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-   -   Is it actually possible to pickup mono girls off the street without being creepy? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22864)

yul 04-04-2012 11:36 PM

Is it actually possible to pickup mono girls off the street without being creepy?
 
Hello,

simple question...hard answer?

I usually have no problems whatsoever picking up girls when I am single. I have actually studied the question quite in depth and have always had great results...but now I am in a relationship.

There is this girl I am very interested in...she works in a place near my house.

We exchange glances every now and then but I have absolutely no clue how to go about meeting her and then having to explain I have a GF.

With all due respect, my GF is just getting comfortable with the idea of having a flexible relationship so I also don't want to go to hard on her also with my far fetched adventures.

Yet, I am genuinely curious about this other girl.

I would want to introduce myself but would also not want to come in as a typical flirt or anything like that...but it's not easy to go up to someone and not look like a flirt..

Any ideas please? Thanks!!!

DevotedGeek 04-05-2012 03:23 AM

For me, if I'm interested in someone that I know personally, then I've had good experience telling her openly about my feelings and situation. Worst case, she's flattered and we become/remain close friends. However, I don't have experience doing this with a relative stranger that doesn't know me already. In fact, I'm specifically interested in someone in my neighborhood, but I don't dare approach her because I don't know how she'll react, and I don't want to risk creating an issue in the neighborhood. (We still have to live there, after-all.) If we end up hanging out together and becoming friends, then I'll likely open up to her at that time, but otherwise I'm playing it safe because the stakes are too high.

Along that vein, I'd suggest talking with your GF about this, particularly if you haven't dated anyone else during your relationship with her, even if you don't pursue the other woman. That way, you can get a better understanding any concerns or needs she may have in order to feel comfortable with polyamory in general, and work together to address those needs prior to you ripping off the bandaid, so to speak. ;)

I'd be prepared to go slow and focus on building a solid relationship with your GF first. If the two of you are fairly new together, then it may be difficult to build a solid foundation together while seeing other people as well, again depending very much on her specific needs.

If you're GF is ultimately comfortable with it, then I'd start by trying to become friends with the other woman, if possible. And if that's just not practical, but you feel the sparks, then I guess I'd invite her out after work to somewhere simple where you can talk, get to know each other a little, and open up to her.

I'm curious to know what advise everyone else has... I could use it myself as well. :)

Anastasia 04-10-2012 02:28 AM

I don't know if this experience will help but here it is:

Before I ever became interested and more exposed and open minded to the idea of polyamorous relationships, a good looking man with approached me at a party (friend of a friend). I was happy to spend the night talking and dancing with him. He was very charming and good looking. Finally, near the end of the night, he told me that he had a girlfriend but that it was ok because he was in an open relationship and he wanted to kiss me. I gave him the cold shoulder right away and felt that he was a sleaze ball. He showed me a picture of his girlfriend on the phone and tried to explain that it was ok with her if he saw other women. I completely didn't understand and asked him why. His answer was, "so i can kiss pretty girls like you". The visceral response i had was completely negative. THough i appreciated his honesty i felt fooled. I didnt feel that our connection was special anymore and assumed he wanted to 'use me for sex' (which is possible lol).

Anyways, the point is, if the same person had done the same with me today (like 5 years later), i probably would ask more questions about his intentions and be more open to it. But since it was completely new to me i took the whole thing as an insult and got defensive and lost trust in him because i didnt get it.

If you are really interested in this girl, i would be cautious. even some of my own girlfriends still think I am psychologically unhealthy for being open to polyamorous relationships. Some people have strong feelings against it in the context of their current views, experience and exposure. I would agree forming some sort of trust and also learning more about her relationship experience and views may help you better determine how to approach the subject. If how you put the moves on her is purely sexual by what you say and do on top of already having a girlfriend, she may get insulted or very suspicious. focus on communicating something genuine.

Olivier 04-10-2012 10:27 PM

I think you're looking at it from the wrong angle. If you meet someone new are you instantly monogamous with her? The answer usually is No. During the time your relationship evolves and you had sex together several times, I think you can make it clear to her that you are not ready for a long term relationship, but just want to keep it open for now. This is much easier, and pretty much what most people do - polyamourous or not.

Tonberry 04-10-2012 10:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olivier (Post 132159)
I think you're looking at it from the wrong angle. If you meet someone new are you instantly monogamous with her? The answer usually is No. During the time your relationship evolves and you had sex together several times, I think you can make it clear to her that you are not ready for a long term relationship, but just want to keep it open for now. This is much easier, and pretty much what most people do - polyamourous or not.

I disagree. I think if you already have a partner, you should mention it before you have sex. When you have several sexual partners, they're indirectly having sex with one another and they deserve to know the risk before they agree to it.

Olivier 04-10-2012 11:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 132164)
I disagree. I think if you already have a partner, you should mention it before you have sex. When you have several sexual partners, they're indirectly having sex with one another and they deserve to know the risk before they agree to it.

Depending where you live, it's pretty common not to mention any partners you already have when you are dating someone for the first time. Only once the relationship becomes established you start setting the terms. In regards to sex: Practice safe sex.

km34 04-11-2012 12:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olivier (Post 132170)
Depending where you live, it's pretty common not to mention any partners you already have when you are dating someone for the first time. Only once the relationship becomes established you start setting the terms. In regards to sex: Practice safe sex.

I agree that it depends on where you are and the particular people involved what all needs to be disclosed at the early stages of getting know/dating someone, but there is no such thing as safe sex - there's safeR sex. Herpes and HPV can both be spread even with consistent and correct condom usage. Risks of exposure are obviously higher the more partners one has. It would really upset me if someone I was sleeping DIDN'T tell me they were having sex with other people if they were - condoms or not. Whether or not to be exclusive or who/how how many people you're dating is an entirely different conversation than sexual practices. To me, anyway. Granted, it is each individual's responsibility to maintain their own health, but I personally make sure to ask about the basics and volunteer the information about myself before becoming sexual with a new person.

As for the OP - I think the first step is just talking to her. You don't have to offer up any details about your personal life to start getting to know her. I'm a fan of the friends first approach to dating since it seems to create less pressure to "form a relationship" or anything like that. Just see if you two can hang out sometime when she's not working to see if you're still interested. If she seems interested too, THEN you can figure out what you think is best for the situation. Casually dating for a while until you're sure it could lead to something or telling her everything and letting her decide if she wants to pursue you. Taking the time just to hang out with this other woman would also give your gf time to adjust to you spending time with another person to see how she will handle possible future issues.

nycindie 04-11-2012 01:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olivier (Post 132170)
Depending where you live, it's pretty common not to mention any partners you already have when you are dating someone for the first time.


Hello Olivier, very nice to meet you! I am addicted to this great forum and I've been here just about every day since late 2010. What a nice surprise to see you posting here. Does this mean you will be here more often again?

Emm 04-11-2012 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olivier (Post 132170)
Depending where you live, it's pretty common not to mention any partners you already have when you are dating someone for the first time.

... and in other places it is assumed that you only ever date one person at a time. If it comes out that you are or were seeing someone else when you went on your first date it may be considered cheating by one or both partners - and this before anything close to sex happens.

In that situation I find that having it all out in the open from the start is the only way to go.

nycindie 04-11-2012 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olivier (Post 132170)
Depending where you live, it's pretty common not to mention any partners you already have when you are dating someone for the first time. Only once the relationship becomes established you start setting the terms...

Quote:

Originally Posted by km34 (Post 132172)
I agree that it depends on where you are and the particular people involved what all needs to be disclosed at the early stages of getting know/dating someone...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emm (Post 132233)
... and in other places it is assumed that you only ever date one person at a time.

Yep, I learned from a thread on the forums at OKCupid that "dating' means a range of different things in different countries. In some places, it's a preliminary step before any commitment is made and in other places it is a commitment, while in yet other places it is more like just having a buddy for activities.


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