possible dependency on your BF and trust me, there's nothing that will wreck an otherwise good relationship like dependency !

Work on YOU first - the rest will follow naturally.

We're here for you any way we can be :)


RickPlus 03-11-2010 06:48 PM

Hi all,
If people could define their abbreviations at least once, it would be easier for all of us.

Hi Snarz,
Welcome to the forums. :-)

If GAD means General Anxiety Disorder, then I totally agree with Grounded Spirit. This needs to be dealt with. Poly puts relationships under a magnifying glass. Good relationships feel even more wonderful but small weaknesses in relationships become bigger deals.

Best of luck, Rick

FitChick 03-14-2010 09:47 AM

Hi Snarz,I have a history of anxiety and depression and like the others said I really think if you aren't already getting some help with it,then it would be a really good idea to do so. Until I was well into recovery I wasn't able to sustain any kind of relationship let alone a poly one. I never even expected to fall in love with a poly man, but I have and although the anxiety can be overwhelming,having a history of anxiety disorders only compounds it. I am as recovered as I can be and the therapy also taught me how to communicate on a more open level with everyone in my life.

Has anyone ever taught you grounding and meditation? I find this a really helpful tool so you might like to explore it further...

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