Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   I feel like I am going down instead of forward. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22750)

insanity 03-31-2012 07:33 AM

I feel like I am going down instead of forward.
 
My polyamoric "relationship" is not working quite well, this puts me in such stress and neverending anxiety, but I don't want to give up!

I'm getting married to my bf in 2 months, sometimes in a rage/serious anxiety attack i think "do I even need this??" but after giving it some thoughts, I am going to go through with it, since I know that when everything's quite I am ok with it.

Anyway we had a talk with him about that girl, he is jealous when I hang out with her and when I am with her it seems to him that i am with her 6 hours when in fact it is 2. He said I can hang out with her, and she can come over to sleep. and that he needs time. But all that left 'a bad taste' it was suppose to be fun! Plus he feels weird when we all sleep in one bed and i hug her/she hugs me, he is doesn't like hugs when sleeping but I love it with her and that's important to me.

I feel like I am in a deep hole of emotional shit.
What do I do??

dingedheart 03-31-2012 07:41 AM

put the wedding on hold until you figure this out. Those trades are much harder to unwind.

How long was the engagement?

How long have you tried to be poly?

How many other poly relationships have you had?

insanity 03-31-2012 07:48 AM

putting it on hold is out of the question, I am going through it and time will tell whether it was ment to be or not.

we are together for almost 6 years, the engagement is for a year.

Tried to be poly for a very short time since I met this girl, right as I saw her three months ago I knew she was special.

Haven't had poly relationships before.
I thought about it (with myself) andI have very goof friends who do it.

You mighs say I am expecting things to be good all too soon,
but I am a very emotional person and on top of that have anxiety (and probably depression) but I am going to take care of that.

How do I make him understand that there is nothing to be jealous of, she is a woman and she gives me other things he doesn't have and she is not a replacement.. I don't have anymore ways to explain it to him. :(

Anneintherain 03-31-2012 08:16 AM

Why do you have to all sleep in one bed? If it's because your'e having threesomes, stop having them maybe? I don't really understand being jealous if that is happening. If you're not having them, no reason to share a bed at all?

Really, go sleep at her place, or don't have overnights in a shared bed (and if you share a place with your fiance, HE isn't the one who should be kicked out of bed). I sure wouldn't let non partners be interrupting my quiet rest time. That must be uncomfortable for her too.

insanity 03-31-2012 08:48 AM

yeah we have threesomes, honestly I think it is the only time when I don't have to stress out to make everyone happy because everyone's enjoying...
but we sometimes sleep together because at out place because she is to drunk/tired/to late to drive home...
Cant go to her place for few reasons one of them being, it is way too soon for him to understand that it is not the end of the world if I have sex with her without him being around. (sometimes I am with her when he is in another room sleeping or whatever..)

it is not really about sleeping in one bed but more about me doing stuff with her like hugging/holding hands/that kind of girly stuff that I won't do with him (because he just doesn't like it plus it is more of a feminine way to show affection)

Oh! plus he doesn't really understand that I can have feelings for her and still love him..

km34 03-31-2012 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by insanity (Post 130892)
yeah we have threesomes, honestly I think it is the only time when I don't have to stress out to make everyone happy because everyone's enjoying...
but we sometimes sleep together because at out place because she is to drunk/tired/to late to drive home...
Cant go to her place for few reasons one of them being, it is way too soon for him to understand that it is not the end of the world if I have sex with her without him being around. (sometimes I am with her when he is in another room sleeping or whatever..)

it is not really about sleeping in one bed but more about me doing stuff with her like hugging/holding hands/that kind of girly stuff that I won't do with him (because he just doesn't like it plus it is more of a feminine way to show affection)

Oh! plus he doesn't really understand that I can have feelings for her and still love him..

1 - If she can't drive home, that isn't your boyfriends fault. He shouldn't have to sleep in a bed with someone that he doesn't want to sleep with in his own home. Why not have her sleep in a spare room (if you have one) or on the couch? Or make sure she stay sin a state of mind that she can drive? How often is she staying? I would buy an air mattress and sleep with her on that over sleeping 3 in the bed if all 3 aren't happy about it. How is your boyfriend adjusting to the non-sexual time you spend with this woman? Is it possible that you could ease him into being okay with you being gone overnight by going to her place for increasing amounts of time - possibly starting out without having sex until he's more comfortable with you being gone at all?

2. How in the world is holding hands girly? Hugging? I hug men ALL THE TIME. Now, him not liking it, I can understand, but I'm not seeing how these things are feminine.

3. This is a struggle for many people. Especially if he is mono, then he probably does have a very hard time understanding. Most people are raised that you're supposed to fall in love with one person, marry that one person, and settle down and be happy with that one person for the rest of your life. When something shakes up that viewpoint, it's hard. Just try to be open and honest and supportive to help him adjust. :)

It really seems like you two (boyfriend and you) and you three (you, boyfriend, and girlfriend) need to sit down and discuss what everyone REALLY wants and is comfortable with.

NovemberRain 03-31-2012 05:39 PM

You might get some help from the The Five Love Languages book too. As to how to express to him you love him and you're not going anywhere.

One of my boyfriends only wants to touch when he wants to touch. Which is way less often than I want to touch. The first time around, I didn't understand that very well. It really hurt me to touch him and have him flinch. My other boyfriend always (and I mean always) leans into me when I touch him. We practically can't be in the same room without touching each other. Sometimes, I've asked him 'how do you know I love you?' and he says 'because you touch me.'

So, find out how your boyfriend knows you love him, and do that. Some people like presents, some like to be told, some like to be touched, and some like other things.

This is a link to the quiz. The website has lots of other good info too.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assess...-quizzes/love/

LotusesandRoses 03-31-2012 07:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anneintherain (Post 130890)
Why do you have to all sleep in one bed?

I can barely share a bed with a cat. To me, I can imagine the crowding alone must be a jealousy trigger for some folks.

Anyway, it sounds like OP's fiance is irritated because she's giving a lot of her affection to her girlfriend. Spend some solo time with the fiance, and don't shove the new flame down his throat. It doesn't mean to end the relationship, but create some space.

You're anxious and depressed; how is he feeling? Take some time to remind him he's desired, loved, and safe with you. Are you wrapped up in the newness of the other relationship and just dolling yourself up for her? Do things just to make him feel special, without her. Make it a point during these special "dates" not to mention her, to focus on him, exploring the parts of him you've never considered. I promise you'll get far more than you ever thought you had, when you examine this seemingly bad situation.

insanity 03-31-2012 08:29 PM

km34 - to us hugging and holding hands is girly.. plust just like NovemberRain said, some people like to touch and some don't... she does, he doesn't, and it bothers him...

NovemberRain, thanks! I will check that out, too bad can't show it to him since he doesn't know English plush, I don't want to shove words like polyamory to him since he is afraid of calling it names now..

LotusesandRoses, you are right! I am so impatient that I always have to somehow talk about her to make sure he is okay with it now, but it does the opposite...

It is all not really about holding hands, sleeping in one bed, etc.. but about the whole thing of understanding me.
He is a mono I guess, but I never wrote here about things I let him do that he wants and needs, I should write about that too, so it doesn't look like i am the bad one who just 'wants and needs'

AnnabelMore 03-31-2012 08:54 PM

Don't worry too much about the picture you're painting -- no one here is going to think you're "bad" for having wants and needs! That just means you're human.


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:37 AM.