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-   -   Am I selfish? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22652)

ssmoore 03-27-2012 08:06 PM

Am I selfish?
 
I was having a conversation with someone the other day about my current situation having a husband and another person in my life. they asked if my husband had someone else and he does not so they asked what does he get out of this, anyhow the question is, am I selfish for not wanting or allowing my husband to watch me and my other partner when we are intimate?
:confused:

nycindie 03-27-2012 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ssmoore (Post 130517)
I was having a conversation with someone the other day about my current situation having a husband and another person in my life. they asked if my husband had someone else and he does not so they asked what does he get out of this, anyhow the question is, am I selfish for not wanting or allowing my husband to watch me and my other partner when we are intimate?
:confused:

No, it's not selfish at all. Besides, it's not totally up to you. Your other partner has a right to privacy.

Your husband gets more out of you being poly than just the opportunity to see you have sex with someone else. He gets to enjoy your expansive love and your happiness at being fulfilled. He might eventually find someone else for himself, there's no rule you both have to have other partners at the same time. It's not a race or competition.

Don't let judgmental assholes who are uneducated about poly bring you down.

ssmoore 03-27-2012 09:06 PM

That is exactly what I told this person. She just couldn't understand that I could have feelings for both men or that hubby could be ok with this. She just really had me questioning my self, as hubby would like to watch, but was not up set when I explained that I just didn't feel that was something I would be able to do. He is a very laid back sort of person and not argumentative at all so just really checking my thought process.

Thanks for your reply....

Were new to poly and still learning...

nycindie 03-27-2012 09:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ssmoore (Post 130528)
She just couldn't understand that I could have feelings for both men or that hubby could be ok with this. She just really had me questioning my self...

UGH, I can so relate!

I have a friend who insists that if I tell men I am open to polyamory, I am just setting myself up to being used, and that they will leave me after getting what they want, and so on and so on. She met a lover of mine once and the next day referred to him as "your man" in an email, even after I explained to her that he is a friend I am physical with, not a boyfriend. I replied and told her he is not "mine" and that we enjoy our relationship without those kinds of designations. She always says, whenever I talk about poly, that she and "all her single girlfriends" are jealous whenever I tell her I have even one guy, never mind that I want two or three or four. She used to say this even when I was with Shorty, whom I only saw about once or twice a month. I think she even once asked me, "Don't you think it's selfish to want more when most of us can't even find one?" Her mindset is so wrapped up in monogamous stereotypes of the poor single chick looking for Mr. Right everywhere she goes, that she can't really hear what I'm telling her about my choices. And sometimes she has me feeling like I must be nuts.

So, some people will never understand. Just don't let their refusal to see or hear what you're saying shake you and how you want to lead your own life. Some people aren't the right people to tell.

ssmoore 03-27-2012 09:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 130530)
UGH, I can so relate!

I have a friend who insists that if I tell men I am open to polyamory, I am just setting myself up to being used, and that they will leave me after getting what they want, and so on and so on. She met a lover of mine once and the next day referred to him as "your man" in an email, even after I explained to her that he is a friend I am physical with, not a boyfriend. I replied and told her he is not "mine" and that we enjoy our relationship without those kinds of designations. She always says, whenever I talk about poly, that she and "all her single girlfriends" are jealous whenever I tell her I have even one guy, never mind that I want two or three or four. She used to say this even when I was with Shorty, whom I only saw about once or twice a month. I think she even once asked me, "Don't you think it's selfish to want more when most of us can't even find one?" Her mindset is so wrapped up in monogamous stereotypes of the poor single chick looking for Mr. Right everywhere she goes, that she can't really hear what I'm telling her about my choices. And sometimes she has me feeling like I must be nuts.

So, some people will never understand. Just don't let there refusal to see or hear what you're saying shake you and how you want to lead your own life. Some people aren't the right people to tell.

my friend is newly single and was a bit shocked at the dating world she is finding. She is ok with swinging as a married couple and dating multiple people as a single person but couldn't wrap her head around building a relationship with another maybe it is jealousy or lack of education. but either way ....
I became frustrated trying to explain to her that is was not even about sex.

Arrowbound 03-28-2012 12:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ssmoore (Post 130533)
my friend is newly single and was a bit shocked at the dating world she is finding. She is ok with swinging as a married couple and dating multiple people as a single person but couldn't wrap her head around building a relationship with another maybe it is jealousy or lack of education. but either way ....
I became frustrated trying to explain to her that is was not even about sex to begin with, that was just a bonus.

Just remember you two see things differently, and that's okay. I would drop it for now, unless later she wants to know more from a non-judgmental standpoint.

ssmoore 03-28-2012 01:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arrowbound (Post 130541)
Just remember you two see things differently, and that's okay. I would drop it for now, unless later she wants to know more from a non-judgmental standpoint.

I agree Arrowbound. I was just really needing to vent. thanks for all the input.

balance2134 03-28-2012 02:38 AM

I can totally relate. I'm the hubby in my situation with no partners other than my wife while she has multiple. My friends think I'm just being used but I truly don't believe I am

NovemberRain 03-28-2012 06:28 AM

Current bf has always said that he'd like to watch, even before we talked about me having a real OSO. He is very good friends with First bf and he knows that First bf is not the sort of guy who would want (or tolerate) him to watch. So apart a joke in our initial conversation or two, he hasn't said. I suspect he really wouldn't like to watch, but I dunno. *I* wouldn't like it at all, I would feel very inhibited.

That said, I must really live in California. I have yet to tell anyone who really questions it in any way. I haven't told everyone. I've told three really good friends at work, but no one else there. All my actual friends have been very blase about it. Perhaps they're too polite. Even my parents (all three, plus step dad's gf) were encouraging (if surprised).

Sometimes, I let people's questioning be a barometer of how well I know myself. The first time I noticed this was telling a women about remembering my childhood (some trauma). She said, 'oh, I could never see that as trauma' and told me a story from her childhood almost identical, that regarded as lovely. I was very sad for her, and I felt totally validated in the knowledge I had of myself. It was a strange experience, but I remember it now when someone questions something I know to be true about myself.


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