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-   -   Confused and honestly a bit scared (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22630)

gentry 03-26-2012 11:07 PM

Confused and honestly a bit scared
I never thought I would be writing a thread like this! A week ago I didn't even know Polyamory existed. My partner recently told me she was into polyamorous relationships. This left me with huge self doubts ... Why now, ? I'm not enough? Is there someone else? Is it cheating. ? I love her and we have been together 20 years? I thought I knew her. I appreciate the fact she is being honest with me. I believe her when she says she loves me. I think I want to understand. Can it work if I stay mono? Or do I give it a try? Do Polyamory couples feel jealous? How is this overcome? I feel all my dreams we had for our retirement are gone. Can you point me to some literature I can read. I want to understand but I'm so lost inside.

dingedheart 03-26-2012 11:44 PM

Hi and welcome.

Did you get any of those important questions answered? From her?

Start reading all the personal stories here to get an idea of what to expect.

Can mono/ poly work....yes ....but the odds are stacked against. Read and find out why.

The fears you have for the future and retirement are legitimate this is often a deal breaker.

There is book list and many resources to help you.

Good luck in your research.

redpepper 03-27-2012 06:46 AM

Well, none of those questions are unusual and none of them are new. They have all been discussed here at great length by many posters that have come and gone. You are in good company here :) Welcome.

I suggest you have a good long read with her. There are stickies to read for one, that will help you find books and websites that are interesting and favorites of members here. If you go to the search engine you will find a tag search option that is very useful in finding threads that will answer your numberous questions. I would suggest doing a tag search for "foundations" "lessons" "jealousy" "mono/poly" and whatever else comes up of interest. I would also suggest reading the numberous blogs in the lifestyles and blogs forum also as they will give you insight into how poly has worked for many different people.

Take a breath, take your time, keep talking as openly and honestly as you can to one another and catch up to your partner. She likely has been holding her nature in for some time. Give her a hug and tell her that you can't imagine how hard that would be for her to keep such a secret.

Its a hard road you have just started, but its not the end of the world and you will likely find, having committed to the work together, that your relationship is created into something more wonderful and connected than you ever imagined. I wish for you that you find what works best and makes you both have the healthiest and happiest lives you possibly can.

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