Hello, my name is Anna and about a year ago I was introduced to the idea of poly. I certainly have poly tendencies. I am married and have 3 children. I have struggled with myself for many years. Falling in love with others, while still completely in love with my husband (fiancÚ, boy friend etc). I felt for many years like something was wrong with me or would look for things that were wrong in a relationship that I didn't really find. I was so confused. I don't fall often, but when I do it is hard and completely.
Last year I met a man online and we began flirting. (This had been my outlet for my feelings for a number of years, for it seemed harmless and my husband didn't seem to mind.) However, when he found out I was married he wasn't comfortable with the level of flirtation we had and me not being open with my husband. We started talking about him being poly and I started research mode.
Over the last year I have, "come out" if you will to my husband and we have been slowly exploring our limits. We just recently went on a date with an open couple and things went very well. Dancing, some kissing, but we both enjoyed ourself and really felt no "icky" feelings.
My husband has completely accepted the emotional part of my poly nature. He says to love another human is not a bad thing at all. His only hang up is the level of physical connection he will be able to handle (and he worries I'll be able to handle if he finds a 2nd.) We both know jealousy is a natural feeling that doesn't need to be a deal breaker so so speak so we will take it slow and feel what is right for us. Discussing our limits all the way.
What I asked my husband for last year was freedom, to love and be loved however I like as long as it doesn't detract or adversely affect our relationship. This is my goal.
Now here is where things get complicated. The man I met a year ago and has held my hand though all this time, has been a great friend, and I feel I owe all of my new found freedom and happiness to (I was very depressed for years over these hidden feelings), is still in my life. He lives 1400 miles away, but we still talk often. I have fallen for him, completely. He is also poly, married with children, however he has made it clear to me that to have a relationship with me he would want me to be submissive to him. In a true D/s way. His hesitation is D/s and Poly are pretty much opposites of each other. They both offer freedom, poly though communication, and submissiveness in trust.
Because he has been such a close friend over this time I am tempted to give myself to him, which would mean however giving up on my exploration of poly (at least while we had a relationship). Both Poly and Submissiveness are attractive to me, and I do love this man enough to give myself to him with out question. He has made it clear he would not do anything to affect my family or marriage since he speaks to my husband and they are friends in a sense.
I'm 32 and I have a lot of work to do, but any outside insight is welcome. Feel free to be brutally honest with me. I need it!
Thanks for reading and any advice you can offer,
Poly and D/s aren't mutually exclusive. You can be poly and be in D/s relationship (or relationships). Similarly you can be poly and not be into D/s or you can be a hardcore D/s person without being into poly.
A poly relationship where you agree to be his submissive, and thus be unequal to him in that relationship, is still poly. I assume you are not going to jettison your husband to pursue this relationship?
I also have questions for you. What is your husband's feelings on this possible relationship? How experienced are you in BDSM? In being submissive specifically? Do you know the type of submission you want? Sexual? Online only? Service? More fetish orientated? Do you know your limits? Do you know what makes you hot while submitting?
How experienced is your potential Dom? I ask because in my limited experience in my local community, the dominants (male, female or trans) with some level of experience and who also interact with their local leather communities certainly knew poly and kink are not mutually exclusive. I wonder if your potential Dom is new to the scene - one must start somewhere. But if he is not very experienced, and you are new as well, consider if you want to explore D/s with another newbie. People do muddle along just fine with brand new to BDSM partners but having a more experienced 'guide' can help you avoid common pitfalls.
Finally if you haven't already check out your local kink community. I guarantee you have one within a few hours of you. There are way more kinksters than poly folks. Go to a munch, maybe even a play party (you are never required to play at a party). Join Fetlife if you haven't. Ask questions. Good luck!
Plenty of dominant men and women will explore D/s with you without requiring you to give up either your husband or your exploration of other relationships.
Find your local kink community's events (the easiest way is now to join Fetlife and search for public social events, often called munches). Attend some, make friends and search for potential partners.
To answer some of the questions, hubby is my primary. I love him and have no intension of leaving or doing anything we can't come to an agreement on. As for hubby's feelings he is still woking out his level of being comfortable with physical connections, he knows I have fallen for my potential Dom, he knows he has been clear if we were to move beyond the friendship we have it would be a D/s reltionship in and out of the bedroom. He has the same concern my dom partner has, is he feels it will limit my freedom I been seeking and cause me to become bored or drepressed. I have no asked him directly but he seems fairly sure of what works for him and what he would want from us. He is a good communicator and has had me working on specific research to enure I am educated before I make the choice. In the time that I have known him I have always found myself drawn to following him. I tend to be more agressive, more a leader, but with him it is not so. I think that is why I am so attracted to the idea because it is rare for me to be this way with anyone. Simply I'd trust him with my life. If it were simply my choice it be in the bedroom only and maybe some slight servicebehavior guidelines. However, I could see myselfdoing anything he asked (as long as it wasnt completely insane, I'm not supidly blind either) I have an idea what my limits would be, however I have a feeling he'd enjoy pushing them if I concented. As for what makes me hot about being submissive, it is the trust and the ability to completely aandon control. I am a very controling, agreesive woman in my life and the release of control is hard but extreamly appealing with the right person. I haven't explored anything local because simply the idea of being submissive is not something I take lightly, if most men tried to be with me the way my potential dom is I'd laugh them out of my sight. He simply just has a way with me that works. I also am afraid I will find a new dom I enjoy and he maybe less kind and careful then my current. If things don't go anywhere with him and I still have an interest this maybe something to consider for the future. Im still very much living a mono life with my husband. I have been giving him ample time to process because simply I have had a lot of time to think over this before I ever sprang it on him and it is only fair he has time to work though it as well. I love him and I believe he will be able to accept this about me given time and assurance that he truely is special to me, my understading will help him feel that I am not being presured or manipulated and that we can take this at our pace. We recently stared dating an open couple and the first date went well. I can see a friendship and perhaps more. I do feel a bit guilty because my ideals and my reality aren't meeting up. Ideally I'd like to only sexually explore people I have a deeper interest in, reality is however if I am comfortable with someone I'd likely sleep with them given the okay. My hubby and I have made an agreement to go slow together, discuss, and both retain the right ro change our minds at any time. Allowing us the freedom to make this work and continue to work as we need it.
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