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RockBird 04-06-2012 09:18 AM

I dont know if this is the right place but...
Hello Every one, I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this as this is a sorta me sharing a story and at the same time asking for some advice, I don't know if this is even the right website and I hope I don't offend in anyway. I guess I sort of just need a place to vent where i can speak freely without anyone judging the person just because they are interested in starting a poly relationship. I guess with that sort of out of the way I can start

When I first entered college I met this lovely girl for the first time, We had hit it off pretty well and everything was going swell, rather quickly i had told her that i was interested in her, As I had a tendency of dropping into the friend zone for my nature and cause i'm not the best looking coke bottle out there. well we hit it off and we starting the slow and enjoyable process of courtship, She was honest before we started dating that she had depression and ADD (clinically not just word of mouth) but I was smitten and for me no amount of work is too much for the person you care for.

well it certainly was quite some work. Her family also had depression and they really didn't teach her alot of things in the ways of manners or socializing, as opposed to my family which was all about how to present yourselves and how to handle yourself in public, but i took that all in stride, and after about 2 years she had learned the basics of how to handle yourself in large family gatherings. through it all I also helped her organize her studies as well as made sure she actually got her work done. all that sort of stuff, sure there where the occasional fights and arguments, but never anything large or big deal, we had said from the very start we would try to talk everything over and reach a calm conclusion without getting into heated arguments, and we had managed that...

I live in an apartment with my best friend from high school who i've known for about 5 years now, a truer friend you couldnt ask for and honest to boot, Whenver I'd have a tough time he would be the guy i would talk to and i would always be his helping hand whenever he had doubts. around 2 years into my relationship my gf told me privately that She thought she had feelings for my friend and felt horrible about them. she said she felt like she was betraying my trust and she did not know what to do. I calmed her down and told her that it's not her fault if she started getting feelings for some one else and stuff like that becouse we're young and these things can happen, I told her that I still loved her and that did not change anything, and if she really did want to continue these feelings that she had for my friend, she could break up with me, give me some time, then feel free to date him once i've managed to get used to the idea, (or go ahead and do it behind my back till i got used to it) because Hey, We're young and I refused to let two people i care about not have a chance to see if they have that sort of spark just because me and my then girl friend did not.

well she chose not to do this and we continued our relationship for another year, during this time she discovered polyamory and begin realizing that might be a way of life for her she didn't tell me that directly but she did talk about these people and asked me for my opinion, to which I responded, "Hey, If it makes them happy that's great, every one deserves a chance for happiness, doesn't seem like my cup of tea though."

well right at around our third year of being together my girlfriend told me that she has decided she does wish to try a poly relationship, with me and my best friend/housemate. she came to me with her reasons, how she's always felt that she would have to push away the people she liked when she liked some one else because she was afraid of being judged as well as how she thought she just wasn't thought i put so much effort into her that she thinks one person shouldn't have to go through with that, she said that her perfect type of relationship would be a poly v with her as the...er well the one with the two people, I apologize I'm not good with the specific's

I told her that if this was what she had realized that I had no right to stop her from her happiness, but that I could not be part of the poly, She asked me for many reasons and though i tried I couldn't really say a "strong enough reason" for her, even now i can't properly explain it myself. For me being Poly is similar to being bisexual Gay or lesbian, Perfectly ok and that person has all the right to find love in their own way, it's just not a path i myself am comfortable with. So i told her this and well for the most part it sucked all around, I still care for her very much, I did a lot for her but I know for sure a poly life isn't for me. She's told me that she's going to wait a few months (around 3-4 she told me) before she started actively flirting with my housemate, But I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal. Logically I'm happy that my ex managed to quickly find some one who would be willing to be in a poly v with her so quickly, and i know my friend is a good man who will make her happy, as well as the fact that my friend is a generally shy guy who normally doesn't even talk to girls that much... It's weird to feel so logically at peace yet so sad at the same time.

I know I'm young and that I'll find some one else, I don't wish to sound like a drama king about how life is horrible or anything like that. I know this is a rather large rant but Im unable to properly talk about this to anyone else in my life, most of my family don't really think that kind of stuff is appropriate and nor do most of my friends, And I don't wish to say anything that might risk my ex's comfort being around other people as she's not so sure about her wanting to tell every one she wants to try poly....so I came here where there are people who would not judge her based on her choices so i could simply rant about my feelings... any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.... I guess one of my main questions is... how should a mono who's ex became a poly with his best friend handle the fact that they will both be in his house for the majority of the time with him...Sorry I just needed a place to let this all out. sorry for the grammar mistakes.

CielDuMatin 04-06-2012 02:00 PM

First off, welcome RockBird. Thank you so much for coming here and sharing your story with us. I'm sure that are large chunks of it that resonate with the folks here.

These types of issues are really tough to deal with, and made even tougher when the people involved are folks you care so much about.

I'm going to ask you a question for clarification - maybe you already know the answer, maybe you don't and need to think about it - the idea is to get a better understanding of what is going on.

I strongly believe that we are "wired" the way we are, whether mono, poly or some variant - trying to "become" the other to try to make someone happy isn't going to work in the long run and is only going to cause unhappiness. So please don't feel badly that you can't "be poly" for this person. The fact that you know this in your heart is a major step - so many people are just confused and bounce around.

So, that having been said, when you say you are "not poly", does this mean that you wouldn't want to have a relationship with other folks, or does it mean that in addition to that you don't want your partner to have relationships with other people? There's a big difference between these, and the answer will obviously have big consequences.

If it's the first one, then your and her needs are fundamentally incompatible - that's not a slam on anyone - it's just a neutral fact. trying to have a relationship under those circumstances would probably be very unfortunate.

If it's the second one, then you could imagine yourself as part of a "V" with her and your friend.

Very different possible outcomes for that subtle question.

If you end up realising that this isn't for you, then you have every right to set some boundaries as to acceptable behaviour - it's your house and you have every right to be comfortable in your own home. Try to think of your boundaries - gauge your level of comfort on things like:
- Her coming over and visiting to watch TV with him
- Her cuddling on the couch with him while you are there
- Her staying the night with him
- Her and him having sex with him in his bedroom
- Her and him having sex in the living room

and so on. Some of these might be hard "no"s and some might be "I'm not sure". Once you get that worked out for yourself, you will need to talk with them about it at the right time.

Wanting everybody to be happy is a noble goal, as long as it doesn't come at the expense of your happiness, which wanders into the realm of co-dependence.

I wish you luck!

dingedheart 04-06-2012 03:04 PM

Time to find a new roommate or consider living on your own.

Why put yourself through that. You guys (old roommate) want to hang out and do stuff do it at your new place....simple clean. Why be a spectator.

RockBird 04-07-2012 12:14 AM

thank you for the kind words, I'm afraid that I don't think I am ok with being in a v, I've been trying to think of scenarios for weeks in my head but It just does not sit well for me, So I'm afraid we just aren't compatible. I thank you a lot for you telling me about the suggestions and making the house comfortable for me. I was so worried about all these other matters I haven't really manage to think about those parts more. I believe when the time comes for them to be an active couple I will try for these boundaries.

- Her coming over and visiting to watch TV with him: of course, they've been doing that before we broke up and she's usually around the house all day anyway doesn't bother me

- Her cuddling on the couch with him while you are there: I'd take this on a tentative basis. tell them it's o.k but if they could do it the majority of the time when im not around I mean i think i would be ok with them just laying around lazily hugging but not so sure about any intense cuddling action...

Kissing and the like: Honestly for awhile I'd rather not be around for that stuff... So I'd make sure to give them plenty of time to do that stuff when im not around. Get a hobby or some join some club where im not in the house as often (Just cause I don't like it doesen't mean im going to be a controlling jerk about it either =/)

- Her staying the night with him:She's only ever stayed the night at the apartment for an emergency regarding college neccesity So i wouldn't deny her that.

- Her and him having sex with him in his bedroom: Definitely when I'm not around but last i checked my friend had a vow of no sex till marriage, Again though up to them.

- Her and him having sex in the living room: Again if it happened, Then they wouldn't do it if they thought i even had the most remote of chance to be there, So if anything, when I've driven off to visit my family (Which i do once a week for 3 days) then yeah they can do whatever they want really.

I hope these don't seem to constricting but I just broke up with her recently and this is the best i can do for now.... Opinion?

And I am not in an economical position to even consider moving out.

RockBird 04-07-2012 08:05 PM

Well, I've put alot of thought into if or if not poly is for me, And I've come to a rather odd situation which I would like some suggestions with. I know that in the end, a poly relationship is not for me, I don't really want to have a long term relationship that is in that style. I think I can imagine myself doing it for awhile, but it just does not click for me as something I'd want to be doing for the rest of my life. So in an odd flip, I'd be ok with a short term poly relationship, but would prefer a long term mono one.

So I spoke with my ex about this, I told her that As much as I cared for her, In the end I would be unable to maintain a long term poly lifestyle. However, I did a lot of soul searching as well as some thought exercises to test how i'd feel (imagining her going out on dates with some one else and kissing me goodbye, imagining her going to her lovers room to have sex for awhile then coming back and spending an afternoon with me) I know those are odd things but i wanted to test how my brain reacted to those feelings. at first the images made me jealous but then i tried thinking about, Why? What does it matter what she does in her free time as long as she's safe, and fulfills my needs as a couple too. I never really needed much time in the relationship, a few hours together maybe, or just hanging out every once in awhile, she was the one who normally needed alot of attention, and hey I thought to myself, if she organizes it well she wont need me for all her needs and can divide it with her other's. after a few hours of thinking like that it didn't really hurt so much at all. however, I know that in the end I want to find that one person for me to settle with. I asked my Ex what she thought about that, and her response was that that was absolutely wonderful, She fully respected that in the end I'd want to enter a monogamous relationship and that until i found that special some one she would be more than happy to be with me, and that when I found that sort of person that we would stop any heavy relationship stuff and drop into a best friend routine. she even said that if the situation wouldn't work out, that we could go back to being what we where before. this is the situation as at stands now

We're pretty much lovers, with each of us being able to date other people, I'm ok with her being with other people (as long as when she becomes sexually active with them they get tested, Have to watch out for my health) and she's ok with knowing that if i find some one who's willing to be monogamos that we would cease relationship activities until further notice. She says this is better than she ever dreamed could happen and If it works well no one will have to be hurt.

As for what would happen if i was tempted or something when being in a mono relationship, For me it's very easy to shut does kind of feelings out, when I devote myself to one person every one else, no matter how beautiful or tempting, is just anouther person. Any thoughts or views would be greatly appreciated. thank you again.

Edit: Also we figured this would be good for her too becouse she would be able to find out if the boy who told her he was interested in poly really is ok with it, as he has never tried it before and is being rather hesitant about it.

second edit: I also might be ok with it BECAUSE he truly is one of my best friends in the world and I know he will take care of her and fufill her needs and not treat her bad, I don't think I would be as willing if i thought the other person would be a random guy i just met who would might have other people himself on the side, in fact, Im pretty sure that would terrify me. Like if I left and came back and she currently had 2 couples, I would probably not with to join until i really got to know the guy remarkably well... not sexually or stuff but as a person.

StarTeddy 04-07-2012 09:25 PM

Hello...I'm RockBird's ex-girlfriend/lover. I had posted before in this thread, at the beginning of our ordeal. I'm really happy with what's happened because it was extremely tough for both of us to make the transition from long-term relationship to friends. Right now I guess we're between friends and a relationship, and that's just fine with me, because even if we might not be together for the rest of our lives, that doesn't mean that we can't love each other right now. And if someday in the future he finds someone who is better suited for his lifestyle than I was, then making the transition from lover-friends to just-friends will be much easier.

After all the pain we've been through, I'm glad that we've come to a happy medium. He's really worked hard on this, more than most people would have. He definitely deserves a gold star for that. :)

CielDuMatin 04-08-2012 03:19 PM

Going through the "how would I feel if..." mental exercise can be a very valuable one - that was the reason I posted the questions that I did - get you thinking about things like this in concrete terms, to gauge how you feel.

It sounds like you have reached some very important pieces of self-knowledge through this. You know a lot better what you do and don't want, and that is personal growth. I am glad that in some small way we have been able to help.

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