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-   -   Is polyandry less common than multiple wives? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22763)

starfish07 03-31-2012 08:54 PM

Is polyandry less common than multiple wives?
 
Most poly relationships I hear about on the forum are the ones with multiple wives or females. Is it less common to have 2 males and 1 female or 3 males and 1 female in a relationship?

I've heard and read about the men in the Himalayas that share a wife. I haven't heard about any other groups.

Do you have any advice on where and how to go about finding something like that?
I've tried the craigslist thing but they are mostly looking for threesome one night stand type of thing, not a long term relationship.
Same thing with the gay/bi bar in town.

drtalon 03-31-2012 10:26 PM

In my experience it's just as common for a woman to have multiple partners as it is for a man to have multiple partners.

The best advice for finding local poly people and community is at the bottom of Alan's event page at http://polyevents.blogspot.com/#localgroups

AnnabelMore 03-31-2012 11:28 PM

If you're looking, as a woman, to have multiple male partners, that is not at all uncommon. If you're looking for a MFM triad where all partners are intimately involved with each other, that seems rarer. So, which are you after, or would either be cool?

StarTeddy 04-01-2012 12:50 AM

The impression that I get form this forum is that MFM is more common...though maybe it's bias, or that women in that arrangement are more likely to post on forums or something.

Saide 04-01-2012 01:23 AM

Wondering about polyandry too
 
After one marriage and a couple unsatisfying monogamous relationships, I recalled a time in my life where I had three lovers in my life. And while it might not be defined as polyandrous, it was the one time in my life I felt content emotionally, sexually and spiritually. None of the men knew about the other, they did not ask nor did I volunteer. For all intents and purposes we were all "single" and enjoyed spending time together practicing safe sex. All three men had different schedules so there were no issues regarding time spent together. Occasionally, there would be convergence when all three men would want to see me on the same day. Knowing they would not be comfortable in the type of threesome I wanted to have, I would see them separately. Several years later I realize this is what I want; something similar - like a V. I guess I just do not know where to begin. Any suggestions?

nycindie 04-01-2012 01:51 AM

To me, it seems backwards to have a relationship configuration in mind and then look for people to fit into that. Being open to having polyamorous relationships doesn't mean that all potential lovers are like jigsaw puzzle pieces. I'm not saying I don't have my own ideals I would like to see happen for myself. However, in terms of relationships, I think the important thing is to start with the people first. Be open to meeting people, getting to know people, put yourself in social situations, have a dating profile online, whatever, and then see what happens. Yes, let people know that you don't want a monogamous situation, but you can't create a dynamic (vee, triad, etc.) out of thin air and insert human beings into it. Be open to surprises. See what kind of poly configuration comes out of the dynamics that naturally develop with the people you date, find yourself attracted to, and enjoying yourself with.

NovemberRain 04-01-2012 07:01 AM

I am bisexual. Back in the day, I thought it would be lovely to have a couple. My experience back then was with men who had way higher sex drives then I did. I thought if I shared a man with a woman, it would work out to match my drive better, and I wouldn't have to be the only one satisfying him. Although I probably imagined her a dynamo, because I would have enjoyed sex with her too.

A hundred years later, here I am in a vee with two men. One of them is slightly long distance; and both of them have much lower sex drives than I do.

But I love them both beyond reason. I fell in love with both of them after being friends with both of them. (long story can be found elsewhere, life stories and blogs)

I think that's why I wasn't in poly before. I wasn't seeking out a configuration, but these two men showed up and I was ready. :D

CielDuMatin 04-03-2012 02:15 PM

In our local poly group I think that the one female, multi-male configuration is in the majority, so I don't think that it's just the fact that these groups like to post more to online fora. :)

I am one of the exceptions to that - right now there is only one other FMF group, all the others (at least 5) are multi-male, one female, or a network.

zylya 04-03-2012 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 130991)
To me, it seems backwards to have a relationship configuration in mind and then look for people to fit into that. Being open to having polyamorous relationships doesn't mean that all potential lovers are like jigsaw puzzle pieces. I'm not saying I don't have my own ideals I would like to see happen for myself. However, in terms of relationships, I think the important thing is to start with the people first. Be open to meeting people, getting to know people, put yourself in social situations, have a dating profile online, whatever, and then see what happens. Yes, let people know that you don't want a monogamous situation, but you can't create a dynamic (vee, triad, etc.) out of thin air and insert human beings into it. Be open to surprises. See what kind of poly configuration comes out of the dynamics that naturally develop with the people you date, find yourself attracted to, and enjoying yourself with.

I get and understand this attitude, but I don't agree that it's for everyone. You're essentially saying that if you're monogamous you go for a very specific type of relationship (i.e. sexually and romantically exlusive dyad) but if you're poly that you should be open to any other type of relationship. What about people who naturally favour a particular relationship style? Would it not make sense for them to go finding people who also want that relationship style and doing that together?

I make no secret of the fact that I'm most interested in a non-exclusive triad with two bisexual women, that's the relationship style I want more than any others. I'm not completely closed off to any other possibility though, it's just my preference. That doesn't mean that I take any woman I find that I'm potentially interested in and try and shoe-horn her into the position, it means I look for people who also prefer, or are interested in, that style of relationship.

Of course, I might end up meeting someone and go for something completely different because of who they are or what they want, but I don't think there's anything wrong with having a particular relationship configuration in mind. To me, it's similar to having a particular kink. I'd go out and meet lots of BDSM people but I'd be MOST interested in meeting people with that same kink. It's not to say that I won't meet someone who interests me enough to try something different, but I have something in mind that I'm interested in exploring.

Essentially, I think it comes down to preference, my preference is a certain style of relationship, and your preference is not picking a style of relationship before meeting the person.

MindfulAgony 04-03-2012 03:12 PM

In my experience, there seems to be more female centered V's or other configurations who are active in all aspects of the social poly scene (both online and local community groups). My assumption tends to be that there are two reasons behind that: the first, is that I'm assuming that the women are just more likely to engage in these forums and that there's a hidden group of men out there that aren't as active (or not active at all). The second assumption is that men are more likely to stay (longer), or more likely to see no reason to change, a cheating situation - which I tend to view as more traditional in the context of what's expected. So, these leads me to believe that there's under-reporting problem combined with men being more likely to be "locked" in a cheating frame of mind.

However, formal, non-monogamous marriage proper seems to be more popularly polygynous versus polyandrous. That, I assume, has more to do with the typical religious basis of such unions that also have male-centered dynamic to them.

<<All of the above assumptions are likely skewed by my background and limited perspective. So, I understand they may not reflect a broad reality>>

On the whole, I agree with NYCindie. Hold any assumptions about relationship structure very lightly. Instead, connect with people that you are interested in and let things play out. You'll give yourself a lot of frustration by trying to create a specific situation. I think this is exactly why so many couples seeking to expand their marriage find so much grief in the transition. They have too rigid a view on what they are seeking. And, contact with reality always screws that up.


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