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MiserrimusDexter 03-29-2012 01:23 AM

Welcoming myself to the group....

My name is Rob. I am 50 and in a 25 yr old monogamous relationship. I am exploring polyamoury as an alternative to monogamy as a way of expanding and broadening. This has created stress and in many ways a lot of interesting conversations in my relationship.

One of the drivers for me is related to my history as a child. This involved maternal sexual abuse, and crazy making style bullying from my mother and sister. My sexuality and erotic side was crushed, and in many ways has been healed by my relationship with my wife to whom I am devoted.

The problem for me is that it causes me a real pain and resentment to have my sexuality controlled by an institution and another person. I feel that I need to stand alone with my sexuality. Complicating the situation is that I have recently come out as interested in BDSM from a dominant perspective. This has been an issue in my fantasy world since I was five, and took a long time to embrace and own publically. This has been exhilarating.

I used to fall in love, and suffer the agony of strong feelings going nowhere, now I want to explore new things and fall in love and have it go somewhere, certainly somewhere beyond what we do now.

I am a trained psychotherapist, and have done lots of work on myself, and do this as a spiritual practice.

Wife and I are contemplating seperation as the option, though she is starting to explore poly as a way forward. The seperation possibility has lots of things driving it, and we are doing it now because we are not in a crisis. We are seeking out what we can keep, and our sexual relationship is part of that, as is our meeting of minds.

I now define myself as Polyamorous and Monogamous. I am monogamous because I made vows twenty five years ago that I want to honor, or renegociate. I live as a jesus-freak amongst a lot of very alternative people so do have some very good examples of poly and other more complex situations.

I am attracted to polyamoury because it does look like a new way to order family, romance and sexuality. I am a serious person and see that this is an option that didn't exist 25 years ago, though renegociating a long relationship is scary and in some ways heartbreaking.

If you feel to say hello, and make whatever helpful comments. I am hoping to find the right people, to support me through this stage.

dingedheart 03-29-2012 06:50 AM

Hi and welcome,

How long have you been discussing poly with your wife?

What do you mean you feel the need to stand alone with your sexuality? Poly's a team sport...standing alone?

Do you have kid's ?

MiserrimusDexter 03-29-2012 11:44 AM

Good questions.

I will think upon them.

MiserrimusDexter 03-31-2012 06:46 AM


Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 130687)
Hi and welcome,

How long have you been discussing poly with your wife?

What do you mean you feel the need to stand alone with your sexuality? Poly's a team sport...standing alone?

Do you have kid's ?

1/ About three months intentionally. A little bit for a couple of years.

The driver for me in terms of my sexual history which included serious sexual abuse, and my erotic dimension being crushed, is about not being in a situation where an institution (marriage) or another person conditions and controls my choices. I resent this and find it constrains my love in all sorts of ways. Sexual expression is not actually the biggest issuer in this. Autonomy, as opposed to selfishness is the driver. I think I really am attracted to the level of co-operation and conversation involved in this pathway of ethical sexual expression. I am in no way interested in casual sex. I am interested in my love abounding in a careful, negoctiated and healing way. I have been on a long journey of recovery, and i came to the point where I just had to be honest about my feelings and resemtments. For me the conversation may be enough.... the sense of freedom may be enough for me to remain monogamous. I just don't know, and do not want to project some decision into the future.

Our boys are 15 and 17

dingedheart 03-31-2012 09:16 PM

How does childhood sexual abuse translate to the institution of marriage.?

Is there a (late ):D mid life conponent going on in this?

Has your wife embraced the idea of poly? How much of this do your kids know?

MiserrimusDexter 04-02-2012 02:20 AM

Get back to you in a few or several days....

I would like to know a little more about you in the meantime. Your questions suggest you know your stuff, and i am trusting. I just need some personal bits and pieces if that is okay.

I am happy an would prefer for the conversation to move slowly right now.


CielDuMatin 04-03-2012 01:24 PM

Rob, just want to add my welcome to you.

There are quite a few people who are poly in their hearts but who choose to live a Monogamous lifestyle, often because they feel committed to the promises they made their partner. I applaud folks that do that - sticking to promises made is a sign of commitment, in my mind.

Renegotiating your relationship is something that many have done in the poly world - for many reasons they entered into a monogamous agreement and realised that it just wasn't them. This is often associated with feelings of guilt (for making promises that they realise they can't keep and be truly happy). It is often a shock to the other person when faced with this reality - paradigms need to be shifted in order to continue to make things work - change is not something that is easy to embrace when it is something as fundamental as a life-long relationship.

I wish you luck on the path you choose.

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