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-   -   Moving on in life (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22853)

vodkafan 04-04-2012 04:33 PM

Moving on in life
 
Hi all. After my big Poly disaster (that was in reality my wife having an affair) and the end of my marriage 9 months ago I have dated a little bit but mostly spent that time on my own just healing up I guess. But now things have moved on and I have met somebody else I like. I intend it to be a mono -mono relationship. :D
So why am I back here?
Because the year I was in a Poly thing taught me a lot about myself. All self knowledge is useful.
But there is another reason. In one way (in large part because of our children) my wife (we are not divorced) and I are still in a sort of relationship . I have to see her and talk to her everyday. We go to the gym together and co-operate over the schooling of the kids. She is in fact extremely jealous and dismayed at the fact I have got someone new, but that is her problem really. I don't rub her face in it and I tell her as little as possible.
My new lover has also told me she is a jealous type. I see that as her problem really , jealousy of course comes from insecurity and I hope she will get better as we go on. She seems to have felt more secure the last couple of weeks.
Anyway, I am rambling a bit. I just might pop in and discuss stuff as it comes up. If nobody minds.

dingedheart 04-04-2012 07:21 PM

welcome back,

Glad things are looking up for you....it's nice to hear...and thanks for the update.

How are your kids handling all of this?

Are you working toward a divorce?

KyleKat 04-05-2012 09:53 PM

Why do you say that your poly stuff was really an affair? I'm sure you discussed it before and if you know which posts link me and I'll gladly read through it. I took a quick surf and didn't find it though so here I am.

Was her relationship permitted?

Do you still get along?

Was there anything going on behind your back?

Just trying to figure this all out. Good luck in your new relationship.

nycindie 04-06-2012 01:15 AM

Vodkafan, you're always welcome here, whether you are mono or poly or what-have-you! I've missed your insights, and I am glad you have found the strength to move on and start over, and glad to see you posting here again.


KyleKat, if you click on a member's name you can see a link to all their posts or visit their profile and see all the threads they've started (under "Statistics").

KyleKat 04-06-2012 04:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 131604)
Vodkafan, you're always welcome here, whether you are mono or poly or what-have-you! I've missed your insights, and I am glad you have found the strength to move on and start over, and glad to see you posting here again.


KyleKat, if you click on a member's name you can see a link to all their posts or visit their profile and see all the threads they've started (under "Statistics").

I know but I am typically on my phone and there are quite a few posts to sift through. I'll search again.

vodkafan 04-07-2012 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 131436)
welcome back,

Glad things are looking up for you....it's nice to hear...and thanks for the update.

How are your kids handling all of this?

Are you working toward a divorce?

Hi dingedheart,

I don't think the kids are doing so well, the eldest daughter especially.
She has told me that she does not want a divorce. I have left it at that. I told her I didn't want to separate anyway so is she wishes to take steps to end our marriage she must do it. I am struggling quite a bit financially so I have problems of my own.

vodkafan 04-07-2012 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KyleKat (Post 131587)
Why do you say that your poly stuff was really an affair? I'm sure you discussed it before and if you know which posts link me and I'll gladly read through it. I took a quick surf and didn't find it though so here I am.

Was her relationship permitted?

Do you still get along?

Was there anything going on behind your back?

Just trying to figure this all out. Good luck in your new relationship.

Hi Kylekat,

I looked at my old posts but I have forgotten how to do a link. But, to be honest I don't feel they have much value anyway as I was deluding myself the whole time anyway.

My wife started the affair 3 months before I found out. When it came out she lied and told me it was not sexual at that time. In fact she had been having unprotected sex from the word go. She had also lied to him over many things. So no, I didn't give her permission to change our marriage.

I came up with the Polyandry idea to try to save our marriage. She used to live with me for 4 days and with him in his house for 3 days. I had to try to work and look after the children in those 3 days.

We struggled through that for 9 months .

I used the word Affair as that was her own word for it after the whole arrangement fell apart. She allowed me to call it whatever made me happy so long as she could carry on seeing him. I was very stupid.

We already had 6 children. She had the affair purposely to have another child after she knew I did not want any more. We do not know the paternity of the new baby.

We get along fine so long as we never discuss anything important. Hope this helps.

dingedheart 04-08-2012 05:45 PM

" looking up" I'm not sure I characterized that right after reading your last comments....that might be subjective. The comment about healing and meeting someone new got me thinking on upward glide path for you . But the reality is you will still have headaches and heartaches because of the continual tangle that you have. I know I've have similar situation .

I remember you life going sideways and things falling apart but I don't remember her being impregnated during it.....was that in there or did that come about after the blow up?

Why haven't you discover the paternity. What do the birth records say? Aren't you defacto on the hook unless proven otherwise until the kid reaches majority.

Where is she living now?

What happened to the BF? Whats his position on the child?

nycindie 04-08-2012 06:43 PM

Vodkafan, I am just glad you are healing, getting on with your life, and posting again. I am sure answering questions or retelling what happened is difficult. Remember, you can always send PMs. :)


Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 131888)
But the reality is you will still have headaches and heartaches because of the continual tangle that you have. I know I've have similar situation .

It makes sense that you would empathize, DH. You and VF should go out for some beers together!

dingedheart 04-10-2012 02:16 PM

Never against having a beer:)....however in this case I think a certain clear spirit would be called for :D


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