What happens if you meet a unicorn when not expecting it?
So, I posted a little about myself on the intro forum, and now am jumping into asking advice. I usually peruse these type boards for a long time, and lurk, and rarely post, but I've been in a jittery tension for a few days now about the current situation, and have little patience for passive research... so I found these forums so here it goes.
***TMI alert*** I don't know the standards of this forum, so there is probably way too much information below. ** Don't read if (brief) descriptions of BDSM activities offend or upset you**
Guy and I started our relationship (12 years ago) while he was still sort of dating another girl, but that quickly ended. I have always encouraged him to find another woman to be friends with, date, enjoy company with, what have you. I myself have always envisioned a triad relationship with one male Dom and two female subs. Any time we attempted to look for a relationship together we sounded like typical unicorn hunters, but I've been reading lots and lots (particularly in regards to poly D/s relationships) and have therefore consciously tried to back away from that stereotype, specify that we need to seek relationships separately, that it's fine with me and him that if we find female companionship separately, to make sure we are respectful of other people's feelings and needs if one of us approaches them, etc. I was planning how I could revamp my profile on OKcupid, etc, so it was more open to allowing relationships to form as they may, etc. In general, I'd determined that we really needed to back off search anyway, and work on our relationship more first, and make sure it was what we wanted it to be, and solid, before we caused drama for someone else. I'd met a few ladies for coffee etc, but nothing more than that so far.
Then we met J. J contacted me on fetlife, identifying as a sub and talking about not knowing many people with whom to discuss kinky and poly things with. She is currently in a poly relationship with about 4 people, in varying degrees. I took up discussion with her, as I am wont to do, and enjoying that, proposed we meet at some time. Discussions rarely go past that point; and if they do, rarely (so far never) get past the initial coffee meet. It's beyond difficult to schedule things with me - between work (which I am still at, and counting this as an extended "break") and kids and his work (opposite schedule of mine) and no regular babysitter except his parents, which limits things, and my performances/rehearsals/businesses; it is virtually impossible.
This time she was the one with difficulty sorting out a time and place, because I actually ended up with an open spot wherein I had two rehearsals in the same general geographic area with a two hour break between, but it didn't work for her. I shrugged and moved on... until she showed up at the latter rehearsal. Unexpectedly. I (eventually) discovered one of the people she is in a relationship with is also performing in the same show. I had no idea how to react around her - I know how to act with dates, I think, and I know how to act with other models/performers, and I had no idea how to act around someone who wasn't either, especially as my primarily focus was necessarily on my partners in the scenes and the director, etc.
She in turn, mostly ignored me for a few weeks of rehearsals, after initially introducing herself. We messaged a couple more times on fetlife and sorted it out - she didn't know how to act around me either. So we talked on the phone for a couple hours one night, and got more comfortable.
We planned to meet between rehearsals again, and we spent most of the time getting dinner with other performers, in which the question came up if it was a date. There was no consensus. At the rehearsal location I pulled out a prop (a paddle - I did mention it was a kinky performance, didn't I?) and topped her for a few minutes, which is relatively new to me (and her, she hasn't bottomed much yet), and we both enjoyed. Some stroking. Intermittent squeezes between rehearsing scenes. A quick kiss goodnight (our first) when I had to leave after the rehearsal.
We met again at a performance of mine. Guy got to meet her as he was attending. She came with someone who she has listed as a "protector" on fetlife, but whether they are romantically involved is uncertain. (I didn't ask details). They stayed for my performance, left and came back for the grand finale, and were going to leave again, when I encouraged her to explore the st andrews cross my show had used. She consented, got fastened into it for a little while for light play and wanted more. Buckled her in, and played a little harder. She wanted more, but also didn't want to disrobe with spectators; we stopped eventually and made out for a while. All good. Her protector took her home.
We were going to meet at the next rehearsal. She wasn't going to be able to make it because she has no car and relies on rides, none of whom were available. We agreed to pick her up (Guy comes to rehearsals occasionally, but not always.) and take her home. Her dad met me at the door like a typical father meets his daughter's date. We got dinner quickly, and Guy talked to her during rehearsal some. Afterwards hanging out with other performers for a little bit, she wanted lots of cuddling and stroking, and I was happy to oblige. Guy found interesting discussions with others, and is considering asking one of the other performers on a date.
On the way back we talked a little more. She is not interested in being serious with anyone yet; she's only 23, and socially is more like 19; she's just starting college and still lives at home. She's just looking for dates, and exploration, and learning. Which is all fine. I welcome a play partner with whom I can practice topping skills and more. At the same time she makes remarks about enjoying "dating a couple" and expressed that my "ideal" future relationship would be "perfect". Which make me wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Isn't it supposed to be practically impossible to find a hot sub bi lady interested in dating a couple??
Before we got to her house we stopped in a secluded area and I pulled her across my lap for some more intense play. Her head and hand were pillowed on Guy's lap, which place (to me) is very comforting; she later expressed that she was comfortable also. Eventually she safeworded, and we made out a little after that. Then had to take her home. And take her in to meet her mother, who was waiting up for her. Who knows about some things, because I asked in the car if it would be okay to kiss her goodbye or not, and it was, so I did.
After all that build up, here is my question -
How do I not go too fast? How do I let this be and let it form it's own shape? How do I not try to stuff her into the box in my fantasies, and how do I avoid asking too much of her too soon? I want to jump ahead in the future of the relationship, and I have to remember that she's not looking for anything long term yet, she's got years to decide if she wants marriage, kids, or even to move in or anything. I also keep getting reminded of how much younger she is than me or Guy, and how I need to not hold that against her. I also don't want to start a deepening relationship and see her get hurt. If we're not what she wants long term, should we even start? I do not want to cause her any harm, and do not want anyone to cause her harm, and I've only known her a month, so we're in the real early stages, but I'm all out of sorts because I just started the process of NOT looking for someone like her who fits the descriptors - bi, sub, female, not currently in a D/s relationship with another male dom... when she appears and wants to be with him and me and enjoys our play very much. But play does not a relationship make. I've asked her to help out in front of the scenes at our next big performance, which she wants to do.
I keep thinking I can't be this lucky, there must be something that's going to drive her away and I need to find it and point it out before she gets hurt later. I feel responsible for her - I tend towards dominance rather than topping if I'm switching, (which is rare for me anyway). I don't know if I'm over thinking things but I'm pretty sure I am and I want to know how to handle things. Obviously slowly slowly, with much communication, but I'm nervous that "if it seems to be too good to be true it probably is" and what if we really aren't compatible, and maybe it'll be a problem, what if Guy starts dating this other girl he has his eye on, and I'm still open to dating, because I AM looking for a wife (eventually) so what if I find someone who is looking for serious? I'm just not making much sense, I think, I apologize for that. I just don't want to rush, I don't want to cause harm, but I do want to let this develop but I'm really bad at that. I usually jump right straight into serious.
You have a delicate line to walk here. On the one hand, you need to take her at her word about wanting this. She may be young but she's mature enough to make her own decisions and it would be foolish (and disrespectful and hurtful!), to push her away because she's "too good to be true" or because you think she can't possibly want what she says she wants.
On the other hand, it sounds like you do have a lot more experience and perspective than she does, and it's your responsibility to help her make sure she's making informed decisions and thinking everything through. I would talk to her frankly about the potential pitfalls of triads and let her know that she is under no obligation to like you both equally or get serious any time soon if at all, and that it's likely the various relationships involved will evolve at different rates. Offer her helpful things to read, like this list: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html. Tell her that all you ask is honesty, communication, and consideration and that she's under no obligations to you and/or him beyond what you all choose to agree on. But also tell her honestly that you really like her from the little you know of her so far and that you do want something serious someday, whether with her or with someone else.
You haven't mentioned Guy's feelings -- does HE want to date her? If not, you need to gently let her know that she's not dating a couple, she's dating a woman and playing with a couple. If so, then, of course, give them a chance to develop their own dynamic in addition to the you-her and you-her-him dynamic.
I don't see what your concern is about him and/or you wanting to continue to date other people? Are you afraid that a future dating partner will ask you to dump her? Are you afraid of becoming "polysaturated" amd not having enough time to seek a serious partner if you get embroiled with this woman who is probably not ready to be serious? Are you looking for polyfidelity? I would say there's no point freaking out about the future since, hey, you can't possibly predict it anyway. Just stay flexible, like you kept saying you're aiming to do.
It's going to be ok. :) Congrats on meeting someone who, at the very least, it sounds like you can have a great time with!
Thanks a lot AnnabelMore. You helped me get a better handle on the situation than "ack! I don't know what to do!". :)
That's a good point about her being mature enough to make her own decisions, so if she wants to pursue a relationship with me, and I want to pursue a relationship with her, and Guy's fine with it, well, why not?
That's a good link, thanks, I'll share it with J.
I'm not sure of exactly how Guy feels about her. I think right now he's more interested the other woman - A - he was talking too the other day. But I think he also has some interest in J. But typing that out made me realize I need to ask him, and not just "think" I know what he's thinking. Hah!
I'm not sure exactly what I'm concerned about - I think it has to do with wanting to find a serious relationship already (impatience) and having so little time for ANYthing as it is that I honestly do not know if I could handle more than two relationships (one with Guy one with J, and I'm not even 100% sure I can give her as much attention as she deserves, even on a casual basis) and be fair about giving everyone enough attention. So, I suppose there is a fear of becoming "polysaturated". I don't intend complete polyfidelity, because I will be performing for as long as someone still thinks I'm hot, which (hopefully) will be a longish while yet. That being said I don't think I want more than a couple serious long term relationships just because when I mean serious I mean very long term, living together, full integration in each others' lives and families etc, and I think the more people involved the harder that would be. Plus the time factor, again.
Okay. Thanks again. I'm glad I met her too, and you're right, at the very least, we're having a great time. :)
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